Behaving Badly

Behaving BadlyI am so fucked.
I make one stupid bet with
a sociopathic Lithuanian kid
and now my best friend’s in jail,
my dad is a fugitive,
they found a dead body
in my mom’s trunk,
the love of my life thinks
I’m the Antichrist,
and I have crabs.
But most shockingly…
She wouldn’t have gone anywhere.
We’re fully stocked.
Mom? Mom?
Holy… shit.
Is that a letter to her dog?
911. What’s your emergency?
Yes, I’d like to order
an ambulance.
- Location, please?
- 844 Marx Avenue.
Oh, hey, Rick.
Rick? Rick?
I’m selling raffle tickets
to the Policemen’s Ball.
Is your mother home?
Yes, but I think she’s dead.
- Step down, and…
- Got it.
Alright,
everybody, calm down! OK?
This is a crime scene.
Hold up one second.
Let me get a picture
of this real quick.
It’s just a potential homicide.
We better hurry in case
she’s an organ donor.
Don’t make me hurt you.
What is the victim’s name?
Lucy Rebecca Stevens.
- Date of birth?
- Uh, March something.
- Old.
- Old. Education?
My mom’s deep-throating
a breathing tube
and you wanna know
how far in college she got?
Listen, we have a potential
homicide investigation here.
A homicide? How do you explain
the myriad of suicide notes?
- You can’t have those.
- That one’s addressed to me.
- They’re evidence.
- That one’s addressed to me.
Only if you let me
look at it first.
Now keep back.
What does ‘opprobrious’ mean?
It means abusive or malevolent.
Well, you’re opprobrious,
and you’ve been fucking
her best friend.
How did she find out?
If Mom knows, who else?
Billy would be pissed
that I was ploughing his mom,
not to mention how his dad,
her husband,
the ex-college football player
turned Neo-Nazi,
sporting goods salesman
who does a very good business
in shotguns might feel.
More importantly, what
if Nina Pennington finds out?
Enough about me, I wanna see
what this one says.
- Now we’ll hang on to these.
- Yeah, fine, fine.
Until after our investigation
is complete.
Alright.
Oh, uh, about
those raffle tickets?
It was Mrs Bender.
The nut job told her.
Of course, she left out
how it happened.
I had no choice.
It’s kind of…
It’s kind of embarrassing,
but here’s how
the whole thing went down.
I wager $1,000.
Two weeks ago, I wasn’t fucked.
- You know Josh Groban?
- Not even close.
Truth was, I had never had sex
with anyone other than myself,
but this was the year
I was gonna change that.
I had fallen in love and
her name was Nina Pennington.
You forgot to put
the seat down, fag.
It wasn’t me.
It was… It was Mom.
Oh, for the love
of little baby Jesus,
would you close
those goddamn drapes?
Some people’s moms look
at the glass half full.
Other moms look at it
half empty.
Mine looks at it and asks
if you’re gonna finish it.
Mom, did you leave
the toilet seat up?
Sorry?
Where’s your father?
Uh… He moved out again.
Right. Sonofabitch.
You watch, I’m gonna
divorce him this time.
Where were you last night
until 3am, madam?
Uh, feeding the homeless.
- Aww.
- Why do you always believe her?
When I said I was giving blood,
you told me I was full of shit
and grounded me.
You didn’t have any track marks
and watch your fucking mouth.
And I got straight A’s
in school.
And she got straight A’s.
Have you heard from Agent…?
Stanford, and no,
I haven’t heard anything yet,
but it should be any day now.
You’re a stripper, Kristen.
With all the tips you make,
why do you even need a degree?
Because I’m trying
to better myself.
Why can’t you be
more like your sister?
Why would I want to be
a skanky ho?
- Mom, kill him.
- Can I?
OK, so the whole thing
started Saturday…
Joseph Stevens, my sperm donor.
He stayed married to my mom
because he couldn’t afford
a divorce.
If that isn’t love,
I don’t know what is.
- What are you up to, mister?
- Nothing.
- You are grounded.
- No.
Unless you do me
one little favour.
And here I thought you came
for some quality father-son time.
Remember that video camera
I borrowed last week?
Oh, yeah, video camera,
to videotape that sales pitch
with your secretary.
Sales pitch. Oh, yeah, yeah,
sales pitch.
Anyhow, I think
I left a tape in it.
- Your mother didn’t, uh…?
- Mom operate video equipment?
She has a hard enough time
with the doorknob.
- How is your mother?
- Do you honestly care, Joseph?
- Not really, no.
- Steven.
- Joseph wants his tape back.
- Twat.
Thank you.
And, the next time you borrow
the camera for a sales pitch,
try not to leave
any… residue on the tripod.
You are so grounded, mister.
Grounded.
OK, so the whole thing started
on Saturday, April 14.
Unfortunately, this is
pretty much a true story.
The names have not been changed
to protect the innocent,
because, well, everyone in this story
is guilty of something.
Speaking of guilty,
I was running errands
for Jimmy Leach.
He manages the club
where my sister, Kristen, strips.
Yo, pussy!
He also manages to be
a total tool.
I mean, look at that ‘stache.
Gotta be a registered sex offender.
I need you to go find Cherysh.
She’s MIA again.
He didn’t pay shit
but I could think
of worse ways to spend the day.
Are you still fucking here?
‘Bye, Tanya.
Fuck off! Mmm. What day is it?
It’s Saturday.
OK, uh… I will give you
a blow job
if you tell him I had
to get my stomach pumped.
I’m more a grower than a shower.
Well, maybe this will put you
more at ease.
OK, I know this is
kind of bad, but… again.
Again.
Less work for me.
♪ Then I could make it
safe and clean
♪ Doo-doo doo-doo doo-doo
Oh… ♪
Billy, open up, it’s Rick.
Hey, Billy!
Ricky.
Don’t let the attractive exterior
fool you.
She’s dangerous.
Now, I don’t like
to point fingers,
but everything was
pretty much her fault.
Well, except for
the dead people.
- Hi.
- Hi, Mrs Bender.
- How are you?
- Good.
Is Billy home?
Yeah, he’s probably upstairs,
you know…
- OK.
- Hey, stay on the runner!
Hey, Billy, guess what.
Billy Bender – after he flunked
homeschool twice,
the state made his parents
send him to a real school.
Didn’t help.
Oh, Rick, I thought
you were my mom.
Dude, it’s called a lock.
Oh, my god.
Could you pass me a tissue?
Thanks.
No. No.
- Dude, guess what.
- What?
- I kind of got a blow job today.
- Shut up! From who?
- A girl down at the club.
- A stripper?
You better hope
she doesn’t have AIDS.
You really know
how to ruin a moment.
I’m just saying.
I saw this documentary…
Or maybe it was a movie?
Anyway, it was called ‘Rent’,
and everyone in it had AIDS,
and it sucked, Rick.
- The movie or the disease?
- The movie.
You boys are still here.
Billy, I was wondering if you
could go down to the store
and buy Momma some cigarettes.
- Now?
- No, next Thursday.
Now. Go.
There’s money in my purse, OK?
Oh, Ricky, I was wondering
if you could stay and help me
with something in the thing.
He really has come in handy
since he turned 18.
Can’t wait until he turns 21.
So… you had an eventful day.
No more than usual, no.
Billy told me
you got a blow job.
How? I literally just told him.
Well, the point is that I know.
I don’t know
what you’re talking about.
Like, I said,
“Kinda got the blow job.”
Rick, your mom, my best friend,
is going to find out
if you keep gallivanting around
with these… these hookers.
We’re gonna have to come up
with some way to fix this.
Could we just keep it a secret?
Yeah, that’s a good idea.
Good.
OK. Was she good at it,
at least?
Uh… I think so.
It’s just so good that you
came out of your comfort zone.
- It’s, uh…
- Yeah.
It’s very important
to… try new things.
And I just think that if you do,
you need to experience them
in a, uh, safe environment.
Whoa, Mrs Bender.
Are you trying to seduce me?
No. My God, no, no, no, no.
OK, I just thought
that you were…
No, I… I wanna be
your teacher.
Yeah, I’m going to help you
gain much needed experience.
Do you have a girlfriend?
Yes. No. Girlfriend?
Well, one day you will,
and you owe it to her to be ready.
- Sure.
- OK.
Come here.
Mmm. Does that feel good?
It feels good.
It feels really good.
You just raise your hand
if you have any questions.
My God. It’s also really nice
to pay attention to the girls.
- To the what?
- The girls.
Yeah. Gentle.
Mmm… that’s nice.
Mmm. I like that.
- Uh, Mrs Bender?
- Mm-hm?
I can’t breathe.
Oh, it’s OK, I’ll breathe
for both of us.
Sometimes you look
at your life and say,
“I’m doing the best I can.”
Other times, you have to
look at your life and say,
“I just fucked
my best friend’s mom.”
But as I lay here the morning
after losing my virginity,
all I could think about was what
everyone would say if they knew.
You devil’s spawn.
Nice one, son.
I want to see photos.
Does her pussy
taste like Seagram’s?
No, I mean, it makes sense.
I mean, you guys hang out,
like, all the ti…
Oh, my God, his mom?
Jesus fucking Christ!
You’re a mother-fucker,
Rick Stevens.
I will never be your girlfriend.
Nina can’t find out.
I’m gonna ask
Nina Pennington out.
Right – you’ve had a boner
for her since the sixth grade.
She still doesn’t even
know you exist.
Now’s a good time
to change that.
Doesn’t change the fact
she’s still dating Kevin Carpenter.
- Well, hello, gentlemen.
- Holy shit!
OK, I should probably stop
for a second
and give you the down-low
on Junior Dahmer here.
Aw, fuck it.
- Hey, Karlis.
- So Nina Pennington, huh?
She is pretty, isn’t she?
Don’t you think you’re setting
your sights a bit high there?
No. I mean, why not?
I’m not missing a toe or anything.
I like your bravado.
It’s cute.
Tell you what, what say I make things
a bit more interesting.
- Huh! Yeah, sure.
- Good.
I wager $1,000
that you will not be able
to sign, seal and deliver
Nina Pennington.
Nobody’s delivering
Nina Pennington.
- Sure I can.
- Fine.
- Fine.
- By Arbor Day.
Thanks for that unsolicited
stipulation, Billy.
So, two weeks.
Is that a problem?
Nope.
Shake it, Rick.
