“Workaholics” Real Time 2012 English English

Posted by on July 20, 2012

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You give out
laser-pointer key chains,
and you expect us to be adult
enough not to play with them?
I mean, are you thick?
You were just pointing ‘em
at people’s crotches.
That’s what they’re there for.
That’s fun.
Dude, if she was here right now,
I’ve drank enough, to the point
where I would go right to her face,
and I would say,
“you’re dumb and no one loves you.”
I’d say that to her.
That was really good.
You should tell that to her face.
– Yeah, I totally would.
– Through her ear hole,
which is in her face,
’cause I just called her work phone.
– What?
– Did you?
– I did.
– It’s her voicemail.
Leave a voicemail.
Hey, Alice, this is Blake.
And I just thought
that maybe you should…
Stick a fork up your butt
and eat poo,
because you’re a dickhead.
– [Rap music]
– Oh, my God.
It’s so sad how much you love me
and you look at me from a distance
and you get all
♪ juicy
in your pants.
You might be the boss,
but you, ma’am,
– are no leader.
– Yeah!
And one time I heard you queef.
Slam!
Get amped on Demamp!
Cornhuskers [bleep] rule!
Tits are rad!
Not yours though.
I bet they’re c-caved.
You don’t know how to delegate.
You don’t know how to motivate.
And you sure as hell can’t encourage
any kind of innovation.
Let the boys be boys.
Slam!
Why aren’t you getting laid?
What, is your vagina webbed?
Go shave your muff!
Suck it.
Bitch, you got
too many teeth in your mouth.
[Screams]
Yo, you look like you smoke,
and I know that you don’t.
So that hits even closer to home.
I hate you.
I hate you.
– Yep, yep.
– I hate you.
I hate you!
I hate you!
I hate you!
I hate you!
I hate you!
– I hate her.
– Yeah.
[Birds chirping]
[Cell phone buzzes]
Oh, no.
Dude.
Dude, the voicemails!
– Wake up Demamp!
– Hmm?
Where’s Blake?
– What?
– Blake!
How did you…
[Softly]
I don’t know.
Blake, s’go.
Alice gets to the office
five minutes early every day,
which gives us 29 minutes
to beat her there
and delete those messages.
That’s weird.
I don’t even feel hungover.
I drank, like, 17 beers,
and I feel way better
than I normal do.
Yeah, you know,
maybe as you get older
you get better at hangovers.
That has to be a fact.
[Crash]
Whoa!
– Jesus.
– What the…
Guys, we’re still drunk.
We got to take the bus.
Let’s go!
– Yep, I’ll meet you guys there.
– Wait, where are you going?
– Inside. We need beers.
– Wait, no!
Beers is what
got us in this situation.
Yeah, and it’s
what’s gonna get us out.
We’re drunk right now,
and we feel great, right?
If this hangover kicks in…
– We’re screwed.
– He’s right, we have no choice.
We have to stay drunk
till we get to the office.
Oh, and I’ll get
my sharper image breathalyzer
key chain from the car.
That way, we can monitor
our blood alcohol level, guys.
Yeah! Blood alcohol level!
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, Adam!
Let me get tecates
and a couple of limes, okay?
– You got it.
– Oh, and Adam?
Thank you for being a true Braj.
You’re welcome, Braj.
– Stay up.
– I will.
Both:
Always.
– Come on, let’s go.
– Always, man.
True soldiers, for real.
– Dude!
– You’re my best friend!
– You’re my best friend, dude!
– Come on!
I love that guy, man!
– Damn, I forgot a belt!
– Shhh.
– [Cell phone rings]
– Yo-ba sayo.
Jillian, it’s Anders.
Listen to me.
I need you
to go into Alice’s voicemail
and delete all her messages
before she gets in today.
Oh, I would happily do that,
but it’s password-protected.
What? You’re her assistant.
You don’t access to her voicemails?
Her mom kept leaving
these mean messages
about how Alice was a bad daughter,
so I couldn’t take it,
and I finally just called her
and I said, “look, lady,
shut your mouth
and find a [bleep] hobby.”
