“Californication” Scared Straight 2013 English English

Posted by on February 27, 2013

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Previously on Californication… He gave me a ride because I spent the night at his place. – What’s his name? – Ross. – What’s your poison? – Heroin… coke, booze, speed. A little bit of everything, really. And there’s all the fucked up sexual shit that goes along with it. How do you know about Becca’s thing tonight? Oh, we keep in touch. She’s always asking me questions about writing. She never asks me questions about writing. Okay, hi. I’m–I’m–I’m here to see Natalie. Natalie’s my wife. Natalie said, “Let the new designer in.” Okay, that’s–that’s me. I don’t want to twist your arm, but, um, I’d like to take your hand here… And shove it up my skirt. If you’re gonna die, wouldn’t you rather die with your dick in my bum? If I’m gonna die, I’m gonna die doing what I was born to do. This is it. This is the moment we’ve been waiting for. I’m shitting genius right now. Hank, we gotta go! Do you guys mind if I crash here? Do some writing? Maybe have a few people over? – Whatever you need. – Congratulations. You have made it to the next round. Home sweet… Holy Moses. What the fuck? Hank? Jesus guide me! All the furniture is in the bedroom, Hank. Shh, shh, shh! – Just the tip. Come on. – No! Get a condom. Is that Becca? Just like five seconds. Four seconds. She looks good, Hank. She’s grown up. I’ll kill you. – She’s very well-developed. – I will fucking kill you. You know chlorine kills 99.9% of the sperm, right? It’s true. Okay, fine. I’ll get a condom, jeez. Hey, Hank! What’s up? Hey… – Oh! – Dad! – Hi, Becca. – Ohh! Original Air Date on February 24, 2013 You didn’t have to hit him. No, I didn’t have to. I wanted to. He could sue you. Yeah, but then I’d have to cut off his dick and feed it to the homeless. You know what? I still haven’t heard you say you’re sorry. Am I sorry for messing up Charlie’s place? Yes, of course, and I will clean it up. But am I sorry for throwing a killer party and having an awesome time? Absolutely not. This is becoming a problem, Becca. – Right. – I’m not sure I agree. Give me that. Booyah! Great, now you have to buy me a new one. – No, I don’t. – Fine. Then you won’t be able to get in touch with me. I could be holed up in a crack den somewhere, and you wouldn’t be able to track my iPhone. I don’t like you very much right now. Do you like her very much right now? – No, I don’t. – Hmm. I don’t see what the big deal is. You drank all the time. Not all the time. – You smoke pot. – When it’s around. It’s not like I have one of those magic marijuana cards or anything, right? Do you use cocaine? I have experimented with the drug you call cocaine. A long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, in my misspent youth. That’s a lie. Well, sometimes it’s important to lie to children. Mmhmm. – This is not a very good talk. – No, it’s not. Bottom line is, you’re making some questionable choices right now. Huh. Yeah. Says the queen of questionable choices. – Hey! Be respectful – Ow. Of your mother’s questionable choices. Look, I respect you both. Always. My home life has been chaotic, to say the least. But I’ve always kept it together. You guys had it easy with me. Agreed. But you can’t expect us to ignore the fact that you’re out of control right now. Yeah, yeah, what she said. But I’m having so much fun. I’m partying like a rock star. Okay, look, enough of this jibber-jabber. No more lectures. Let’s take this shit into the field. Come on. Let’s go. What up, Runks? What is–what? – Okay, what the fuck is that? – What–I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Look, I just– I had an experience recently– Yeah, like a gay thing? I heard. No, no, I’m totally straight now. Didn’t you hear? I heard that you got fired again. Well, yes, that was unfortunate. But… Are you trying to get out of your child support payments or something? – Look, a bow. – Is that–stop it. – No! No, never. – Uh-huh. Yeah. – God, I got a new job. – Mm-hmm. A good job. I do still wonder why