It’s creeping me out.
Oh, shit.
You made a bet
with a mobster’s son.
Uh, a freshman
just got hit by a bus.
- Oh, whoa.
- Again? Cool.
Goddamn it. 1,000 bucks.
I’m a dead man.
- What the fuck?
- Relax.
- You’re having a holy vision.
- Who are you?
Saint Lola’s the name.
I’m the patron saint of teenagers.
Don’t bother looking me up
in the book of saints -
I’m unlisted.
A saint? What are you doing
in the boys’ bathroom?
Old habits die hard.
You kind of look like my mother,
except with a camel toe.
I get that a lot.
Wait a minute,
am I being punked?
You’re being poped.
I’m here to help.
You’re gonna help me score
with Nina Pennington?
It’s not quite that easy.
The things we wish for
are rarely the things
we need, Rick.
So you’re not gonna grant
my wish.
I’m not a fucking genie.
I’m a saint.
I’m here to make the path
a little clearer,
so you can make
the right choices.
What the fuck?
Look for the signs.
Attention, students -
this week’s Drama Club
production of ‘Pippin’
has been cancelled.
Kevin Carpenter,
the biggest fucking asshole
in the world,
and Nina Pennington’s
current boyfriend.
We had every reason to hate him
after what happened last spring.
Billy passed out
at Greg Drubin’s party
and woke up the next morning
with a condom up his ass
and fear in his eye.
Kevin waited a week to tell him
that it was a broom handle
that took his butt cherry.
We are through.
Bitch!
A sign. Saint Lola was right.
- Wait. Saint who?
- It’s a sign from God.
God wants me to be with
Nina Pennington,
in every possible position.
I’ve graded your exams
and will be returning them
to you at the end of class.
However, I doubt
if you’ll want them.
Miss Pennington got the only A.
- Yes, was it an A-plus?
- No.
And now who amongst us
can conjugate the verb ‘vivo’?
What’s a verb?
- Mr Stevens.
- Ah…
Ah, OK, the conjugation of vivo.
Uh, I believe that would be
‘vi’, ‘vive’, V-V-V…
Well, that was viv-awful.
The correct conjugation
of the verb ‘vivo’ is…
Strike one.
…vivo, vivere, vixi…
Victum…
Principal Poole cancelled
classes that afternoon
so we could each mourn Mr Apgar
in our own way.
- Perfect timing.
- Huh?
Attention, all students.
All girls basketball players…
- Hi.
- Hi.
Hi, I’m Rick Stevens from…
The slow kid from Latin class,
I know.
Uh, yeah.
Congratulations on the A.
Thank you. Hopefully
I’ll do better next time.
I was just wondering
if you needed a ride
to Mr Apgar’s funeral.
- You’re going?
- He was like a father to me.
I’m deep in grief and shit
right now.
Who said that you could talk
to my girlfriend, douche bag?
I’m not your girlfriend, Kevin.
We always get back together.
- You know that.
- Not this time.
Rick was just asking
if I would accompany him
to Mr Apgar’s funeral,
and I said yes.
Really? Well, a funeral is
a perfect place for you to be.
‘Cause you’re a dead man.
- Kevin…
- Fuck!
So is that a yes?
What? What?
What? Nothing. Nothing.
OK. ‘Bye.
I’m in.
You’re dead.
I wasn’t dead, not yet,
but our first date was at a funeral.
In retrospect, that might not
have been one of my best ideas.
That was a lovely service.
Is it just me or did
he look more alive dead?
♪ From a higher window… ♪
- Ew.
- I love this song.
Me too.
My parents don’t like me
listening
to a lot of pop stations,
due to all the satanic lyrics.
But Mindy has a CD. When I go
to her house, I listen to it.
I think he’s so dreamy.
And before I could stop myself…
When he’s in town,
I go to his concert
and hang with him backstage.
Wait, you know Josh Groban?
Yeah, we’re pretty tight.
Then you must be going
to his show tomorrow night.
Yes, of course. Ha! Yeah.
I’d love to take you,
but I know your parents
wouldn’t let you go, so…
Actually, my parents went to Omaha
for the world premiere
of ‘Christ on Ice’,
starring Johnny Weir,
and they’re gone till Monday,
so they’d never know.
Great. Great.
- Strike two.
- This is so sensational.
Uh-huh.
I mean, it would really help me
take my mind off things,
you know?
- Nina, are you alright?
- Your mom’s gonna kill you.
You better get
their insurance information.
Oh, Rick. I’m stuck.
What the fuck, dude?
Hey! Seriously?
♪ I said bitch I’mma fuck you up
♪ Get the fuck out my face
♪ I’mma show you
what the deal is
♪ Bitch, mother-fucker… ♪
This totally reminds me of
a German porno I downloaded.
Father Krumins?
Richard. Oh, I am so sorry
about this slight mishap.
Shouldn’t we call the police?
Miss Pennington,
please thank your mother again
for hosting such a splendid
bingo night last week.
I mean, her devilled eggs
were absolutely sinful.
Shouldn’t we call the police?
I don’t think that’s necessary.
I mean, if you don’t mind,
I’d rather not report it.
I’d hate for both our premiums
to go up.
Plus, these sisters
have taken a vow of silence,
so the fewer the questions
to answer the better.
Don’t worry, the archdiocese
will take care of everything.
Peace out. Sisters?
Better hurry.
Should we call
the police? Pfft.
We pay you good money
to run this place.
That is the best you can do?
They look like they have
full-blown hepatitis.
It’s the morning shift.
I mean, I’m working on putting
a breakfast buffet in here
that will blow
your fucking mind, Vitolda.
I’m talking about eggs and bacon,
whipped cream,
sausage and a lap dance,
all in, $12.99.
You girls suck!
How many times have I told you,
you won’t draw a crowd
if you don’t draw a bath.
You make me sick.
Get in the shower. You, you’re fired!
- I don’t work here. – Wanna go out
for some Korean barbecue?
Ugh, oh, God.
Cops have been on our ass,
so business has been down.
That means receipts here
better go up, Jimbo,
or you’re gonna be out of a job.
And probably a leg.
Jimmy? Hey, Jimmy. Jimmy,
I need to ask you a favour.
- Jimmy.
- Fuck off, will you?
I need to talk to your friend
at the Paramount.
- For what?
- I need backstage passes.
For Josh Groban’s
concert tomorrow.
Well, I really need Britney
Spears to lick my balls.
No, wait, that wasn’t it.
Well, I need J. Lo to stick
her finger up my ass.
No, that was my dad.
You know what I need?
I need my poop chute bleached.
- That’s it.
- What? Look, I’ll do anything.
Anything?
Seems Jimmy had a date too,
and he needed some ecstasy.
The dealer was running
a buy-20, get-5-free sale,
so I pocketed the extra pills.
I don’t want you getting
the wrong idea about me,
but nowhere in the Bible
does it say,
“Thou shalt not take ecstasy.”
That’s true.
With Lucy’s car being fixed
by the archdiocese,
I needed wheels to get
to Josh Groban’s show.
I can’t believe
I just said that.
Mmm. Mmm.
Mrs Bender, I’m gonna need
to ask you a favour.
Anything. Anything at all.
I’m gonna need to borrow
your car.
My car? Where are we going?
I have to follow my dad
to catch him
with his mistress
for my mom’s lawyer.
Only I can’t have
my mom find out,
because she’s liable
to do something violent.
- You know how she is.
- Oh, yeah.
Sure, that’s very sweet of you.
Yeah?
Thanks, I really appreciate it.
You want to show me
how much you appreciate it?
Well, I’d better be going.
If you want the car…
Meow.
Jesus, you scared
the hell out of me.
That’s the idea.
What are you doing here?
If it’s about the ecstasy…
Relax, nowhere
in the Bible does it say,
“Thou shalt not take ecstasy.”
- I’m more concerned with lying.
- But I really needed the car.
The betting, the adultery,
the not honouring
thy mother and father.
OK, I get it. I get it.
You’re in quite the pickle,
aren’t you?
On the one hand,
if you do manage
to get Nina to succumb
to your advances,
you’ll have to deal
with her delusional ex
with the rage issues.
On the other hand,
if she spurns you,
well, do you even have
1,000 bucks?
You’re not helping me here.
Shouldn’t you be telling me
how I should win her heart?
Things are never
that easy, Rick.
Don’t rush where you’re going.
Otherwise you may never arrive.
Oh, and one more thing.
I know, the stealing.
I’m going to Ibiza on holiday,
so you’re on your own
for a while.
Don’t screw it up. Oh, and
look out for the Lithuanians.
- I’m redecorating.
- I can see that.
It’s better, huh? More cheery.
- Yeah, sure.
- Oh, where’s my car?
Uh, Steven has it.
As long as your asshole father
doesn’t.
- You watch, this time…
- You’re gonna divorce him?
You betcha I am. Fat fuck.
Mrs Bender? Mrs Bender?
Oh… Uh, hey, Mr Bender.
I’m getting ready to go hunting.
- Nice.
- Was he on to me?
Did he know
I was screwing his wife
on their new Scotchgarded sofa?
Oh, yeah.
Hey, I thought maybe Billy
could come along.
- No.
- You know, keep you company.
And he’ll bring his new camera.
It’s gonna be boring waiting
for them to leave the apartment.
Well, Billy’s used to boring.
- OK, have fun.
- ‘Bye, Momma.
Hey, did you hear about
the new Latin teacher?
He got killed in a wreck
on the I-40.
- There’s a reason they call
Latin the dead language. – Huh?
Oh, by the way, we’re not going
to Joseph’s den of debauchery.
Well, then where are we going?
We’re gonna go pick up Nina
and grab some backstage passes.
I’ve got a date with destiny.
As long as we don’t drive
on the I-40.
This is the place.
Turn here.
He said 8:30.
We’re just a few minutes early.
I can’t believe
I’m about to meet Josh.
I mean, this is the most
exciting thing I’ve ever done.
I met David Spade once.
Well, if it wasn’t him,
it looked just like him.
So… what are your plans
after graduation?
I don’t really have any
at the moment.
That doesn’t sound very wise.
Oh, you meant plans? Like…
Oh, yeah, I have a lot of those.
How about you,
you have any plans?
Oh, I’m gonna become a priest.
I definitely have a calling.
- And I’d call you out.
- What does that mean?
Nothing, it doesn’t mean
anything.