[Techno music]
♪ And I’ve had it up to here
♪ with the static in the ocean
♪ sweet and salty in the sky
♪ it’s a level of devotion…
Ders, I’m fading!
Breathalyze me!
– She’s a grown adult…
– Here it is.
That looks like a baby.
[Music continues]
♪ on a skateboard,
tattooing up your mind ♪
coming through! Hustle.
Whoo!
Jillian, I just need you
to figure out this password,
get in there
and delete those voicemails.
– Tell me you can do that.
– I’d say yeah…
Considering I know Alice Murray
better than she knows herself.
It’s Alice Murphy, actually.
Damn it!
I just blew a .09.
Where is Adam with those beers?
Man, I can’t get a hangover.
You know how I am
when I have a hangover.
I’m bitchy. I’m very bitchy.
[Device beeps]
.10. We are dangerously close
to being hungover.
– [Clock ticking]
– Oh, I feel a headache.
Feel a headache.
– Oh, here we go.
– Where are the beers?
They’re all gone, man.
They’re all gone, man!
– ♪ Living that blade life
– What are you talking about?
I just saw you drink one right now.
Yeah, the last one, Ders.
Think, speak.
Okay, well, I know we had more
than one beer in the house.
– No, we had four.
– Uh-huh.
But there’s three of us.
And 1 1/2 beers each…
That’s not enough
to get us kablamo-ed.
But for one person,
that might be enough
to take us to the level.
Let me hit this,
’cause I’m feeling ripe.
[Device beeps]
Whoa. I’m level…
That’s a .25.
– Holy…
– I’m leveled!
– Here we go, here we go.
– Hey, right here!
– Come on.
– Whoa, front of the line.
Excuse me, folks.
We got an emergency, here.
Come on, come on.
Hey, okay,
would you just be a bus angel
and drive us right to Telamericorp,
no stops or anything?
We’ve got a work emergency.
You got some brats on the bus?
Or a churro?
I’m starving right now.
Guys, we’re not going anywhere
till everyone’s on the bus.
So sit down.
Let’s go!
Come on!
Time to go.
[Claps]
Just follow this laser pointer.
We got some open seats
right in the back,
right down there,
if you want to see that.
Adam, help this guy out
with his money, please.
– You got money in here?
– Help him out.
What are you doing?
Stop it.
Handkerchief. Gross.
Sir, you’re never
gonna catch any fish
if you take this long, come on.
Tuck the pole.
Watch your eyes, everybody.
– What are you doing?
– I’m skitching.
No, you are not skitching.
Let’s go.
Adam, we will next time,
I promise. Come on.
[Overlapping cheers, whistle]
– We did it again.
– We did it!
And I thought
we weren’t gonna make it.
We’ll be fine now.
Once again,
does anybody have any beer?
Anybody?
Any kind of alcohol?
– No?
– Thank you all for your help.
– Yeah. Hey, what the heck?
– Good stuff.
Excuse me, sir.
You’re not going straight
to the office like I asked you.
– No, this isn’t the Ders way.
– I love the Ders way.
Why aren’t we going the Ders way?
– The Ders way’s a good way.
– Triple-left, center, right.
You guys never told me
you liked my way.
I’m glad that you like it.
It’s a good…
Oh, my God! Get down!
– What?
– Get down! It’s Alice!
Excuse me, sir!
Listen, we’re just
a couple of young bucks
chasing the American dream,
and we made a big mistake.
Behind the line.
Okay, haven’t you ever
screwed the pooch?
You ever wanted a do-over?
If so, I’m begging you to
go straight to 24th and Crocker
– without any stops.
– 24th and Crocker?
– Yeah.
– That’s 11 stops.
So what?
You’re perfect?
I’m looking at the goddamn
mom Teresa in front of me?
I’ve told my boss I wanted
to cover her
in cinnamon toast crunch dust
and then suck her…
I’m warning you,
if you don’t sit down,
I will have you removed
from this bus.
I’m okay with that, considering…
There’s a bomb on the bus!
If we go below 50 Miles per hour
or don’t go directly to Telamericorp,
– we’re all going to explode!
– What did you say?
