“The Big Bang Theory” The Shiny Trinket Maneuver – 2012

Posted by on January 13, 2012

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Completely empty box.
If you’d like to examine it…
Mm-hmm. Yep.
I see nothing in this box
but a wasted childhood.
Little snarky there,
Cello Lessons.
And we have this completely
ordinary cylinder.
If you’d like to examine it…
Ordinary, yet I sense it is
dripping with magical potential.
Oh, dear Lord.
A man pops out for a moment
to evacuate his bowels
and catch up on the adventures
of the Caped Crusader,
only to emerge
and discover his apartment
has been transformed
into a cabaret.
Sheldon, he’s just
practicing for his
cousin’s birthday party.
As I was saying…
empty box, empty cylinder,
and… ooh!
Voila.
I’m telling you, dude,
there’s a seat
on the Hogwarts Express
with your name on it.
This is how you’re
going to entertain
your little cousin
and his friends?
By lying to them?
How is this lying?
A magic show is an inherently
deceitful proposition.
“This is an ordinary top hat.”
“You’ve chosen
that card freely.”
“I do not have a set of lock
picks lodged in my keister.”
Can’t you
just enjoy the wonder, Sheldon?
Why must you
peek behind the curtain?
Or up the butt?
If we poison the critical
thinking faculties of children
by telling them that rabbits
come out of hats,
then we create adults
who believe in astrology
and homeopathy
and that Ryan Reynolds was a
better choice for Green Lantern
than lovable rogue
Nathan Fillion.
Sheldon,
he’s just gonna do a few
magic tricks for some kids.
I really don’t think
they’re gonna end up
liking the Green Lantern movie.
Don’t be so
hard on him.
It’s natural to be
a little cranky when you have…
a quarter
in your ear!
Coins lodged in body parts
is not a source of amusement.
When I was five, Billy Sparks
put a Mexican peso up my nose.
Wait-wait-wait,
how is that not amusing?
It’s still there.
Takes me
45 minutes to get
through airport security.
Look, I made
Sheldon disappear. Ta-da.
Next time, you should
open with that.
♪ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ♪
♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started… Wait! ♪
♪ The Earth began to cool
♪ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ♪
♪ We built the Wall
♪ We built the pyramids ♪
♪ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ♪
♪ That all started
with a big bang ♪
♪ Bang! ♪
font color=#00FF00The Big Bang Theory 5×12/font
font color=#00FFFFThe Shiny Trinket Maneuver/font
Original Air Date on January 12, 2012
== sync, corrected by font color=#00FF00elderman/font ==
Ooh, look who’s out on a date.
Pasadena’s favorite
power couple, Shamy.
And that is the answer
to the question,
what is wrong with eating
at The Cheesecake Factory?
So, are we celebrating
anything special tonight?
Oh, yes.
Our relationship
agreement specifies
that the second Thursday
of every month,
or the third Thursday
in a month with five Thursdays,
is date night.
That is so hot.
All right, without objection,
the minutes of the previous date
are considered
read and agreed to.
Any new business?
How was your day?
Superb.
This morning I made
a palindrome
with my Alpha-Bits.
“Nice hat, Bob Tahecin.”
Sounds like you
hit the ground running.
I have a bit of
good news myself.
My most recent paper
on how a cooperative
long-term potentiation
can map memory sequences
in dendritic branches
made the cover of Neuron.
Ooh! Speaking of good news,
somebody…
just hit 100
Twitter followers.
That’s nice.
Anyway, I’ve been
dreaming of this day
for a long time.
Yeah, me, too.
Triple digits,
I’m not gonna lie–
it feels pretty good.
Sheldon,
I’m the sole author
on a paper being published
in a distinguished journal
that may change
the course of my field.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Ooh, 101!
Air’s getting
a bit thin up here.
So, are we ready to order?
Give me a minute.
I’m gonna go wash up.
Well, that’s odd.
We both washed up
when we came in.
It’s probably a euphemism
for urination.
Sheldon, what is
wrong with you?
Not much. Although,
I can be faulted
for being overly fond
of koala bears.
I don’t know what it is,
when they smart munching
on eucalyptus,
I just melt inside.
Okay, Amy just told you
some exciting news,
and you acted like
it was no big deal.
Oh, I see why you’re confused.
No, her news sounded important,
but what you’re forgetting is,
it was an achievement
in the field of biology.
That’s all about yucky,
squishy things.
Honey, she’s upset.
You’re her boyfriend.
You have to at least
try to be excited
by the things
she’s excited by.
What if they simply
don’t excite me?
Well, just smile and
think about koalas.
She’d see right through that.
We go to the zoo all the time.
She knows my koala face.
And for future reference,
it’s this.
Oh, you have a lot
of magic stuff.
Yeah.
I started when I was a teenager.
I thought I could show
a girl a few tricks
and invite her up to my bedroom
to see the rest of the act.
Did it work?
