Download subtitles of Inception 2010 English English
I’m just gonna run to the
store and get a few things.
I’ll pick you up
when you’re done.
Okay.
I like it a little better
when you stay, but all right.
Hey, Sheldon.
Hello. I’m here for my haircut
with Mr. D’Onofrio.
I’m sorry, Uncle Tony’s
in the hospital.
He’s pretty sick.
Oh, dear, Mr. D’Onofrio’s
in the hospital.
Why do these things
always happen to me?
I can cut it for you.
You’re not Mr. D’Onofrio.
I get my hair cut
by Mr. D’Onofrio.
You believe
this guy?
Excuse us for a second.
Sheldon, it’s okay,
he can do it.
He’s a barber.
He’s not a barber,
he’s the nephew.
He’s an example
of the kind
of nepotism that runs rampant
in the barbering industry.
Besides, Mr.
D’Onofrio knows
exactly how I like my
hair done because he has
all my haircut records
from my barber in Texas.
What are you talking about?
When I first
moved here,
I was nervous about
finding a new barber,
so my mother had all
my haircut records
sent here to
Mr. D’Onofrio.
There’s no such thing
as haircut records.
Yes, there are.
Have you ever seen them?
No, but my mother assured
me they were sent here,
and I’ll bet you
dollars to donuts
that this one
doesn’t have them.
Uh, excuse me.
Do you have access
to my haircut records?
Your what?
To paraphrase T.S. Eliot,
this is the way
the world ends–
not with a bang
but with a nephew.
Sheldon, you’re a grown man,
he’s a professional,
and your haircut is number three
on that poster from 1946.
Just sit down
and let him do it.
Fine, but if I come
out of this
looking like a dork,
it’s on you.
So my kid said
the funniest thing today.
Nope.
When you tell this story later,
the word we usually use is
“quirky.”
♪ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ♪
♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started… Wait! ♪
♪ The Earth began to cool ♪
♪ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ♪
♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪ We built the pyramids ♪
♪ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ♪
♪ That all started
with a big bang ♪
♪ Bang! ♪
Original Air Date on February 23, 2012
Can you pass
the Parmesan cheese?
Sure.
What are you doing?
I’m trying to get the hair
out of my eyes.
Sheldon,
you are one day late
for your haircut.
Thank you for captioning
my nightmare.
Lookie here,
I got my travel orders.
“Payload Specialist Howard
Wolowitz is requested
“to report to the NASA
Johnson Space Center,
“Houston, Texas,
for astronaut training
Monday 8:00 a.m.”
Yeah, but it’s from NASA,
so it’s 0800.
But it says
“8:00 a.m”"
You read it as “0800.”
It doesn’t have an
“O” in front of it.
You know what does have
an “oh” in front of it?
“Oh, my God, I’m an astronaut,
and you’re dying of jealousy.”
So, what kind of
things are they…?
Will you stop that?
I can’t help it,
I feel like a teen heartthrob.
You know, Sheldon,
I used to cut my brother’s hair.
I could do it for you.
Penny, I know you mean well,
offering the skills
of the hill folk, but, um,
here in town,
we don’t churn our own butter,
we don’t make dresses
out of gunny sacks,
and, uh, we sure as shootin’
don’t get our hair cut
by bottle-blonde…
Sheldon, be nice.
I’m sorry,
it’s the bad boy attitude
that comes with this hair.
You could go to my guy.
He’s at Juan-Juan
in Beverly Hills.
They bring you a cup of tea,
they’ll massage your scalp.
It’s about $200, but sometimes
you look in the next chair
and you see a superstar
like Tony Danza.
Have we actually changed
the conversation
from “I’m going
to astronaut training”
to “Sheldon can’t
get a haircut”?
Now who’s dying of jealousy?
“Oh,” it’s you.
♪ I’m a cowboy ♪
♪ On a steel horse
I ride ♪
♪ I’m wanted ♪
♪ I’m wanted ♪
♪ Wanted ♪
♪ Dead or alive. ♪
Sheldon,
you’re ruining girlfriend-
boyfriend sing-along night.
I’m sorry.
I’m looking for a barber
and I’m running out of time.
My hair is growing at the rate
of 4.6 yoctometers
per femtosecond.
I mean, if you’re quiet,
you can hear it.
What about Supercuts?
I tried once.
They do men’s and women’s hair
in the same room
at the same time.
It’s like Sodom and Gomorrah
with mousse.
Well, this isn’t
a crisis.
Why don’t you just let
your hair grow out a little?
Why don’t I let
my hair grow out?