I said, “there’s a bomb on this bus!”
– Son, I need to know…
– Oh! Watch out!
Oh! Whoa!
Cans! It was just cans.
It was a Mexi-can.
Oh, oh, man.
Oh, he’s fine.
– Oh.
– Hey, he’s all good.
Don’t move! Don’t move!
You were just hit by a bus,
buddy. Suck it up.
Oh, oh, man.
No, I can’t do this.
I can’t take it.
[Device beeps]
– [Coughs]
– .06.
I’ve never been so not drunk
in my life, man.
– I’m about to be hungover, dude!
– No!
We are not giving up! Okay?
We’re gonna go in that liquor store,
and I will buy us some booze
to replenish our body with liquor.
– Yeah.
– Cool.
Ders, I might need
to borrow a dollar or two.
– What do you mean?
– I’m not…
– Feeling…
– Oh, he’s passing out!
– He’s wasted!
– I don’t feel good.
– Are you okay?
– S’go… without me.
– Go without you?
– Yes.
– Both: Okay.
– We’ll be right back.
– [Car horn honks]
– Actually, carry me.
It’s very dangerous out here.
Yeah. We’re so close, we’re so close.
[Car horn honking]
All right, thank you, ma’am.
Don’t act like you never
passed out in the street
with rollerblades before!
Energy drinks and beer! Where?
All over the store.
Everywhere.
– Hurry up, dude.
– Feel good, then not so good.
This rock star needs a monster
can of red bull. Now.
– Oh, God. Oh!
– Just sit down.
You’re good.
Let’s get this.
– Come on.
– Tap it, and there it is.
Remember that?
It’s all natural.
– What do you need?
– Burrito.
– Handle that, okay?
– Burrito? Yes, yes.
A little more of the medicine.
There it is.
The doctor ordered some go juice.
The doctor prescribed some go juice!
There you go.
Drink up.
What a good little baby.
– Burritos.
– Check it out… painkillers.
Let’s kill the pain.
Kill the pain in my brain, man.
Jillian, what’s the haps
on the craps?
It’s all taken care of.
What?
You deleted the voicemails?
Yep. I did a great job.
– [Titters]
– Who is this?
This is Anders.
Oh, Ders!
No, I have not started yet.
– What?
– I’m starting right now.
I swear.
I just had to send out
this e-vite to my landlord.
And then Montez sent out
this funny video
of just dads sneezing.
It’s hysterical.
[Laughs]
It’s funny, ’cause it’s dads.
Jillian, turn it off,
and get to it, okay?
We need you.
[Beep]
– She… what are those?
– They’re headache pills.
We’re taking ‘em just
in case the beer wears off.
– Pretty smart, huh?
– Yeah, but that’s P.M.
Yeah, “P.M.”
that’s “power medicine,” man.
You take it to gain more power
in oneself.
Guys, those are sleeping pills.
Whatever, dude.
I’m gonna go nuke this ‘rito.
Cheers.
Thanks for saving my life.
Ders, check it out!
Yo, Ders.
Ders!
I think I just found our ride
to work.
You think you can handle
those future babes?
Dude, get with it, okay?
They’re gonna act all bitchy,
because they know they’re gonna
grow up and be hot.
We can’t take a run at ‘em yet.
All I’m saying is, I wouldn’t
mind riding that mongoose.
Come on, dude.
They’re like 15, tops.
I’m talking about the bike,
you sick freak.
I’m sorry.
You know I’m a Bianchi guy.
Adam, come on! Let’s ride!
– [Microwave beeps]
– 90 seconds.
Come on.
We need to go now!
I’m starving!
Dude, we’re 15 minutes
from losing everything.
I’m gonna buy this burrito, Ders.
And then I’m gonna eat it!
It’s just bean and cheese, man.
Still a burrito, man!
I hope you know
what you’re doing, man.
Here, come on.
Let’s go.
Oh, I know
exactly what I’m doing, man.
Hey-hey, young ladies.
How are you guys doing?
– Choco tacos. Nice.
– A choco taco, it’s perfect.
It’s, like… it’s something
that was perfect… a taco…
And then got more perfecter.