Hey, wait a second.
I thought girls could only be nuns.
- Only ugly girls are nuns.
- That’s not true.
Yeah, that’s not true, Billy.
Shut up.
Don’t mind Billy.
He’s… missing a chromosome.
So this priest thing,
that’s great.
You sure you wouldn’t rather
just be
on ‘American Idol’ or something?
It’s 8:30.
A priest?
That means
that she can’t ever…
- I know, Billy.
- You just kicked my mom’s car.
- Is everything OK?
- Yup, we’re great.
What if she sees that dent?
She’s gonna kill me.
She won’t kill you
if I don’t bring you home alive.
Rick!
She’s gonna be so angry at me.
Billy, shut up. Here it is.
Jimmy, open up.
Where the fuck is my shit?
Here. My backstage passes.
You want your backstage passes,
you’re gonna have to take
a good, long, hard look
at the ass, Cleaver.
- What?
- Jimmy Junior.
Do it, son.
Then you’ll give me
my backstage passes?
Look at him, be a man.
Look at Ricardo.
The vomiting cobra.
The meat monkey.
- Do it, take a look.
- OK.
Now you’re a man.
Can I have
my backstage passes now?
Let me grab those for you.
Oh, by the way,
go fuck yourself!
That douche bag.
Now what am I gonna do?
Dude, did you see his balls?
Guys, come on. We don’t
want to keep Josh waiting.
- OK.
- Come on, come on.
Hey, Rick,
isn’t that your dad’s car?
Oh, shit, I think you’re right.
- Whose car?
- What’s he doing here?
Fuck me!
Take that. Ride me.
Oh, Joseph.
Do me doggy style!
That’s Rick’s dad.
And your… mom?
- Your pussy’s so tight.
- Doubtful.
I think this is what my parents
were trying to shelter me from.
Are you ready for your turnkey?
- Those are both our dads.
- Yeah, I’m pretty positive.
I think I’m gonna throw up.
Oh, God.
I think I have an idea.
Fuck me! Fuck me!
Vice squad.
Oh, shit.
Leave the dildo! Let’s go! Let’s go!
Oh, my God, go! Hurry.
I’m getting
in the car, don’t yell at me!
Hurry up, let’s go!
Pamela’s gonna
kill me! Oh, shit! Oh, shit!
- Billy?
- Richard?
- Shit! Shit!
- You stay, mister!
Nina! Nina, come here,
let’s go!
- You stay right there, mister!
- You are so grounded!
- It was Rick’s idea.
- What?
So… what’s your name?
Nina.
Nina? That’s a pretty name
for a… pretty girl.
Can I get you something, honey?
Tea? Soup? An HIV test?
These are brand-new Dockers.
You know I puke
when I’m nervous.
What are we gonna do here? Hm?
I didn’t know anyone could run
that fast wearing a harness.
Alright, cut the crap.
Excuse my French.
How much do you want?
As I see it -
correct me if I’m wrong -
you’d like us to forget
you were here.
We’d also like to forget
we were here.
The only thing
that’s preventing us
from falling into a state
of total amnesia
is this little dent problem
we have.
- Now, if that just…
- …went away,
we could forget everything.
- How you suppose we do that?
- Yeah.
You’ll say you ran
into Mrs Bender’s car
on the street outside
your apartment.
Why would his wife believe
her car was outside my apartment?
You’ll have to trust me
on this one.
- Alright… deal.
- Deal.
You sure you’re OK with Billy
and Mr Bender taking you home?
Totally. Your dad kind of
creeps me out. No offence.
None taken.
Are you gonna be OK, though?
I don’t know what I would do
if I found my dad in a motel
with our neighbour
and an underage hooker.
Yeah, it’s not the first time.
I’m just…
I’m sorry we missed the concert.
It’s OK. Actually, I had fun.
You did?
- Oddly enough, yeah.
- Really?
Well, I guess we’ll have to
do it again sometime.
I’d like that.
Me too.
I know where you,
Billy, Mr Bender,
and your sonofabitch father
were last night.
- Don’t even try to deny it.
- Well…
I had a detective follow
your father.
Not only were he
and Keith Bender at a motel
with some crack whore,
you and Billy were there
with some slut of your own.
What is it with the men
in this family?
You’re such miserable fucks,
you gotta bring in
the neighbours
to pinch-hit for you?
Where is your father anyway?
I called to scream at him,
he wasn’t there.
He is on a business trip.
Lithuania.
Figures he wouldn’t
be here to face the music.
When I get back,
I’m gonna hire a lawyer.
Just you wait and see.
Where are you going?
What do you mean,
where am I going?
- It’s April.
- Rehab never works for you.
I think you’ve developed
an immunity.
It always works for me,
until I come home to my family.
Mom, really? Come on.
- What?
- Vodka? Nice.
Arriving at rehab sober
is like showing up
to a tennis lesson
without a racquet.
There’s my cab.
Don’t sell the house this time.
- Ricky! Yoo-hoo!
- Oh, shit!
Can I speak with you
for a moment?
Yeah, you.
- Richard.
- Father Krumins.
Well, thanks again, Mrs Bender,
for opening your lovely home
to this week’s bingo game.
Oh, not at all, Father.
Hopefully, next time Lois Enlow
won’t get her prosthetic arm
stuck in the garbage disposal.
Took Keith four hours
to get that thing out.
- God bless you.
- Thanks. OK, yeah.
I spoke with your mother
this morning.
What were you doing with
that little slut yesterday?
- Which slut?
- How many sluts were you with?
One. None.
Nina’s not a slut,
she’s a friend from school.
I feel like you don’t
really care about me.
- Sorry?
- Can I ask you a question?
- OK.
- Do you want to fuck me?
Uh, Mrs Bender, I have school.
Skip homeroom. Come on,
I’ll write you a note. Let’s go!
- Argh!
- Hello.
Hey, Karlis, what’s up?
Less than a week before Arbor Day.
How’s that going?
Good. I probably won’t even
need that long.
Hey, how do you like
your pinkies?
How do I like my pinkies?
I mean the way
they currently are.
Yeah, I like my… pinkies.
You better be right.
A reminder, students,
this year’s prom
has been cancelled.
Hey, you missed homeroom.
Where were you?
I was fucking your mother
up the ass.
- What?
- Kidding. I overslept.
Hey, Billy. Hi, Rick.
Everyone, this is Sister Marie
Therese Francine Dubois.
She will be filling in
for the late Mr Apgar,
and the late Mr Marquart,
who died so tragically on I-40.
Sister is a Carmelite nun.
She’s taken a vow of silence.
However, given our urgent need,
Father Krumins
has gracefully granted
the sister special dispensation
for her to speak during class,
so she won’t go to hell.
Sister.
I am very happy
to be teaching you.
My name is Sister Marie
Therese Francine Dubois.
Since there isn’t time
to get through what I want,
I will not have time
to take any quest…
- Hm.
- She died.
No, she’s… just sleeping.
Bet you five bucks she wakes
in less than a minute
without anyone saying anything.
OK, you’re on.
Come on. Come on.
30 seconds.
45 seconds.
55 seconds.
- Yes!
- Conquest of Gaul.
The forces of civilisation over
the barbarians in ipso facto…
Oh! Alright, double or nothing.
Count me out.
What? What do you want?
Are we gonna get
the rest of the day off
like we did for Mr Apgar?
I for one clearly feel
traumatised again.
Yeah, and besides,
we got totally gypped
when his replacement
bit it on the I-40.
Mr Marquart
never even taught a class!
Fine! You know,
it’s your education.
I don’t give a shit,
but after today,
I am going to draw up
an official school policy
on faculty fatalities.
Mr Stevens and Mr Bender,
I’d like to see you in my office.
- ‘Bye.
- I don’t feel so good, Rick.
Kevin Carpenter
brought to my attention
that you bet on whether
or not the nun was dead.
Kevin Carpenter is a dick.
- We bet on when she would wake.
- Billy!
You admit to gambling
on school grounds.
Well, this should be good
for a nice, long suspension.
I’ve been waiting
to take you two clowns down.
There’s a parent here
to speak to you
about that thing that happened,
that one time
over by that place.
Right now?
I’ll be right back.
- I think I’m gonna be sick.
- Swallow it, Billy.
- What are you doing?
- Check this out.
Poole took this from me
last year.
What’s this?
Holy shit.
These are pictures
from the girls’ locker room.
This is one of Nina.
What are you doing, Mr Stevens?
I’m just, uh, getting out
of suspension.
- What is that?
- 10 to 20 would be my guess.
I’ve never seen those pictures
before in my life.
Who said anything
about pictures?
Well, I didn’t take them.
And, I mean, who’s to say
how long they’ve actually been
in there?
Could have been years.
This one looks an awful lot
like Emily Tolls,
and she’s currently a junior.
Hey, how about I forget
all about today’s
little gambling indiscretion?
How about you forget
that we even exist
until the end
of the school year.
Rick and Billy who?
Stevens and Bender. Ow.
I’m gonna kill Carpenter.
If you don’t stop chasing after Nina,
he’s gonna kill you.
Yeah, but if I do stop,
then Malinauskas is gonna kill me,
because I can’t pay him
1,000 bucks.
Well, at least you got
that smoking hot picture of Nina.
I haven’t even seen it yet,
and I already popped a chub.
I’m gonna burn it
when I get home.
Burn it? Why?
It doesn’t feel right
being able to see her
when she doesn’t even know it.
What?
Besides, I’ll be getting
the real thing soon enough.
Hey! What did Principal Poole
want to talk to you about?
Uh, he wanted our help
in drawing up the new school
policy on faculty fatalities.
Wait! What are you two
cornholers still doing here?
And because I figured
he could do better than that…
What are you fucktards
still doing here?
What are you fudge packers
still doing here?
Ah, who am I kidding?
He’s borderline Cro-Magnon.
I thought Poole
suspended your asses.
For your information, they were
helping amend school policy.
And they were getting ready
to walk me home.
I’m coming for you.
- Oh!
- Butt sniffer.
Dick.
That poor nun.
I’ll have to get better
at the whole tears thing
if I wanna be a priest.
So this, uh, this priest thing,
is it just for the
get-into-heaven-free card?
No, silly.
I like helping people.
That’s why I’m a candy-striper
at County General too.
I dunno, everybody could use
a little help from time to time.
You’re hot. You don’t
have to help people.
Well, somebody has to.