Ah, let’s just say the only wand
that ever saw any action
was this one.
Oh, look what my mom
made us for the act.
Ooh…
I like the fabric.
Where’d she get it?
Well, she cut up one
of her old bathing suits.
She made these two vests
and half a dozen napkins.
Has she
tried on the vest yet?!
I just gave it to her!
I hope it fits– she
has a tricky figure!
She’s short
and stacked, like me!
She’s not stacked like you, Ma!
She never steps on hers!
Listen, Howie,
maybe I’m not the best choice
to be a magician’s assistant.
You’ll do fine.
Hand me those rings?
See? You nailed it.
You know, i-it’s just that
I’m not that comfortable
with little kids.
Well, that’s because you
haven’t been around them much.
This is good
practice. I mean,
you are gonna be
a mom someday, right?
Mmm…
Yeah, sure.
Oh-ho-ho!
I haven’t seen
this trick in years.
It’s called
the dove pan.
You let everyone see
the pan is empty,
but there’s a secret
compartment in the lid.
And then you open it
and produce a live…
Don’t look in there.
Oh, a little Red
Dead Redemption, huh?
How come you’re not
doing a mission?
You’re just
wandering around.
Had a rough night.
I thought I’d go for a walk
and clear my head.
Some people go outside
and do that.
It’s after 9:00– at this hour
the streets of Pasadena
are teeming with drunken sailors
and alley cats.
You want to talk about it?
I think I’ll just go
in this saloon
and drink my troubles away.
You know digital
alcohol is never a solution.
What’s going on?
Hard as this may be to believe,
it’s possible that
I’m not boyfriend material.
Glad I was sitting down
for that.
Did you and Amy get in a fight?
Amy had a fight; I was being
perfectly reasonable.
I’m gonna have a whiskey.
Do you want anything?
No, I can’t.
I’m playing Grand
Theft Auto later.
Look, I’m no expert in women…
I’ll say.
That’s not necessary when
someone’s trying to help you.
I’m sorry.
It’s the alcohol talking.
Go on.
Sometimes with women you want
to listen to what upsets them
and then show them
that you can grow and change.
Nuts to that.
What else you got?
Buy her something.
How does that work?
Well, you skip over
any attempt to repair
your emotional connection
and you win back her affection
with an empty financial gesture.
Well, that approach has Sheldon
Cooper written all over it.
Glad I could help.
It’s appreciated.
And if you ever manage
to find a woman again, I’ll
be glad to return the favor.
And now, all
the rings are
magically linked together.
My fiancée’s wearing
a magic ring, too.
It made all my money disappear.
Oh, ah, right.
And now, the
great Howdini’s
next miraculous
illusion.
When are we gonna have cake?
After you’ve
been thoroughly amazed.
But we want cake now.
Well, you’re not getting cake
right now, capisce?
Okay. Okay.
Now, my lovely assistant
is going to bring me
an ordinary
pitcher of milk.
I know how you do that trick.
Do you know how to pipe down?
Okay, we’re going
to roll up
this newspaper.
It’s a fake pitcher.
You got wax in your ears?
The man said
it’s an ordinary pitcher.
Howdini.
Okay, we’re going
to stick this in here.
And then I’m going
to pour in the milk.
I hope this works,
because I didn’t
bring a change of pants.
Look, I Googled it.
It’s a fake pitcher.
That’s it.
No cake for you.
Anyone else want to
join the No Cake Club?
She’s just kidding,
boys and girls.
Everyone gets cake.
Not him.
Just give me the pitcher.
Behold!
Wrong pitcher.
I told you I’m not
good with kids.
Yes, you did.
Oh, I think my crotch
is starting to curdle.
The thing is, my mother
worked full-time.
I had to take care of
my brothers and sisters.
Yeah, so?
Ugh, it was horrible!
With their snotty noses
and their poopy diapers
and their little shrieky voices,
always complaining.
“I don’t want to get dressed.”
“Joey keeps spitting
in my mouth.”
“This isn’t the way
Mom makes waffles.”
Well, okay, put your
hand in here.
Let’s see how you
like this waffle!
All right, settle down.
Red light.
Red light, red light!
Okay, we’re fine.
I’m sorry.
I know it makes me sound
like a bad person,
but I just don’t like children.
Yeah, no, we all got that.
But don’t you think
it’ll be different
when the child is ours?
Right, when it’s our kid
that’s ruined my body
and kept me up all night and
I’ve got no career and no future
and nothing to be happy about
for the next 20 years,
sure, that’ll be
completely different.
Well, yeah.
I don’t think there’s
anything in this jewelry store
that Amy would appreciate more
than the humidifier we were
just looking at at Sears.
Oh, my God, now I know
what I sound like to you
when I say stupid stuff.
Ooh, a pocket watch.
Okay, I don’t think Amy
wants a pocket watch.
No, but maybe she wants
a man with a pocket watch.
Still saying stupid stuff.