I have to pay you to care for a child that you named after your second husband. That still does not sit well with me. He’s your son, Charlie! I know, I know, and I love him to death. And that’s what I’m here about, really. Because I had a life-or-death experience recently. And it really– it clarified things for me, Marcy. It focused things. And I thought, I would really like to spend the day with you and little Stu. Well, that’s great. You’re welcome to spend the day with Stu, and I will go shopping. That works too. Happy to lighten your load. What? I don’t know. I just know you’re working some kind of angle here. No, Marcy, scout’s honor. I have no angle. I am angle-free. That’s bullshit, because we all know you’re dick’s all bent. Thanks for reminding me. That’s what I’m here for. Just keepin’ it real, Runkle. I’m just glad you’re thinking about it. All right! Stuart! I know all this “partying like a rock star” stuff looks like fun, but this shit eventually turns on you, you know? You wanna know what a real rock star looks like? It ain’t pretty. Hank. Friend. I missed you. And you brought your family with you. – Yes. – Is–is that your child? Becca. Hello, child. She speaks English. And Karen, oh, my God! – Hey. – I had a dream about you. – Oh. – Did I tell you? I was standing on the stage, and I spied you in the front row. And I was enchanted by your preternatural beauty. So I focused all my energy on you, and–and– and I made you have an orgasm just by looking at you. Hmm, how do you know she wasn’t faking it? It was my fucking dream. Oh, ooh, oh, God. Ooh, I’m feeling something. – I think it’s bouncing off– – Shut the fuck up. Come on, I’ve got someone to introduce you to. He’s a big fan of yours. And mine. You see what I mean? Hank, Karen, child… I would like you to meet the poet and philosopher, – Holy shit, that’s… – Marilyn Manson. We’re talking about doing a duet together. Maybe a tour of the states. That would be really something, I’m just here for the narcotics. He’she–he kids. Not really. – He does– – Hey, listen, I brought Becca here because I want– – Becca? Who’s Becca? – My daughter. Oh, the child. Yeah. She’s recently discovered And I want to disabuse her of the notion that it won’t hurt her in the long run, you understand? Why would you do that? Because I love her, and I don’t want her to O.D. before she’s of legal drinking age. Can you help a brother out? Absolutely. I’ve done quite a few anti-drug P.S.A.s in my time. – Mm-hmm. – Some of them sober even. Hank Moody? Marilyn Manson. I’m a fan of your words. – Oh. – I’d be honored if you came and did some narcotics with me. This is so fucking cool. Yeah, it is fucking cool. I know, I see you inside the mouth, that’s right, I know. Ow! What the– Braden! I’m so sorry. You’re new here. Yeah, I am. Yeah, it kind of makes you want to eat a shotgun, huh? You said it, sister. I’m Tricia. Hi. Charlie. Nice to meet you. I’m, uh, Braden, Aidan, and Jaden’s mom. – Wow. – Yeah. You’re making me feel lazy. I just have the one. Don’t do that, Stuie. Nope, not in your mouth! Okay. Are you married? Eh, divorced. – Yeah. – You? Married. 23 years. – Really? Wow! – Yeah. You don’t even look old enough to be married that long. Oh, thank you. That’s sweet. Actually, my husband and I are high school sweethearts. – That is so cool. – Well. – And inspiring, you know? – Don’t do that. No. Toto make it work for… – Yeah. – So long. It’s work. It is, actually. Hard work. I see you, Stu. I don’t know. You gotta be just best friends and, I don’t know, keep it fresh somehow. – Absolutely. – Yes. You gotta tell me your secret sometime. Hey, would you want to get the kids together for a playdate? – Uh, yeah, sure, I guess. – Yeah. You put your phone number in here, and I’ll text you sometime. Okay. Here you go. Perfect. I’m sorry. Is this from you? Why are you apologizing? Just give me five minutes. Well, wh-what about the kids? Don’t be such a fucking pussy. They’re fine. Uh, Stuie, daddy has to go– I’m–just stay inside the dragon, okay, Stuie? In the mouth. I love doing drugs. Hey, that