We all don’t have
our own personal saints.
Besides, I want to be the first.
Like Hillary Clinton,
or Amelia Earhart.
Sally Ride.
I don’t know,
I want to be special.
I think you already are special.
Well, thanks for walking me
home.
Anytime. I, uh…
I really like… spending time
with you.
- See you tomorrow.
- OK.
There’s hope for me yet.
- Hey, Steven.
- Playing hooky, pussies?
Steven, you don’t happen to know
how to say anything
in Latin, do you?
- Huh?
- Saved by his own stupidity.
Some dude called for you.
Something about a car.
Funny way to spell ‘auto’.
- Yes?
- Mantas Bartuska?
It’s Rick Stevens.
Oh, it’s gonna take another week
before I fix your mother’s car.
I want to know what wheels
would you like for a loan?
Loaner?
Father Krumins told me to
get you whatever car you want.
- Father Krumins? Anything?
- Anything.
Uh, well, my favourite
is an Aston Martin.
It will be there
within the hour.
They’re loaning me
an Aston Martin.
Oh, my god! Oh, my god!
I got accepted to Stanford!
That’s amazing.
You’re gonna move out.
Yeah!
What?
Get a hard-on, break your dick
in half and fuck yourself.
- Two great things in a row.
- Wait, who’s Aston Martin?
Knock yourself out.
Whoa!
♪ I found my beat
It’s in your sound… ♪
When Nina sees you in this car,
she’s gonna be all over you.
♪ I’ll curse the crowd… ♪
Hey, can we get Slurpees?
Yeah.
- Really?
- No.
♪ We’ve been living
with the lights out
♪ Been moving in the night… ♪
So, uh, do you have
any plans tonight?
Um, yeah, after Meals on Wheels,
I’m gonna go down to the shelter
and play with some
stray animals – why?
Oh, uh… no reason.
Do you have enough room
back there?
- Well, I… Not really.
- Yeah, he’s fine.
Don’t worry about him.
What the…?
Pull over to
the right side of the road.
- Why are they pulling us over?
- I don’t know.
But I bet it’s fine.
Don’t worry about it.
Are you aware this car is
registered to Mantas Bartuska?
He’s only one of the most
notorious Lithuanian mafiosos
in the entire
three-county region.
- This is a mobster’s car?
- No, it was a loaner.
He’s having my mom’s car fixed.
Having the mafia fix
your mother’s car?
- You are?
- No, no.
You remember, Father Krumins
hit me, you were there.
He sent me to Mr Bartuska
to have my car fixed, so…
Wait, wait, wait,
the Catholic Church
sent you to the Malinauskas
family’s chop shop
to get your car fixed?
Oh, my god.
Mr Stevens, I have a question
I need you to answer.
How did Mantas Bartuska’s body
end up in the trunk
of your mother’s car?
What? I… I didn’t even know
that Mantas Bartuska was dead.
I know nothing about this.
We nabbed you driving
his Aston Martin.
Explain that to me, please.
- Am I a suspect?
- Big time.
Normally, I wouldn’t care about
the lowlife that got shot,
but Mr Bartuska was ready
to strike a plea deal
to give us the name of the head
of the Lithuanian mafia.
This guy, he’s so elusive
and so secretive,
we don’t even know his name.
But Bartuska had his name,
and was gonna give it to me
until this happened.
I don’t know what
your real involvement here is,
but I know you’re guilty
of something.
I don’t…
I don’t know anything.
- Don’t interrupt me!
- I…
Yeah.
Miss Stratton-Osbourne
is here for Rick.
- Dadgummit! Show her in!
- Who?
I’ve been retained
to represent Mr Stevens.
If you don’t mind, I’d like
a moment alone with my client.
Cigarette?
I’m 17.
I guess you’re wondering
why I’m here.
Father Krumins
has a favour to ask you.
Father Krumins
has a favour to ask me?
He requests that you refrain
from mentioning
that the church is the one
that referred you to Mr Bartuska.
- But I already did.
- Oh.
Well, tell them
you were kidding.
- The church wants me to lie?
- Yes.
- Do you wanna get out of here?
- Yes.
I’ve been doing some research.
Is it true your dad
is on business in Vilnius?
Uh, I think so.
Do what I say, I’ll have you
out of here within the hour.
Are you sure you can get me off?
Kid, I’ve gotten off more guys
than I care to remember.
How did you get
the Aston Martin?
What Aston Martin?
If you don’t tell me
how you got the car,
I’m gonna put you in prison
with an inmate
who will eat your genitals off
while you’re sleeping.
Tell him the truth,
just like we practised.
Mr Bartuska gave it to me.
Why would Big Barty give you
a brand-new Aston Martin?
He said that it was a gift
in honour of my father.
What did your father do to earn
such a gift from a mobster?
Well, it’s definitely not because
he’s a kingpin
in the Lithuanian mafia.
Expect me to believe that
this loser’s father is in the mob?
Draw your own conclusions,
but given the alternative is
that the mob hired this kid…
I mean, look at him -
I think you’ll see
it makes sense
to look into the father.
Do you have any evidence
to back this up?
Well, my father is currently
on business… in Lithuania.
Check his credit card records.
You’ll see he’s telling
the truth.
Ho! Hah!
Well, you and your client
can leave now,
and I’m gonna make some
phone calls… right here.
And if I don’t like the answers
I’m getting,
I’m gonna come see you -
I know where you live.
Nice work -
by the time those yokels
get through chasing that line
of bullshit about your father,
this whole incident
will be long forgotten.
Oh, and by the way,
I got your car out of impound.
You can keep it until
your mom’s car gets fixed.
You want to give me a ride home
in your new wheels?
Why does it smell like puke
in here?
If I get a speeding ticket,
you can get me out of it, right?
It’s a piece of cake.
Oh, can I take a few of these?
I get these tension headaches.
Wait, no, those are ecs…
Those are expired.
Ohhh! Oooh!
Oh, turn here.
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
Ohh! I love it!
Just touch my hand.
Oh, my God, that feels so good.
Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God!
- Ah.
You’re just the nicest guy
I’ve ever met.
Do you know you’re pure,
like a baby, innocent puppy.
Like an angel dog,
like a little sweet puppy angel
coming from the heavens
to save the world.
Do you want to come in
and listen to some trance music?
Don’t do it, Rick.
You’re this close to
my promised land.
No, we’re here, get out.
When I was a kid,
I wished for big boobs.
- And then I got them.
- Oh, that’s great.
- Isn’t that cool?
- That’s great, thank you.
You want to come in
for some tequila?
‘Bye! No! Nope.
Thank you, though. ‘Bye!
Where the hell have you been?
Just undergoing interrogation
downtown about my mob ties.
Hilarious.
Hi, Cherysh.
Hello.
So you’ve opened a brothel.
Remember the rules -
they can touch you,
but you can’t touch them.
It’s perfect. See,
they do it every night anyway.
And this way we make money,
which will be more than enough
to pay Karlis.
So you’re already giving up?
No, I just…
I want to cover all my bases,
just in case Nina and I decide
to take it slow.
Oh. OK.
Have they had their shots?
Who cares? We’re opening
a strip club, not a vet’s office.
They’re on the pillows, Rick.
♪ Money don’t get
everything, it’s true
♪ What it don’t get I can’t use
♪ I want money… ♪
Hey, Kristen, we should throw a party
to celebrate you leaving.
I mean, you getting into Stanford.
- Yay! Party!
- Exactly.
I can smell her cooter
from here.
What the hell are you up to?
Nothing. Steven can invite
all his muscle freaks from the gym.
I guess we could raid
Mom’s secret alcohol stash.
Oh, her brain would explode.
We’d be helping with
her road to recovery.
I’m only thinking of her.
Pfft! Steven!
Is this gonna work?
You don’t think your sister
is gonna be pissed
that you gave her children’s chewables
instead of ecstasy?
She’ll be way too wasted
to notice.
Besides, she said she’d only do it
if we gave her 10 pills
and I only have two left.
They even fucked with her land.
She’s gonna go fucking crazy.
We need to get them
to start mingling
or I’m never gonna make
1,000 bucks.
Hi, everyone.
Billy tells me
you guys are having a party.
That sounds like a lot of fun.
Am I invited?
As long as you don’t tell Mom.
Tell her what?
And, uh, honey?
I owe you a bottle of Tylenol.
I took the last two.
- Drinks?
- Oh, yeah.
It’s a strip club, Billy.
You don’t invite your mother.
Mrs Bender?
Mrs Bender.
- I’m not wearing any panties.
- Uhhh.
Mrs Bender, Billy and everyone
are in the other room.
- Oh! I like you so much! Whoo!
- Mrs Bender, Mrs Bender.
- Oh, you’re so sexy.
- No, no, no.
Whoo!
Shh! Be quiet. Everybody’s
in the other room. OK? Billy…
Shhh!
Whoo, yeah!
Oh, this feels kind of good.
Oh, it feels really good.
Oh! Ohhh!
Oh, I love this dishwasher.
Yeah!
Oh! Mr Bender is pulling up.
- Fuck him.
- Great idea. Why don’t you?
- I want you.
- Oh, no. No.
I want you so bad.
I do, I do.
Ah! This is what
I’m talking about.
No, no, no.
This could be good.
It’s gonna be good.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh!
This is so disturbing.
Oh, Ricky! Oh! Ricky!
What the…?
From the look on Billy’s face,
he had apparently never seen
his mother masturbating
on the kitchen floor before.
What are you doing to my mom?
- Ricky!
- Nothing!
I wasn’t doing it.
She was doing it by herself.
She was just…
she was just…
I feel so good!
OK. OK.
- Momma?
- So happy to see you.
She’s acting kind of weird,
Rick.
Hell, no, that’s a mean thing
to say about your mom.
Can you put her in Lucy’s room?
And let her lie down.
She’s just, you know…
Will you come? Please?
She hasn’t bitten me since
I was 10. That’s kind of weird.
I love you. I love you so much.
I love you too, Momma.
Here, here…
- I love Tylenol.
- No, no, no.
- I’m fucking busy here!
- Jimmy, it’s Rick.
I need your advice on something
drug-related.
- Shoot.
- This chick downed two E tabs.
Now she doesn’t look so good.
Is she gonna be OK?
- Is she hot?
- Uh, yeah.
What does that
have to do with anything?
Why are you asking me that?
- I’ll be right over.