Ooh…
Does she like bracelets?
Well, she’s very fond
of her silver one
that says “allergic
to penicillin.”
Maybe they have a dressier
version of that?
Well, how are we doing
this afternoon?
Are we looking for
anything special?
Perhaps a ring for the lady?
Trust me, we are
not a couple.
Excuse me.
I don’t see why you get to snort
derisively and point that out.
You’d be lucky to land
a fella like me.
Fine, go ahead.
Trust me, we are
not a couple.
My apologies.
How can I help you today?
He’s in trouble
with his girlfriend
and needs to
buy her a present.
Great, trouble with girlfriends
is what’s putting
my daughter through USC.
Ooh, are these real diamonds?
Yes. Channel set baguettes,
20 points total weight.
Remarkable.
Diamonds, crystallized carbon.
Every day, people go
to the grocery store
and come home with
sacks full of carbon
in the form of
charcoal briquettes
that they toss in their
barbeques and set on fire.
But just because
you’ve got some carbon
with the atoms stacked neatly,
you expect me to plunk down
thousands of dollars.
Actually, that’s only 750.
Everything’s on sale.
Really. Talk to me
about that pocket watch.
I’m still trying to
wrap my mind around it.
I always
thought I’d be a dad someday.
Oh, me, too.
You’re so caring.
I’ve often pictured you guiding
a young boy into manhood.
There you go, Howard.
Sounds like Raj’ll have
your babies; problem solved.
Hey, just because a man
shows caring for another man
doesn’t mean he’s
displaying the love
that dare not speak its name.
Did she definitely say
she didn’t want kids?
Yeah, she doesn’t like them.
And from what I saw,
the feeling was mutual.
What are you gonna do?
I don’t know.
I can’t see a life
where I don’t have kids.
I mean, people have kids.
I mean, even Donkey Kong
had Donkey Kong Jr.
So he could teach someone
how to kidnap princesses
and throw barrels
at Italian plumbers.
You know, there’s no guarantee
even if you have kids
that you’re going to like them.
Wow, that’s rough.
Where’d you get that?
It’s right off the dust jacket
of my mom’s last book.
Maybe me and Bernadette
aren’t right for each other.
Look, Howard, I’d say there’s
a lot of fish in the sea,
but I watched you dangle your
hook in the water for years.
Do not throw her back.
I don’t want to, but this is
kind of a deal breaker.
What’s your mom going to say
if you call off the wedding?
Oh, it’ll kill her.
On the other hand, if I don’t
give her grandchildren,
that’ll kill her, too.
So, either way,
on the Mom front, I’m golden.
What time did you tell
Amy to be here?
8:00.
Sheldon, that pocket watch
is ridiculous.
Nonsense.
I look like a train conductor.
Under what pretext
did you lure her here?
I said, “Hey, want
to come over and hang out?”
Good, good, if you had
said something clever,
she might’ve gotten suspicious.
What’s he doing here?
Okay, he wants
to talk to you.
Well, I don’t want
to talk to him.
And I’m pretty
disappointed in you, too.
Although we both
know that won’t last.
Sheldon, you’re up.
Thank you.
Amy, I’d like to apologize.
Your accomplishment
was impressive.
And I’m proud of you.
We both know that’s
your koala face.
I told you.
Okay, look, he
bought you this.
Jewelry?
Seriously?
Sheldon, you are
the most shallow,
self-centered person
I have ever met.
Do you really think another
transparently manipul…
Oh, it’s a tiara!
A tiara!
I have a tiara!
Put it on me, put it on me,
put it on me, put it on me,
put it on me, put it
on me, put it on me.
You look beautiful.
Of course I do, I’m a princess,
and this is my tiara!
You were right,
the tiara was too much.
Howard! Bernadette’s…
Oh, she slipped
right by me.
Here’s your vest back.
You should keep it.
You could wear it
again sometime.
Where?
I don’t know, hunting?
Don’t forget to talk to
her about this mishegas
where I don’t
get grandkids!
Don’t worry, Ma.
I will, as soon
as I can figure out a way
to bring up
such a sensitive issue!
I guess you talked
to your mom, huh?
I was upset.
My mom can be a pretty
good shoulder to cry on,
if the smell of Bengay
doesn’t burn your eyes.
Look, it’s obvious having kids
is really important to you,
and I think I came up
with a solution.
Really?
That’s great. What?
Well, seeing as how I make way
more money than you anyway,
what if I work and you
stay home with the kids?
Yeah.
You know, you’ll watch Barney
and pull Cheerios
out of their noses
and go on play dates,
and I’ll work and
have conversations
with people my own age
and enjoy my life.
Yeah…
Yay, so we’re good.
Yeah, we’re good.
You know, I don’t know if
this counted as a fight,
but how about
some make-up sex?
I would love that.
But what is that
behind your ear?
Oh, look, it’s a condom.
== sync, corrected by font color=#00FF00elderman/font ==

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