Um, why don’t I start
wearing Birkenstocks
and seeking validation
of my opinions by asking
“Can you dig it?”
Well, I don’t know.
I think you might look
sexy with long hair.
The kind that flows down
to your shoulders
and blows back
while riding on a horse.
Bareback and bare-chested.
I’m gonna go brush my teeth;
it might take a while.
Hi, sweetie.
I miss you.
I miss you, too.
So tell me
all about your first day.
Oh, wow, where do I even start?
I got to experience
zero gravity.
Cool. How do they do that?
It’s pretty neat.
You get in this plane
that goes almost straight up
for, like, 20 seconds,
and then straight back down
like it’s going to crash, and
they do it
over and over again, you know,
no matter how many times
you throw up.
You threw up?
Yeah… and the craziest part
is, because there’s no gravity,
the throw-up kind of
floats there…
in a little ball,
if your mouth is open
because you’re screaming…
…sometimes it just floats
right back in.
Boy, does everyone laugh
at you when that happens.
That sounds mean.
Yeah, I would have laughed, too,
but I didn’t want the vomit
to come back out.
Anyway…
Oh, could you do me a favor
and overnight me
some more underwear?
Sure, why?
I got a look at the centrifuge
they’re going to spin me
around in tomorrow,
and I have a hunch
I packed a little light.
Mr. D’Onofrio?
It’s Sheldon.
They didn’t have
anything barber-themed
in the gift shop,
so I got you this.
I don’t know if you can read
his little T-shirt.
It says, um,
“Get well bear-y soon.”
Trust me, if you were even
a little conscious right now,
you’d be laughing.
Anyway…
There’s new studies that show,
people in comas are aware
of everything going on
around them.
With that in mind,
if you can hear me,
move away from the light
and toward the sound
of these scissors.
Can I help you?
Do you have something
I could use as a cape?
Oh, dear,
did we spit out our pills,
slip out of the ninth floor,
and go on a little adventure?
Oh, no,
no, I’m just here
to get my hair cut.
I-I see.
J-Jus-Just wait here one moment.
Security!
I got to run.
But not with scissors–
that would be unsafe.
So, if I move
my horsey here…
…isn’t that checkmate
and I win?
Well, is it
or isn’t it?
You know, I think this is
a good stopping point.
Uh, it’s your
first real game.
I threw a lot
of information at you.
Well, no,
I mean,
your king is trapped.
He can’t go here
because of my lighthouse,
and…
he can’t go here because
of my pointy-head guy.
Like I said, complicated game.
So did I win or not?
Did you have fun?
Because if you had fun,
then you are, you are a winner.
That’s, that-that’s
what chess is all about.
Hello.
– Hey.
– Oh, hey.
Sorry, Sheldon, I’ll move.
Eh, why?
My spot, your spot–
what difference does it make?
Okay, what just happened?
I don’t know.
Between you playing chess
like Bobby Fischer
and Sheldon being okay
with you in his spot,
I’m guessing someone went
back in time, stepped on a bug,
and changed the course
of human events.
Uh, sweetie,
are you all right?
No, I’m not all right.
It’s been six days since I
was supposed to get a haircut
and nothing horrible
has happened.
Okay, I’m sorry,
I don’t understand.
Leonard, explain it to her.
Oh, uh, he’s crazy.
I have spent my whole life
trying to bring order
to the universe
by carefully planning
every moment of every day.
But all my efforts–
our dinner schedule,
my pajama rotation,
my bowel movement spreadsheet–
it’s clear now,
I’ve been wasting my time.
Good. I’m taking that
disgusting chart off the fridge.
You know, Sh-Sheldon,
sometimes it’s nice
not knowing what’s coming.
I mean, look at me and Leonard.
We went out, we broke up,
now we’re trying again.
We don’t know
what’s gonna happen.
Oh, please, everyone knows
what’s going to happen.
But I see your point.
I think this could
be good for you.
Maybe it’s time for you
to shake things up a bit.
You’re right.
I should embrace the chaos.
Great.
What are you going
to do first?
I don’t know.
I could do anything.
All bets are off.
The world is my oyster.
I got it.
I’m going to put
on my Tuesday pajamas tonight.
I got to tell you,
I’m a little worried about him.
If I were you, I’d be
worried that a girl
who’s never played chess in
her life just kicked your ass.
Howie, what happened to you?
We did overnight survival
training in the wilderness.
Big fun.
Big, big fun.
I was gonna freshen up for you
but I blacked out a little
on the way to the bathroom.
Survival training?
Is that like camping?
Uh-huh.
Except you don’t
have food or water,
and they don’t have
a sunset Sabbath service
like they do
at Camp Hess-Kramer.