- OK, thank God.
You got any lube?
Thank you. Come again.
Not on the furniture.
- Where’s the bitch at?
- Oh.
It’s Billy’s mom.
Are you sure you can help?
Trust me, I used to be a doctor.
What the fuck
is going on in here?
Oh…
- You know Kristen?
- I will totally not gag.
Rick?
Hey, Nina, what brings you by?
Hey, I was just wondering
if everything worked out
with the car.
Yeah, it was all
just a crazy mix-up.
Well, good. I, um…
I was worried about you.
You were worried about me?
Why are all these girls naked?
Yeah, it’s weird,
right? I don’t know.
Put THAT in my ass!
Maybe we should go somewhere
more quiet to talk, please?
When I pee… it burns.
- Where’s Nina, dick breath?
- Uh, this is a private club.
Tell me where Nina is
or I’m calling the cops,
’cause I doubt that
this neighbourhood
is zoned for a strip club.
How about I give you 50% off
a lap dance?
How about I shove another
broomstick up your ass?
How about I give you
a free lap dance?
I’ll take that blonde
over there.
She looks like a dick wrecker.
But after I come,
I’m coming for you,
and you better tell me
where Nina is.
- Freak!
- Oh! Dick.
I’ve never been to a party
like this before.
Yeah, me, neither.
They’re Kristen’s friends, really.
- It’s kind of fun.
- Yeah?
Well, I guess, uh, life in my family
is just nonstop fun.
So are your parents ever around?
Rehab always evicts my mom
when her insurance runs out,
and my dad eventually
wants something,
so… he comes around.
My parents are always away too.
Chasing the latest shrine
or Virgin spotting.
They’ve been at it ever since
my little sister died.
Oh, I didn’t know. I’m sorry.
Oh, no, it’s… My parents
like to keep it quiet.
I go along with it
because I know
at the end of the day,
our parents are just as scared
and confused as we are
about everything.
Yeah, I never really thought
about mine like that.
Maybe you should.
Here, give me your hand.
- What?
- Hmm.
Hold still.
What are you drawing?
You’ll see.
That’s the Tau Cross.
It’s the symbol of
Saint Francis of Assisi,
the patron of families.
Maybe it’ll give you
better luck with yours.
You’re really amazing,
you know that?
Here’s a rock.
Thank you.
It actually fell from the sky,
so it’s kind of like
your own personal star.
And you can…
…you can make as many wishes
as you want.
You know,
you’re not so bad yourself.
Thank you.
Hmmm!
Hi, Ricky.
Hello, gorgeous.
Oh, I’m so happy
you came to see me.
Doctor’s in the house.
Oh, fun, role playing.
I’m your new gynaecologist.
I like it. I like to role play.
I’m here to check your ovaries.
Oh, you’re not Ricky!
Just breathe.
Ohhhh!
Yeah, you like that?
Squeeze ‘em!
Squeeze ‘em tighter.
- Mmm! Mmm!
- Harder! Harder!
Squeeze ‘em hard.
Like they’re small… Filipino children.
Squeeze ‘em! Yeah.
You pervert!
Which one of you
is Rick Stevens?
♪ But if it wasn’t for
your misfortune… ♪
- It’s like a ‘T’.
- A ‘T’?
It happens to be
my favourite letter.
That’s good.
What is going on in here,
you slutty, slutty little bitch?
- Uh, nothing, Mrs Stevens.
- She’s not my mother.
She knew that.
I was waiting for you.
You never came.
- She’s very pretty.
- She’s obviously on drugs.
Which one of you
is Rick Stevens?
What is this bullshit I’ve been
hearing through the grapevine
about you claiming you’re
the top crime family in town?
- You’re in a crime family?
- You’re in a crime family?
And what do you think
you’re doing
operating a strip joint
on our territory?
- Your territory? Who are you?
- The Malinauskas family.
Shit. Malinauskas.
Like any respectable
organisation,
we have our ears
in the police force.
And they tell us
there’s this Joseph Stevens
trying to hedge in on
our business.
The problem is
I never even heard of him.
So you know what I think?
I think you’re nobody at all.
He’s nobody.
You’re right. I’m a nobody.
And, uh, my father
is really a nobody.
And Mantas Bartuska
wasn’t found shot to death
in my mother’s trunk.
You’re saying
your father made big body?
I’m not saying anything.
I’m not saying my father
offed 152 people in Jersey.
And I’m definitely not saying
we’re in the witness
protection program.
So you’re in a crime family and
the witness protection program?
And you’re having relations
with a woman this old?
Old? That is so mean.
I can’t believe
I almost kissed you.
- Whore! Come back!
- Nina.
- Please wait.
- Not so fast.
I wanna have a little conversation
with your father.
Later.
Nina, Nina, Nina!
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
You are not the type of person
I wish to associate with,
Rick Stevens.
- Can’t you just let me…
- So, you’re Rick, huh?
- Yes.
- Karlis has a message for you.
He said tomorrow’s Arbor Day,
so unless you plough that chick
by midnight,
you better have
the 1,000 bucks you owe him
or else he’s gonna be
really fucking mad.
You bet that you would
‘plough’ somebody?
No…
Who else were you planning on
sleeping with?
I mean, you.
You… ass face!
- Oh!
- Jeez…
You OK, buddy?
Ho! I was just
a guest at a party.
I want to talk to my lawyer.
Annette Stratton-Osborne.
Mr Stevens! Mr Stevens!
Officer, there’s been
a huge misunderstanding.
- A misunderstanding?
- Make some room here.
- Right. You’re coming downtown.
- Just calm down, kids.
- What are you doing?
- Ma’am, keep your panties on.
Nina, Nina…
Mr Stevens, Brian Savage,
Channel 9, ‘Eyewitness News’.
Mr Stevens, is it true
the melee here tonight
is the result of
crime family rivalries?
I’m Tina Johnson,
investigative reporter with Channel 5.
Mr Stevens, I would love to get
an exclusive interview.
I promise I will make it
extremely worth your while.
Whore!
- I love you! I love you!
- He’s mine!
Alright, calm down!
Everybody, you have to…
OK, I know this is bad,
but… again.
Again. Again.
Can we get the patrol here,
please?
Little jackass!
Hey, cunt,
thanks for stealing my story.
Kristen,
you’re gonna get arrested.
Hey, cock cop,
this is for stealing Nina.
Oh, shit.
You fucking Oompa-Loompa.
You stole my story!
Now there’s going to be
a quid pro quo.
- That’s live.
- Everybody freeze!
This is pretty.
We’re gonna need some backup.
I’m gonna trust you with this.
This is a Timex there.
I’m gluten-free, so I can’t…
I can’t have any bread unless
it’s, like, a rice flour.
- Principal Poole?
- Rick.
Officer, I got an alibi
right here.
Tell them I didn’t know
anything about the camera
in the girls locker room.
I’ve never seen this man before
in my life.
We had a deal.
I want to talk to my lawyer,
Annette Stratton-Osborne.
Come on, Pee-wee.
Hi, Jimmy.
Number one,
did you know that Billy’s mom
shaves her beef curtains?
- I did know that.
- Number two.
Some trash bag cop planted
a couple of grams of coke on me.
You believe that shit?
I find that very hard
to believe.
I can’t be in here.
My face, this bod…
You’ve seen my ass.
Three, I need you
to contact my attorney.
Beautiful tits, Annette St…
Stratton-Osborne, got it.
Kristen, Kristen, don’t cry.
I used the lap-dancing money
to bail you out -
you’ll be free within the hour.
I have a criminal record.
Lots of people
have criminal records.
Stanford is going to rescind
my acceptance.
That was my last shot.
- I’ll figure something out, OK?
- Great, great.
You motherfucker!
Get the fuck over here!
Get the fuck over here!
- I swear to God…
- It was good seeing you.
- Good to see you too, fuckhead.
- Yeah, great, yeah.
Fuck!
- Billy, hey, Billy.
- Huh? Oh! Oh! Rick.
Sorry to wake you.
This is crazy, huh?
They got me on a pandering rap.
I don’t even know
what ‘pandering’ means.
Look, you gotta use the money
that I collected at the party
to bail me out, OK?
There’s none left.
- What do you mean?
- There’s no money left.
We collected a whole shoebox
full of money.
- I had to bail my sister out.
- What about me?
I figured your mom
could bail you out.
- My mom’s IN jail, Rick.
- Didn’t even think about that.
Well, at least this nice man
offered to give me
a cavity search,
which would save me
a trip to the dentist.
You know how much
I hate the dentist.
Oh, God, Billy, stay strong.
Have you got in touch
with your parents yet?
They’re in Dallas for
the Pro-life Gun Expo.
Is there anything I can do?
Yeah, you can…
…go eff yourself.
I liked you,
despite the fact that you don’t
have your future planned out.
Despite the fact
that your socks never match.
Despite the fact
that your ringtone
is ‘Nigga What, Nigga Who.’
It’s my favourite song.
I liked you because I thought
that you were different.
And clearly I was wrong.
No, Nina, I am different.
When I’m with you, I’m different.
It’s just everyone around me
keeps messing me up, you know?
And I’m in this… Like the bet,
that wasn’t even my idea.
Will you grow up?
Take responsibility
for your actions
and accept that some things
are 100% your fault.
Like the fact that I never want
to see you again.
Nina…
- Nina, I’m sorry.
- Will you go?
OK. Look, I…
Never mind.
♪ Looking from the window above
♪ It’s like a story of love
♪ Can you hear me?
♪ Listen to the words
that you say
♪ It’s getting harder to stay
♪ When I see you… ♪
Put THAT…
♪ All I needed
was the love you gave
♪ All I needed for another day
- ♪ And all I ever knew
- ♪ All I ever knew
♪ Only you… ♪
The cops arrested Dad
because you told them that he
was a Lithuanian mob kingpin.
Mom’s on her way back
from rehab and she is pissed.
Ugh! It’s my turn.
This is Kristen Stevens.
No, I’m the Godfather’s
daughter.
I’ll sell you
my exclusive story,
but not for a cent under 1,500.
OK, thank you.
You just sold your story
for $1,500?
This time. I’ve already sold it
for 1,000 and 1,200.
- You don’t even have a story.
- You don’t know that.
Ugh! It’s my turn, twat!
If it wasn’t for me,
Dad wouldn’t have been arrested.
Stevens Crime Syndicate.