So, yes, wise selection.
Whoa, man!
Look at these cool bikes!
What do you say?
Uh, we’re all young adults.
Want to let us hop on
for a little ride?
Why don’t you guys
go ride each other?
Yeah? And you should fricking
roll up your pant leg.
Because you can’t ride a bike
in jeans.
– Yah! Yeah!
– [Screams]
[Laughs] Boys rule!
Well, yeah, I don’t know, mom.
Well, I’m not a vet.
[Vocal electronic music]
[entrance bell rings]
Doesn’t want to talk to you every day
– because you drive him crazy.
– Oh, the dickhead.
Whoa!
– What?
– Uh-oh.
– What?
– Future babes.
They never give up, man.
They remind me a lot of myself
when I was a future babe.
You know, my manager at Togo’s
always said,
“you’ll never amount to anything.”
But look at me now!
Look at me now!
– Hey, Blake.
– What?
– No one asked!
– [Screams]
Get off me.
Oh, my God. We lose ‘em?
I think so.
Clutch driving, Ders.
Whoa!
– Whoa!
– Oh, my God!
Both:
That was awesome!
– There’s more of them.
– The juice!
– How’d they find us?
– Ahh…
Hey, clerk.
[Paper crinkles] Down here.
What are you doing?
You see that lady over there?
She’s a shoplifter.
She’s stealing.
Tampons.
She’s a tampon thief.
You should interrogate her
for, like, an hour.
Oh, who am I, you might wonder?
I’m a citizen-hero.
Watch this.
Hi, good morning.
Just the coffee please.
Just the coffee?
Why don’t you show me your tampons?
I’m sorry?
Open the bag and show me the tampons.
Actually I don’t have any,
ass[bleep],
because I don’t get
my period anymore.
Why? Why don’t you get
your period anymore?
Uhh…
I cant see!
Your hair!
Eat booze, little baby girls.
All right, I’m gonna turn around!
– What? What do you mean?
– Keep pedaling! Aah!
– [Gasps]
– Whoo!
Both:
I hope these future babes
brought their tongues.
Why, dude?
Because they’re about to taste laser.
Come on, get your mind out
of the gutter, you sick freak.
I don’t know.
– [Screams]
– [Laughs] I got one!
Eat laser, scummies!
– Yeah!
– [Screams]
Sorry, chica.
Your ass is about to get kick-assed.
[Laughs]
– Oh, no!
– What?
She put her little thing down.
Oh, she just flipped me off.
That wasn’t nice.
[Slurps]
[Mumbling]
Good morning.
[Heavy metal music]
[Entrance bell rings]
Who this?
Ders-ie, guess who’s about
to be skitching?
– What?
– Oh! Ow!
– Ow! I slipped a disk.
– Adam? Adam?
– Yeah.
– What are you doing?
Are you okay?
Pfft! Yeah.
Just blading on into work.
Going green.
Lot of people without cars,
they blade all the time.
Jason Bateman blades.
Uh, Shaq doesn’t own a car.
– He blades a lot.
– Yeah, uh…
Look, why don’t you get
in my car, okay?
I’ll give you a ride to work.
You don’t look so good.
[Scoffs] Doubt it.
Hey, give me back my bike!
Hey, suck my di… ass!
– Suck my ass.
– Yeah, he said, “ass”!
Uh-oh, blazer, hold on!
We’re about to bunny hop this muh…
Y’all ain’t gonna be able to make it!
Oh, Ders, be careful!
I’m sick and tired of being careful!
But… aah!
[Bleep] you!
My stepdad’s gonna find you
and beat your ass!
Jillian, hey, how are
we doing with those codes?
Not good.
I messed up,
and I accidentally deleted
Alice’s outgoing message,
and now I have to record a new one.
How does this sound?
Hi, you’ve reached Alice.
I’m Alice, and this is my voice,
and I’m the boss.
Leave a message.
Are you sure you’re okay?
‘Cause you seem really tired.
Hmm? Aah!
I’m ready for work.
I just took a bunch
of power medicine,
so I’m… ready for action.
Actually, you know what?
You might want to go this direction
instead of directly that way.