sounds like something you would say, Dad. Yeah, as–as a joke, maybe. Here’s the thing, child. Some of us are Keith Moon, and some of us are Keith Richards. And–and you don’t know which one you are until you end up in a coffin or in an old people’s home. Huh, that’s comforting. Thank you. Here’s something they don’t tell you. Rampant sexual behavior, drug use, etcetera… You will end up with AIDS. Well, no, they do tell you that, actually. Well, I wish they would have told me, because I have AIDS, now. I’m just fucking kidding. Why are you guys so serious? Christmas. I want AIDS. Should we just say this whole thing backfired, and get the fuck out of here. Listen, Moody, love your words, much respect. But I like your taste in women better. She’s a handsome one, isn’t she? I had a dream about her last night. I made her come just by looking at her. You guys aren’t together anymore, right? So is it cool if I– Do not start with me, Marilyn Manson, or we will tussle. You want to tussle with me? Seriously, you wanna tussle? Tussle! – I’ll tussle with you. – Come on, Dad, don’t fight… – I’ll tussle. – With Marilyn Manson. He’s one of my heroes. Hear that, dad? Fucking hero. Okay, okay, well–you– please, let’s just steer this shit back around, all right? Now, I put it to the esteemed panel: Is it possible to make great art without killing yourself? I say, “yes.” Me too! Totally possible. But drugs just make it more fun. I like this chick. Boom. Yeah, I need to urinate and possibly vomit. – Come on. – Here, look… – Okay, so this… – Becca, come on. Look, please, just–just– just stay here and make sure she doesn’t ingest anything. Let’s get the fuck out of here, now. – Listen, listen. – What are you doing? These guys are a fucking mess. She’s gonna get it. Eventually. Just let her–she will. – She’s loving it! – Mom, take a picture. Are you kidding me? – That you, Charlie? – Yep. – What took you so long? – Well–I–you know– I was in the ladies’, sorry. I guess I misunderstood. Well, get on in here. Whoaho! Tricia! Looking good. All right, well. Uh, well I gotta tell you, this is already way better than my last naughty bathroom experience. Don’t call me Tricia. I’m not Tricia right now. I’m Hannah. Okay. Is that like a… Multiple personality thing, or… No, silly, it’s my website. Yeah, Housewife Hannah? You do know it? – Mm, I don’t think so. – Funny. I took you for a big porn guy. – Oh, I am. – Oh. – I–and, oh, is it a pay site? – It sure is. Yeah, that’s what it is. ‘Cause I don’t really like to pay for my porn. It’s–it’s a thing. Okay, shh. Stop talking. I’m gonna need you to film this for me. Film…What, exactly? I’m gonna suck your dick, and you’re gonna film it. Then you’re gonna give me a big messy facial. That’s my thing. That’s what I’m known for, you know? In fact, the messier the better. Just get it all over my glasses and shit. That’s what the fans love. Okay, this is a good shot right there. Oh, oh, oh…You’re gonna want to put this on. – Really? – Yeah. I mean, you probably don’t want to show your face, right? Oh, probably not. Good idea. Yeah, yeah. – But, has anyone else worn– – Put the fucking mask on. – It doesn’t matter, okay, yeah. – Just put the fucking mask on. Chop, chop. Okay, good. – Okay? – Yeah. – Does it look good? – Eh, it’s fine. All right. Okay, you ready? Yeah. All right, let’s do this. Get that cock out. Oh, yeah, that’s a good idea. Yeah, and remember… On my face, okay? – Okay. – You listening? – Yeah. – Okay. Are you listening? Yeah, uh-huh. Okay–oh, oh. Oh, unh. Oh…Oh…Yeah! Ah, oh! Oh, ah. Oh ho-ho-ho. Dude! What the fuck? My God, you just wasted your load. You’re supposed to shoot it on my face. Well you–the whole situation. It’s very exciting. Do you wanna go again? ‘Cause I could do better. No, no, forget it. Just get the fuck out of here, you loser. Give me my mask. Like, now. God. Go! You want to know the secret to a good marriage? Listen to her every once in a while. Is that so fucking hard? Do you still wanna do the playdate? Hey, stud. Oh, dear. I knew you wouldn’t stay away for long. Actually, I’m here