Why are you answering
the phone like that?
- Hey, Dad.
- Don’t you “Hey, Dad” me.
Do you have any idea
what I’ve been through?
I lost my job. I spent
the night in a Lithuanian jail.
I woke up to someone
masturbating in my face!
And I have crabs!
- Did you break omerta?
- Cut the crap, you shithead.
I think I know where
all these mafia rumours started
and you are in serious trouble,
young man.
Psshhht! You’re breaking up.
You’re breaking up. Psshhht!
- I’m at a payphone, you fuck!
- Going through a tunnel. Psht!
Don’t you dare…
Dad says hi, by the way.
What the hell…?
What the hell…?!
Crabs. Great.
Buenos tardes.
Jesus Christ!
Can you use the front door
for once?
You’re back.
I have no clue
what you’re saying.
I have a message for you
from God.
Stop being such a screw-up.
Oh, and don’t lose faith.
That’s it?
That’s all God has to say?
What did you want,
the winning lotto numbers?
It’s Arbor Day.
Game’s over, big boy.
Time to pay your debts.
What am I supposed to do?
How can I set things right?
Stop thinking with
your little head.
You were given two.
She always does that.
Which brings us back
to the beginning.
Not there.
We already saw all that.
Stop! Now that we’re back to
where we started,
your guess is as good as mine
as to how this fucker ends.
Forgive me, Father,
for I have sinned.
It’s been, like, two months
since my last confession.
- It’s been three years, Rick.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Whoa.
Tell me about you sins, child.
I’ve lied a few times.
Why did you lie?
I was trying to win
the heart of Nina Pennington,
but it didn’t work.
Well, it’s not a mortal sin.
Anything else?
I had sex a few times.
I’m gonna need names.
Well, first
I almost got a blow job
from a stripper down
at the club named Cherysh.
That’s a venial sin.
Serious nonetheless,
but not mortal.
And I’ve been having sex
kind of regularly
with… Mrs Bender.
- Pamela Bender?
- Yep.
Keith Bender’s wife?
Your best friend
Billy Bender’s mother?
- That one.
- You sonofabitch!
You’re the dirty little
cocksucker that gave me crabs!
You’re excommunicated.
Ex-fucking-communicated!
Well, that didn’t go
as well as I had hoped.
I didn’t get the chance
to tell Father Krumins
that the source of his crabs
was more likely a crack whore
from the Do-Me-Inn.
- Ricky.
- Mm-hm.
- Did you give me crabs?
- I think you gave them to me.
That is so funny.
Where’s your mother?
Uh, well, she attempted suicide
and the ambulance driver said
she’s probably dead.
Oh, my God.
Are you sure?
She didn’t have a drink
in her hand.
But she did leave this letter
blaming you for everything.
I called her last night?
I must’ve been much more
out of it than I thought.
I feel awful
that I hurt my mother
by having sex with you,
Mrs Bender,
so I promised God
that I wouldn’t fuck you anymore
if he spares my mother’s life.
Sounded a bit too melodramatic,
so I add…
- Do you want a cocktail?
- I’ve gotta get to the jail.
Make sure Billy hasn’t
been raped or anything.
You didn’t get him released yet?
I was tired.
I gotta go down to the hospital,
see if my mom’s dead yet.
Will you call me
as soon as you know anything?
Because if she lives,
I’ll rent us a room at the Hyatt.
Mrs Bender, I made a promise
to God and I…
What would you rather do,
explain to God
how you were momentarily weak
or explain to my husband,
who owns a store full of guns,
how he caught crabs?
I have to take responsibility
for my actions.
If I don’t, somebody else
might try and kill themselves.
I had no idea that you
felt this way, Richard.
- Mrs Bender…
- I thought…
I thought that you enjoyed
our rendezvous.
I did, probably too much,
but you know how you said
that I should try something new?
- Mm-hm.
- You were right.
That’s what I’m doing.
I’m gonna fix my family.
‘Bye, Pamela.
Thank you for everything.
- I’ll be right next door.
- OK. OK.
I have no plans tonight.
What are you doing here?
I was in the cafeteria.
They have bitchin’ tater tots.
Aw, you look like hell.
It’s my fault
everything is such a mess.
Nina won’t speak to me.
My sister got thrown out
of school.
Mom is probably dead.
Looks like we’re finally
making some progress.
Progress?
For once, you’re thinking about
somebody other than yourself.
Your mother would be so proud.
Where is she?
She dead, child.
What do you mean, dead?
Her heart stopped beating.
They took her down to the
furnace about 20 minutes ago.
But she can’t be dead.
She’s my mom.
Well, everybody gotta go
sometime.
I’m sure she knew
how much you loved her.
Mothers always know.
I don’t think she did.
She’ll never know
that Kristen got into Stanford
or that Steven was gay.
I’m sure she did know that.
She’ll be so pissed
that she was cremated.
You feed the dog like I asked?
I’m behind the curtain, stupid.
I heard you’re the genius
that called 911
instead of letting me
die in peace.
Oh, thank God.
Oh! At least you know
I’m opprobrious.
Did you bring me any vodka?
Have you cleaned out
the mini-bar already, Mom?
Listen, smart-ass, you’re gonna
insist I hang around and live,
I’m gonna do it on my terms.
Honey, it’s gonna take
more than that…
Do you know where I could get
some of that?
…knock me out.
Four Vicodin and a big bottle
of Stoli might do it.
I’ll be right back.
You know you’re messing
everything up, right?
- What?
- Don’t look so surprised.
I go through your trash.
I eavesdrop on
your phone conversations.
I know what you’re up to.
I’ll admit,
the you-fucking-Pam-Bender thing,
it caught me by surprise,
but I know more about you
than you think I do.
But…
Shut up and listen
to your mother.
Nothing you’ve done
cannot be undone.
You go, you tell this Nina Pennington
how you really feel.
Well, she doesn’t want to
talk to me.
I don’t blame her.
I was a douche.
You only get one chance, but…
What if I blew that chance?
Well, you can’t make her
forgive you,
but you can do what it takes
to make things right with her.
Don’t be like your father -
be a man.
It’s like the first time
we’ve had a conversation
where you were cognisant.
- Alright, here we go.
- Seriously?
- Wait! Wait. Can we just…
- Too late.
Oh, cunt-licking,
motherfucking whore-cock!
I totally had you going.
- You’re not gonna maim me?
- No.
Anyone who can make
my douche bag dad sweat
is alright by me.
Oh, thank you so much, Karlis.
Thank you.
I was an asshole to make
this bet in the first place.
And, oh, you can tell
your family
that my dad’s not a mob boss -
he’s just a dick.
Well, I will let my dad
think otherwise for a while.
- We’re good.
- Thank you.
OK, see you.
I know you must be super busy,
so I really appreciate you
taking the time to meet with me.
At the rate your family
and friends keep going to jail,
you should put me on
a permanent retainer.
It would be cheaper.
- Did you go to Stanford?
- Best four years of my life.
Mind you, I’m surprised
I can still walk
and that I don’t have chlamydia.
Hey, what does that red seal
on the envelope mean?
If I told you,
I’d have to kill you.
No, seriously, what you
don’t know can’t hurt me.
Are you gonna be able to get
any of those charges dropped?
I take it you kind of like
this girl.
A lot, and she wants
nothing to do with me.
And seeing as I’m the one
that got her in this mess,
I want to get her out.
Alright, I’ll do it for 2,000.
$2,000? I don’t have that.
How much do you have?
Around $37.
But at least
I still have my pinkies.
Pinkies are overrated,
unless they’re in the stink.
That can be the down payment,
and for the rest, I am looking
for a part-time file clerk.
You can work it off, or sell
a kidney. I know a guy.
- I guess I choose file clerk.
- Welcome to the firm.
Thanks for getting me out.
Well, Billy,
you are my best friend
and I do feel
somewhat responsible.
Hey, wait,
how’d you get the money?
- He’s my bitch now.
- Oh!
Speaking of bitches,
Kevin Carpenter is still in there.
How’s he doing?
Let’s just say
it wasn’t a broomstick
that took his butt cherry.
Mom! Hey, it’s me!
Hey! Hi!
Were you coming to get me out?
Yes, of course I was, darling.
Who are you?
Shouldn’t you be wearing a bra?
I’m Rick’s attorney,
and his new boss
for the next 20 years.
Billy, you could take a lesson
from your friend
and get a job yourself.
That’s very responsible of you,
Richard.
Thanks. OK.
‘Bye, Rick.
Hey, Mom, can we get Slurpees?
So, make sure to wear
your tight jeans on Monday.
Yeah, about that…
What’s that?
Just a rather incriminating
letter to you
from Father Krumins.
You know, your friend,
the head of the Lithuanian mafia.
Are you blackmailing me?
No, I thought
you should have it back.
Thanks.
- And let’s make it 10 years.
- Deal.
See you Monday.
At least ‘Jugs’ offered me
$10,000 for a pictorial.
You’re going to hell
in a hand basket.
Well, she’s going
to Stanford first.
What?
My boss is an alumni.
The dean owed her a favour
for some reason.
- You’re not a dick!
- That’s my girl.
That’s a pretty big closet.
And it’s time
you came out of it.
What?
Now you can stop being mean
to everyone
and just be honest
with yourself.
- And start dressing better.
- We won’t love you any less.
- You knew?
- A mother always knows.
Besides, you work out
your glutes,
like, five times a week.
- Here.
- What’s this?
Your divorce papers.
All you have to do is sign them.
I don’t know. I hate
the thought of being alone.
You’re not.
Butch.
Even though you didn’t die,
we still remembered
to feed the dog.
And you’ve always got us, Mom.
I need a drink.
♪ Oh, Superman
♪ I don’t wanna hit the ground
I don’t wanna hit the ground
♪ I don’t wanna hit the ground
♪ Oh, Superman
♪ Oh, Superman… ♪
Damn it,
watch where you’re walking.
Are you OK?
- Nina, hi. I’m sorry.
- Rick…
Before you tell me to go away,
just let me tell you one thing.
Look, I know I messed
everything up,
I… I have a lot of insecurities
and I do really stupid things
sometimes.
Well, a lot of the time.
All I ever wanted
was for you to like me,
and think that I was cool…
which I’m not.
I let a lot of stuff get
in the way of the fact that…
…I really like you so much.
Rick…
…I do think that you’re cool.
You do?