It’s a quicker route.
Yeah, that’s the complete
opposite direction
of the office.
Yeah, I know, I know that.
It’s the scenic.
Do you like beauty?
There’s a volcano over there.
It’s a new one.
It just sprouted.
In Rancho Cucamonga?
Yeah, I don’t know
if you know our new catchphrase,
but it’s “Rancho Cucamonga,
let’s get prehistoric.”
[Imitates truck horn, cougar snarl]
Hello, you’ve reached Alice.
I’m the boss,
and I’m very angry most of the time.
I can’t answer, ’cause I’m the boss.
Did I mention that?
I’m Alice.
How was that, Blake?
Jillian, you’re the best.
[Sighs]
– [Over phone] Blake!
– Blake! Whoa, dude!
– What, man? I’m here.
– Dude, wake up!
– Come on, man.
– The pills…
So I know I was really tough
on you guys yesterday,
and I just wanted
to say how sorry I was.
It’s just been kind
of a nightmare of a week.
My sister just found out
these test results,
and it could be really serious.
Dude, wake up!
I can’t see!
Move your hair!
I can’t see!
– Move your hair.
– Move your hair!
[Tires screech]
Oh, [bleep]!
Blake?
Are you o…
Ders, where are you going?
Where are you go…
Okay, Blake, I’m gonna call someone.
Ders!
Ders, where are you? Okay.
All right, what are we doing?
What are we doing!
– Jillian!
– I’m close.
I’ve got her birthday,
social security number,
ATM, height, weight,
skull circumference.
– Move!
– What are you doing?
– The only thing I can do.
– Holmvik!
Put it down.
Put it…
I said…!
might sound weird to you,
but to me it’s just OCD, you know.
And I’m not suffering from it,
Alice, I’m living with it.
Right.
So your OCD makes you weigh
people’s phones?
Yeah.
And that’s what I was doing.
Yours is about, uh,
12 fluid ounces, give or take.
That’s fascinating.
Hey, why don’t you go out
into the parking lot
and take care of your dumbass friends
who are asleep there.
– That’d be great, champs, okay?
– Very good. Thank you.
If you catch me weighing
anybody else’s,
just give me like a…
We’ll figure it out.
Hey, wait!
Were you trying
to listen to my messages?
This is saying I’m locked
out of the system for 24 hours
for entering the wrong password
too many times.
No, I was, uh, weighing your phone.
That was me.
Uh, I was just trying to be
the best assistant I could be.
Jillian, it’s your birthday.
Really? Today?
No, my password is your birthday.
Well, color me flattered.
Jillian, you set it up, remember?
Oh, now I do.
But you never changed it.
Could’ve changed it.
Didn’t.
Jillian, I thought telling you
to stay the eff away from it
[bleep] would be enough,
but apparently it’s not.
So I’m just gonna tell you,
if you go near my phone again,
you’ll be back washing dishes
at Shakey’s.
I watched dishes.
I didn’t wash them.
There should be a warning
right on the label.
“It’s not power medicine.
You’re not gonna gain strength.
You’re gonna go to sleep.”
– It’s P.M.
– Who woulda thunk.
Dude, how hard did Alice snap
on us today?
Crazy, right?
– Somebody needs to get twirked.
– Yeah.
I’m not gonna be the one
twirking her,
if she treats me like that,
and I’m a good twirker.
– We know. We hear you.
– You’re a great twirker.
She doesn’t even deserve
one ounce of your twirk.
You got to move your hips
like a figure eight. Damn.
Yep, there it is.
She’s a freaking trick-ass b-yotch.
She is, yeah.
And I almost feel like
calling her up again
and giving her a piece of my mind.
Been there, huh?
I thought of the best one today.
I was like…
You know how you’re always like,
“oh, man, I wish
I could have said that,”
after some stuff just happened?
– Always.
– That’s what happened.
– What was it?
– Do it.
No, I don’t think I…
You got to, man, if it’s that good.
It’s ringing, it’s ringing.
– Shhh, shhh, shhh.
– I can’t wait to hear it.
Hello? Alice?
Uh, this is, uh, not Adam.

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