Do you sleep in tents?
I slept in a hole
I dug in the ground
with my bare hands.
And at some point
during the night,
an armadillo crawled in
and spooned me.
Poor baby.
But I did it.
I survived.
I wasn’t sure I was going to
when the sandstorm hit.
I just pulled my turtleneck
up over my head
and waited for death.
But somehow as I sat there,
wrapped in a cocoon
of my own neck-sweat,
I found that primal part
of the human spirit
that just wants
to keep on living,
no matter what the cost.
You’re so brave.
I’m proud of you.
I ate a butterfly.
It was so small and…
beautiful,
but I was so hungry.
Are you crying?
No, I don’t think it’s possible.
I’m severely dehydrated.
My pee is like toothpaste.
Howie, if you’re not able
to do this, come home.
It won’t change
how I feel about you.
Thanks, honey, but I can’t quit.
If I do, I’ll just be a guy
who had a chance to be an
astronaut and gave it up.
Well, is there anything
I could do to help?
Wait.
Send more underwear.
Don’t let this
be Sheldon playing bongos.
Hello, Leonard,
do you like my bongos?
Bet you didn’t know
that I had bongos.
Sheldon, it’s 3:00 o’clock
in the morning.
3:00 in the morning
is a good time for bongos.
I was sleeping.
Leonard sleeps
while I play bongos.
No, he doesn’t.
Leonard no sleep
while I play bongos.
Bongo solo.
Stop! Stop it!
Stop! Stop! Stop it!
– What the hell?!
– Oh, hi,
Penny, guess what?
Sheldon got bongos.
Why did you get bongos?
Richard Feynman
played the bongos.
I thought I’d give that a try.
Richard Feynman
was a famous physicist.
Oh, Leonard, it’s 3:00 o’clock
in the morning.
I don’t care if Richard Feynman
was a purple leprechaun
who lived in my butt.
Penny meant if he were
a purple leprechaun.
Penny forgot
Sheldon, go to bed.
You have work in the morning.
Maybe, maybe not.
Maybe tomorrow I start
a bongo band and tour the world.
No, no, hang on,
uh, uh,
Roommate Agreement.
No hootenannies, sing-a-longs,
or barbershop quartets
after 10:00 p.m.
Roommate Agreement?
Are you kidding?
We are living in a world
of chaos.
Roommate Agreement.
Where are you going?
Wherever the music
takes me, kitten.
I play bongos
walking down the stairs.
Oh! Oh!
Never play bongos
walking down the stairs.
Surprise.
What are you doing here?
I’m here to help you
get through this.
You can’t do it on your own,
you need someone
to take care of you.
Oh, I love you so much.
Oh, I love you.
Howard,
your bath is getting cold!
Don’t worry, once
she falls asleep,
I’ll spoon you
like an armadillo.
He showed up in the middle
of the night with his bongos.
I foolishly thought it was some
sort of musical booty call.
Poor guy.
He must have been exhausted.
Sheldon like to sleep
while Leonard play the bongo!
That was kind of uncalled for.
No, it was called for.
What’s going on?
All right, Sheldon,
this craziness
has gone on long enough.
Please come home
so I can cut your hair.
Penny, you’re not trained.
You’re not licensed.
Most importantly, you don’t have
access to my haircut records.
All right, honey, look,
we’ve known each other
for a long time now, right?
I’ve taken you to Disneyland,
I kicked a bully
in the nuts for you,
I sing you “Soft Kitty”
when you’re sick,
you’ve even saw me naked once.
I’m sorry,
what?
It was a long story.
Anyway, Sheldon, I promise
I know what I’m doing.
Please let me cut your hair.
Amy, what do you think?
There’s not a hair on my body
I wouldn’t let this woman trim.
Fine, let’s go.
Thank you for letting me
sleep on your couch.
There’s only so many times
a woman can say,
“How about the bed?”
What’s this
about Sheldon seeing you naked?
Oh, relax. It was just
her bottom and her breasts.
Almost done.
At the end of the haircut,
Mr. D’Onofrio
would tell me a dirty joke.
Sorry, I don’t know
any dirty jokes.
That’s okay,
I never understood them anyway.
Okay, what do you think?
Hm, well,
it’s a little Hollywood.
But I think
I can pull it off.
Well done, Penny.
Ha, told you.
Okay, I’m just gonna clean up
your neck a little
and then you are good to go.
Fun time.
Sorry, sometimes the clippers
tickle me.
Okay.
Okay, yep, we’re all done now.
It’s just… it’s good.
Let me just take that