You’re right, though -
you are a complete idiot.
But I like you.
And I heard what you said
to your family
and I thought that it showed
a lot of character.
Well, I like to help people.
Actually I do.
It’s not even bullshit.
It really does…
it does feel good.
Then I guess we have a lot more
in common than I thought.
Go for it.
♪ I don’t wanna hit the ground
♪ I don’t wanna hit the ground
♪ I don’t wanna hit the ground
♪ Oh, Superman Oh, Superman
♪ I don’t wanna hit the ground
♪ I don’t wanna hit
the ground… ♪
And we all lived
happily ever after.
Well, some more than others.
Annette
Stratton-Osborne welcomes you
to the grand re-opening
of Pomme-Teri,
where the men are hot
and everything’s legal.
- I’m gay!
- I gathered.
Alright, ladies,
next up we have a new guy.
Please give it up for Sparky!
Whoo!
He’s young, but he’s legal.
Sparky likes long walks
on the beach and kittens.
You’re Principal Poole’s
secretary.
And a finger up his ass.
- Show us some cock!
- No, no, no.
Oh, no, baby, get back there.
Sparky! Sparky! Sparky!
- Not with the plunger.
- Sparky! Sparky! Sparky!
Oh, Billy Bender!
Mom? What are you doing here?
I, uh, my car… broke down.
- Here’s another, Pam.
- Oh, thank you so much.
You told me to get a job.
A job where you keep
your clothes on. Look at you.
Look at you.
Ladies, I made him do push-ups
every single day
for the last seven years.
Huh? Huh?
Ma’am, you’re gonna have to
sit down.
- Young man, is that a boner?
- Oh!
Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
My mom… A boner…
Oh, my God.
I’m gonna be so grounded.
I’m not your mother.
I am a saint.
And you, my dear, have
been a very naughty little boy.
- If it’s about the stripping…
- No.
No, I’m more concerned
with those library books.
They’re very late
and you’re never gonna get
those pages unstuck.
Ohhh!
Billy Bender!
♪ Headed for the open door
♪ Tell me
what you’re waiting for
♪ Look across the great divide
♪ Soon they’re gonna hear the sound,
the sound, the sound
♪ When we come running
♪ Never go where we belong
♪ Echoes in the dead of night
♪ Soon they’re gonna know
the sound, the sound, the sound
- ♪ When we come running
- ♪ Whoa-oh
♪ Oh-oh-oh
♪ Whoa-oh, oh-oh-oh
♪ Oh-oh
♪ Oh-oh-oh
♪ The sound,
the sound, the sound
♪ When we come running
♪ Never go where we belong
♪ Echoes in the dead of night
♪ Soon they’re gonna know
the sound, the sound, the sound
- ♪ When we come running
- ♪ Whoa-oh, oh-oh-oh… ♪
Scene 67, take one.
Mark.
OK, we found the body
of Mantas Barukas.
Is that the right way to say it?
Bartuska.
Mantas Bartuskas…
Bartukas… Bartukas…
Bartukas…
Bartukas…
How did the body
of Mant… Bartukas…
I know you have something
to give to me that you want to,
but right now you’re in fear.
I think you’re in fear.
Oh, you do? Think I’m in fear?
You think I’m in fear?
That’s where you belong,
right on your fucking ass!
I said the body of
Mantas Bartukas…
Mantas Bartuskas…
Mr Bartukas…
Mantas Barukas…
How did Mantas Bartuskus’s body
end up in the trunk of
your mother’s car?
- What?
- Clearly you didn’t kill him.
I mean, just looking at you,
if you sneezed,
you would blow your balls
out of your scrotum.
- That’s mean.
- It’s not mean.
It’s a way to get a sex change
without trying.
And cut.
♪ A dirty face of gold
♪ Behind that crooked line
♪ Where you never knew you’d go
♪ Headed for the open door
♪ Tell me
what you’re waiting for
♪ Look across the great divide
♪ Soon they’re gonna hear
the sound, the sound, the sound
♪ When we come running
♪ Never go where we belong
♪ Echoes in the dead of night
♪ Soon they’re gonna know
the sound, the sound, the sound
- ♪ When we come running
- ♪ Whoa-oh
♪ Oh-oh-oh
♪ Whoa-oh, oh-oh-oh
♪ Oh-oh
♪ Oh-oh-oh
♪ The sound,
the sound, the sound
♪ When we come running
- ♪ When the world’s gone quiet
- ♪ Whoa-oh
- ♪ I see you dancing slow
- ♪ Whoa-oh
♪ Feelin’ satisfied
where you never knew you’d go
♪ Headed for the open door
♪ Tell me
what you’re waiting for
♪ Look across the great divide
♪ Soon they’re gonna hear
the sound, the sound, the sound
♪ When we come running
♪ Never go where we belong
♪ Echoes in the dead of night
♪ Soon they’re gonna know
the sound, the sound, the sound
- ♪ When we come running
- ♪ Whoa-oh
♪ Oh-oh-oh
♪ Whoa-oh, oh-oh-oh
♪ Oh-oh
♪ Oh-oh-oh
♪ The sound,
the sound, the sound
♪ When we come running
♪ Days go by
♪ Feeling broken down
- ♪ Remember
- ♪ Whoa-oh
- ♪ Always remember
- ♪ Whoa-oh
♪ The sound,
the sound, the sound
♪ When we come running
♪ The sound,
the sound, the sound
♪ When we come running
♪ Headed for the open door
♪ Whoa-oh
♪ Tell me
what you’re waiting for
♪ Look across the great divide
♪ Soon they’re gonna hear
the sound, the sound, the sound
♪ When we come running
♪ The sound,
the sound, the sound
- ♪ When we come running
- ♪ Whoa-oh, oh-oh-oh

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Jason Nash Is Married 2014

Jason Nash Is Married

Jason Nash Is Married

- Man, I tell you.
It is… it is hard.
I hear her… her voice
in my head all the time.
I walk in the door,
and she’s asking me
something to do.
When the… when the lock turns,
she’s like, “can you”…
it’s unbelievable.
I mean, it’s… and then,
you know, I don’t have a job.
And I can’t get a job
because I’m constantly
watching the kids.
And…
I mean, I got to tell you, man,
sometimes it feels like I threw
my whole life away.
- Oh, Jason, that’s ridiculous.
Come on, man.
You’re doing the right thing,
You got a beautiful family.
- You really think so?
- Yeah.
- Thank you so much
for saying that.
- Ooh, you know what?
I’m supposed to fuck this chick
on the other side of town.
So I’m gonna take off.
Unless you want me to stay here.
‘Cause I don’t have to fuck her.
I can stay here with you.
- No. No, of course.
- Okay, yeah,
’cause I-i got to go.
- Okay.
- You let yourself out, right?
- Yeah.
How… see you later.
- Two, three, four.
- I have this joke I do
in my act,
and it goes like this:
People used to ask me, “you look
so happy with your wife.”
What’s the secret?”
And the secret to a great
marriage is very simple,
and here it is:
One person eats shit
over and over again,
breakfast, lunch, dinner,
and the other person
soars like a bird,
higher and higher,
flying horizontally
between two canyons,
and then coming back around
and feeding off the lost dreams
of the first person.
And if you don’t have that,
well, then,
you’ll never be happy.
I was married for seven years.
It was the hardest thing
I’ve ever had to do.
There’s no right and wrong
in marriage.
It’s just what will work.
- Hello?
I’m open for business.
- Yeah, I know,
and you look great.
I just… you know, we’ve been
getting along so well lately.
I don’t want to ruin
the friendship.
And that’s not to say
I’m not to blame.
- Jason, you look amazing.
Ooh, seriously, though, busy.
How do you keep your hands off
this guy?
- Well, you know,
he doesn’t make any money,
so it’s not hard.
- I could’ve got a job,
and I could’ve ditched
my dipshit friends.
Arthur, it’s Jason Nash.
- It’s Jason fucking Nash!
- Yeah, what’s wrong with you,
- What’s happening?
- Let his kid in your school!
- I don’t have much
control over…
- ah, yeah!
- See, unlike me,
busy knew exactly
what she wanted at all times.
- Jason, I can’t go.
I have work. I have work.
- It’s really a great quality.
Okay, so mommy’s gonna stay
here, okay, guys?
And we’re gonna go.
But if she wasn’t doing
what she wanted…
- All right.
She was very unhappy.
Isn’t this great?
- It’s really, really not.
- And in the end,
I did what a lot of guys do.
I fucked things up.
- Do you have someplace to go?
- Ah!
- Hey, whoa.
- Ah, ah.
- Sorry, neighbor.
Didn’t you hear me knocking?
- Yeah, I did.
I didn’t want to talk
to anybody.
- Hey, I’m scooter.
Official single-guy
welcoming committee.
Little known fact:
I’ve had my dick out in every
apartment in this building.
- Scooter, I just moved in,
and I’m actually going through
a separation,
and I’m just feeling
a little depressed.
- All us divorced guys,
we look out for each other.
- Yeah, I’m separated.
- What’s with the dick sweeper?
- Well, you know,
we’re just living
in a cool part of town now,
so I was just trying to do,
like,
a silver lake
hipster kind of thing.
- Mm, more like a
“gargle another man’s balls”
kind of thing.
Not that I haven’t been there.
Just fucking with ya.
Shit.
What’s this?
- That’s my wig and costume box,
but please don’t touch that.
- Dude, since we’re gonna be
bro-ing out together,
we should write a sitcom
about our exploits.
- Ah, no,
I’m not gonna do that with you.
That sounds terrible
to spend that much time
with you.
- Seriously, do you know anybody
in the TV business?
- Uh, me? No.
Nope.
I don’t know anybody
in the TV business.
- We got to find someone.
- TV is what busy does.
She’s a producer.
I would’ve loved to have done
something like that,
but I could never get a job
doing it.
Before I got married,
I had a lot of promise.
I tried to get my own show
many times, but…
Every time I get into a room
with people,
something happens.
So what’d you think?
Did you like it?
- It’s like hope has run
so far away from this guy
that it’s actually gone…
it’s, like,
sunk beyond the horizon
and he’s in a land
of endless night, you know,
no wheat’s growing,
no engines are running.
Everything’s dying.
- I had this voice
in the back of my head,
and it always says
the same thing.
“You have no business
being part of society.”
I know what you’re saying.