with my daughter. I brought her here to teach her about the perils of drug and alcohol abuse. Oh, how’s that working out for you? – Not well. Not well at all. – Mm. Have you had the tour? Oh, I don’t believe I have. – So many rooms. – Mm. So many nooks and crannies. So many places to curl up and get lost. Oh, well, I don’t think I’d wanna get lost. You know? In fact, I should probably get back to the war room before somebody gets pregnant. – Hey. – Yes. Did you know Atticus collects medieval torture devices? No, I did not, but that revelation does not particularly surprise me. Do you know what a breast ripper is, Hank? No, I do not, but it’s pretty self-explanatory, and nasty. It tore to shreds the breasts of women that were convicted of adultery. Why, why? Why ruin a perfectly good breast? That doesn’t make any sense. Oh, you’re sweet. Thank you. Oh, no, no, no. I didn’t mean yours. Oh, you don’t think they’re lovely? Oh, no, they’re killer. You’ve got beautiful cans. It’s just that, it’s inappropriate to talk about another man’s breasts. You–you know what I mean? I’ll decide what’s inappropriate. I am not sure that you should. Touch ‘em. Oh, no, I’m–I’m good. Come on, you don’t want to touch them? All right, maybe just– just one, just… Oh, God, oh. It’s just been so long since I was groped by capable hands. Oh! Karen! Um, just a breast exam. You know, checking for lumps? I think you’re okay. You should be fine. I’ll do the same for you. Anytime, anywhere. You know I will. Yeah. So, Marilyn Manson’s trying to get your daughter and I into a threesome right now. Oh, that’s my cue. Okay, Becca, I get it. I give up. All right, this is way too much fun. If I was your age and this was happening to me, I would tell my parents to fuck off and die too. My father would punch me in the mouth, but that’s another story, so… We’re gonna leave. We’re gonna… What? What? Leave you to have fun with your hero. What the fuck are you talking about? Mom, dad, easy, come on. I’m gonna take care of the girl. Look at this face. Come on. The girl’s gonna be fine. We’re gonna make some s’mores, and tell ghost stories, talk about our favorite serial killers. I’ll have her home by dawn, I swear. Becca, take a picture of me teabagging before he wakes up. No more, Manson. No more balls, Manson. Too many balls. Get off me. – Daddy? – Yes, my boy? – Where did you go today? – Hmm? What do you mean? You were in the bathroom for a very long time. Oh. Oh, yeah. Those chicken fingers gave daddy a bad tummy. I had to make big potty. Good night, mommy. Good night, daddy. I love you. Oh, buddy. Good night, baby. He’s so happy. ‘Cause this is the way it’s supposed to be. He should fall asleep like this every night. Yeah, that’s a nice little fairy tale, Charlie. But it’s not the reality of his life. Maybe it should be. Why can’t we make it so, for him? Because, the people who made him weren’t meant to be together. Are you sure about that? Yeah, I’m pretty sure. I think I have the divorce papers to prove it. Okay, you know what? I’ve made certain mistakes, Marcy. You’ve made certain mistakes. Maybe it’s time we just get past all that already, and start to get real. Yeah, like it’s just that easy. Well, maybe it is. I still love you, Marcy. What? Why are you telling me this? I don’t know. I don’t know. It just came out. Well keep that shit to yourself. I can’t. Because when I feel something, I like to express it. Good for you. But I’m done with you. I’m done with Stu. I’m done with men. Realso, what, you’re into women now? No, you jackass. Gross. Stop it. You’re gonna wake the boy. Okay, this is stupid. I–I can’t stand it. I’m going in! Wait-hold on a minute. It’s gotta be her decision. No-I’m going in. I know her. She’ll be out in a minute. What happens if he has abducted her, and he is selling her into sex trafficking? He’s a rock star, Karen, not a sex trafficker. He could be both. Quick, let’s go! He’s looking for me. He wants me to film him pooping on Atticus. That’s my line. That’s my girl. So, what have we learned today, folks? I think we’ve learned that some things never change. Well, that sounds a bit pointed, lady. What do you mean by that? Everything I learned, I already knew. I know you guys love me. I know you care. I know drugs are good and bad, and dangerous and fun. I know those guys are lunatics. I’m never going to be like that. I’m just trying to figure it out for myself. And I know that’s scary for you guys, but you’re just going to have to trust me. Can you do that? I suppose so. Well, you don’t exactly leave us with much choice. Great. Well, I’m glad we got that settled. I’m gonna hang in my room. Security check. Did you pack your bag yourself, ma’am? Oh, I see. What? – Mm-hmm. – Uh-huh. And…that you can keep. Really? – Good night. – I will make sure this goes directly into police evidence. Nightcap? Recap? No. What? Recap what? Your asinine plan to educate our daughter on the perils of drug abuse? Okay, well maybe my plan didn’t go exactly according to plan, but maybe it did. Maybe I’m a fucking genius. Or maybe we just went up there so you could see her. Who, Natalie? Oh, God. Karen. Why are you shitting where I eat? Well, that’s disgusting. That’s disgusting? What–you–like your hands all over her– Oh, she practically forced me to do it. – Really? – Yes, and who am I to pass up a perfectly pleasant boob grab? She–it was my hostess. It would have been rude for a guest to– are you jealous? No. No, I’m not. I’m pissed. I’m pissed because you’re screwing up the only job I have right now. Karen, the woman is–is practically hurling herself at me. She’s unhappy, I guess. You know, it’s like a freak show over there. Who can blame her? And apparently, I’m a real man. From the real world. Right. So you’re the perfect guy to ease her pain and suffering. It’s not my fault. It’s like I emit this strange kind of homing beacon for these malcontents. You’re amazing. No, no, and I don’t want to have anything to do with her, Karen… Mmhmm. Which makes perfect sense, because the person that I want to have everything to do with wants nothing to do with me. Oh, good. Well, we agree on something. – Good night. – Good night. – Oh, my God. – Mm. Ophelia is gonna be so pissed at me. Ophelia! We have sex for the first time in years… – Mm. – And this is the first thought to cross your mind? Mmhmm. So… How was it for you? – It was okay. – Okay? Well, that’s a– that’s a start, I guess. It was familiar… In a not-entirely unpleasant way. And you lasted almost long enough for mommy to get hers. I know, how cool was that, right? I think it’s because I blew some serious yolk already today. Gross. Where? Here. In the shower. It’s my daily ritual. You remember. So how was the fucking fun zone? Oh, I found it seriously frightening. – Mm-hmm. – There was this one mom– Oh! Tricia. Yeah, how did you know? Because, everybody knows about Tricia. She tries to fuck all the dads. She’s got this website. It’s called “Housewife Hannah.” Wait. Did you do something with her? – Mm? – God. Okay. Here, check this out. Oh, my God. Jesus! Look at that guy. He’s such a fucking tool. Then you’re gonna give me a big messy facial. All over my glasses. Oh, Jesus. I’d know that bent fucking chode anywhere. – Nice. – Ah, oh. Oh, God. Ah! Aah! Daughter. Is that what I think it is? It sure is. Would you mind taking a look? Of course. I’d be honored. Whoa. It’s quite the weighty tome. Words, words, words. Congratulations, sweetie. You know, whether it’s good, bad, or somewhere in between, this is a huge accomplishment. Huge. Why would you assume it’s bad? Spoken like a true writer. Are you okay? Yeah. Just for a moment there, it was… Like everything was all right in the world again. Seemed like old times. I love you, Dad. I love you too, sweetheart. Be careful, okay? I will, Dad. I promise. ♪ From the coast of gold ♪ across the seven seas ♪ I’m traveling on Thanks for a great day today. ♪ Far and wide ♪ but now it seems ♪ I’m just a stranger to myself ♪ ♪ and all the things I sometimes do ♪ ♪ it isn’t me but someone else ♪ too much time on my hands ♪ I’ve got you on my mind

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