“Oh, why doesn’t he quit
and just get a job at a bank?”
A bank?
A bank wouldn’t hire me.
I’ve spent the last ten years
making status updates.
I’m unhireable.
Besides, you think
that’s the answer?
To go work somewhere
where you’re miserable?
Nah, I’m sorry.
That’s… that’s not what life
is about.
Life is about
following the thing
that you’re passionate about
until the very end,
at any cost,
no matter how stupid you look.
- All right, you ready?
- I’m ready.
- We are good.
- This look good?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Okay.
- That’s a real gun, by the way,
so be careful.
- What?
- I said, it’s a real gun,
so be careful.
- You got a real gun?
- Well, it’s my dad’s.
- But why would you use
a real gun?
This is a silly sketch.
- BECAUSE… YOU SEE BLACK RAIN?
- BLACK RAIN?
- THE MOVIE.
- WITH…
- Michael Douglas. YEAH.
- Did you see the guns,
how fake they looked?
Looks real…
- just take this.
I don’t… I don’t…
- Hey.
- What are you doing?
What is this?
- What are you doing home?
I thought you were at work.
- Yeah, I was.
Charley had her checkup,
remember?
Why are you wearing
that ridiculous wig?
What… hi.
- You know Dennis.
- Hi.
- Uh, we’re shooting
a video for a contest
for a comedy website.
- All right.
Well, what’s the contest?
What’s the prize?
- A tote bag.
Jason, I just saw this.
Were you gonna tell me
about this?
- I want to pay that. I do.
- You owe $30,000 in back taxes?
- I know. I know.
I saw that bill.
- You have to get a job.
- I know. I got to do something
about that.
- You have to.
- I know.
You know, I’m gonna get a job.
I’m gonna get a job.
Right after we do this,
I’m gonna send out some emails.
- Okay, you’re just…
that’s how…
you’re gonna send off
some emails and get a…
what are you gonna do?
What’s the plan?
- Look, I want to reassure you
that totally responsibly Jason
is here,
and I’m going to grow up,
starting now.
- Shit, man.
This is loaded.
I forgot to take the clip out.
- Oh, my God. Jason.
- You’re not around
a lot of children, are you?
- Ball.
- I got an idea.
- What?
- I want to get you a meeting
at blazers media.
- Oh, to pitch a show?
- No, dude.
To be a receptionist.
My law firm represents this guy
who just opened
this new company.
He’s running this company.
It’s called blazers media.
I’m gonna get you in there.
- Hey, hey, I know.
- My shot, dude. My shot.
- I know.
- I’ll pitch a show
with Randy Plymouth.
That’ll be great.
- Randy Plymouth, the comedian?
- That’ll be great.
- That’s insane.
He’s drunk all the time.
- He smokes crack.
No one smokes crack anymore.
- He’s clean.
He’s totally clean now.
- Didn’t you just see he just
got caught taking a picture
of an 18-year-old boy
on his roof?
- Yeah, so what?
He’s 18. That’s cool.
- I don’t think
you’re hearing me, okay?
This is a receptionist job.
That’s it.
- Dude, Randy Plymouth,
variety show.
It’s a slam dunk.
What’s up?
Is that a bigger ball
than normal?
Is that a bigger size?
Is that regulation?
Shit, ’cause it feels bigger.
- Thanks for coming over here,
’cause blazers won’t be set up
for another couple weeks,
so I won’t physically be
in the office until, you know,
two or three weeks from now.
I’m on hold right now.
I’m getting a shark tank.
I mean, it’s a fish tank,
but it’s gonna be big enough
to hold a shark.
- Do you want to go?
Do you want to take that?
- No, no, no, I’m listening.
I’m still listening.
So what have you been up to?
- Oh, um, you know, I’ve been
making videos for this website.
You know, it’s funny.
I was actually gonna
go pitch something
with David Fincher, maybe.
- Adventure baby?
I like the sound of that.
Adventure baby.
- No, no, I said,
“David Fincher, maybe.”
Not “adventure baby.”
- YEAH, I WOULD DEFINITELY WATCH
SOMETHING CALLED ADVENTURE BABY.
So that’s a good idea.
And then as far as
this Randy Plymouth thing goes,
he’s an icon.
I mean, I love him.
I’ve been a fan
since I was six or seven.
Really, seven.
The problem is,
at the end of the day,
is he sober?
- Randy? Oh, yeah.
Randy is… he’s totally clean.
He’s been clean
for a couple months now, and…
- really?
- Yeah.
- That sounds great.
Well, I tell you what,
why don’t I go over
to his mansion…
to Randy’s mansion… meet him.
We’ll hash the whole thing out
and see if we can get
something going.
- Oh, my God.
- Awesome.
- That’s awesome.
- That’s great.
- It’s great!
- Now I’m on the…
that’s so great.
- Okay, that’s awesome.
- Oh.
- All right, they got it.
They have it.
Okay, great.
- They have the shark tank?
- Yeah, well, it’s a fish tank,
as a mentioned earlier,
but it’ll be able to hold
a shark.
- Randy, come on.
You got to get out of bed.
Let’s go.
You got to get dressed.
- Mm-mm.
- Oh, my God,
you’re really depressed.
- Yeah.
Yeah, I am.
‘Cause I haven’t done
any drugs in a month, okay?
You know what that’s like?
Guess what.
I don’t like
- Come on.
We agreed that we were gonna
do this show from your house.
I mean, you were all excited
to do it,
and I really need you to step up
for me right now.
Come on, I got to make
something happen for my family.
- Why do I need you
for a TV show anyways, huh?
What are you bringing
to the table?
- Well, I’m a writer.
You don’t write.
You don’t even know
how to work a typewriter.
- Typewriter?
- Yeah.
- Who uses a typewriter anymore?
- Well, you can’t even type.
And I’m punctual.
I’ll get you to meetings
on time.
I’ll remember
when the meetings are.
I know when it’s appropriate
and when it’s not appropriate
to touch a woman’s breast.
- That’s low.
- Yep.
All right, okay, look.
He texted me. He’s here.
He’s outside.
- Let’s go.
- I’m going.
- Let’s go, Randy.
Let’s do this.
- I’m going!
- Randy, get down here.
- Hey.
- What’s up? All right.
- How are you?
- Thanks so much
for coming over, man.
- You remember Trisha,
my new girlfriend.
- Of course.
Hey, we met last time.
- We did?
- Yeah.
- I don’t remember.
- Oh.
- Nice. Oh, Randy Plymouth!
Huge comedy boner alert!
I’ve got a comedy boner
right now.
- Get out of my house.
I’m not up for this.
- Hey, I’m a huge fan.
I love it when you play
“pull my finger.”
- You don’t know me.
You don’t know me.
- Okay.
This is a side of Randy Plymouth
that I haven’t seen.
I like. You guys want to party?
I brought a six-pack and
some pretty good white stuff.
- Oh, my dear God.
I’ll show you the coke room.
- Hey, hey, hey, Randy, no.
- I want to show you…
I’ll show you the coke room.
- There’s no coke room today.
Hey, tidal, I told you,
Randy is clean.
He’s a month sober.
He’s doing great.
- Okay, hey,
so he really is sober.
Jason, you want to…
- No, I’m good.
I’m great.
It’s the middle of the day.
- Okay, well,
now I feel like a jerk.
- Oh, no, no, I’m sorry.
Don’t feel like a jerk.
I mean, have fun. That’s cool.
- Oh, no, I just feel like
a jerk ’cause I brought so much.
I’m still gonna…
- You know what?
This is probably not the best
thing for Randy to be watching.
Randy, what are you doing?
- All right, now somebody’s
ready to party.
- Randy, Randy…
- get the fuck away from me.
I’m not gonna sit here and…
- Put it down, Randy!
Put it down.
You know what?
I feel really bad.
We shouldn’t be doing this
in front of him.
- All right, let’s finish off
these lines,
and then we’ll do a couple more,
and then we’ll be good to go.
Slide!
Yeah!
- They have to leave, okay?
The nanny’s bringing
the kids over.
- Okay, good.
- Randy Plymouth,
it’s been an honor.
I can’t wait to make
comedy genius with you.
- All right.
- Wait a minute. So we sold it?
- Yeah, of course you sold it.
Hell yeah, you did.
I love the mansion.
I love the concept.
I love Randy Plymouth.
LIVE FROM
RANDY PLYMOUTH’S PLAYHOUSE.
It’s gonna be good.
- Ah, that’s great news.
- Do you guys have any rubbers?
- No, I don’t have any rubbers.
That was really fun.
So much fun.
Just hanging out is fun too,
you know?
It doesn’t have to be
all business all the time.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- So listen,
it’s not gonna work.
- What’s not gonna work?
- Well, just the whole thing
with Randy.
I mean, he’s different,
isn’t he?
Don’t you think?
- Yeah, he’s not, like,
out of control Randy.
He’s, like, super depressing.
- Yeah, he’s just not
the same force of nature
that he used to be, you know?
Just tell him it’s not gonna go,
and, you know,
I just didn’t want
to embarrass him.
Hey, do you have any rubbers?
Did I already ask you that?
- Yeah,
you already asked me that.
No, I don’t have any rubbers.
- It’s just a different way
of saying condoms.
- Yeah, I know what rubbers are.
- Okay.
This is embarrassing.
I left my keys in the house.
Can you go get ‘em?
- Hey, buddy, listen.
I’m… I’m really sorry
that it didn’t work out.
I know that you tried
really, really hard.
And, look, I know
you’re gonna get a break.
I know you are.
All right, I’ll just…
I’ll see you later, okay?
I’ll make dinner.
Love you.
- Hello?
- Jason, congratulations.
We sold the show.
- The show with Randy Plymouth?
- No, no, remember, I said
that wasn’t gonna work out.
NO, WE SOLD ADVENTURE BABY.
I pitched it to my boss.
He loved it, bought it.
It’s a go.
- I said “David Fincher, maybe.”
- NO, I LIKE ADVENTURE BABY
BETTER AS A TITLE.
DAVID FINCHER, MAYBE?
Like, what is that show about,
you know?
- There is no show, tidal!
- Well, you better come up
with an idea,
BECAUSE YOU JUST SOLD
ADVENTURE BABY.
I love hanging up on somebody
right after
I tell them something.
It gives it more gravitas.
- Yes!
Yeah!
Yeah, I sold a show.
Look, it’s not so bad
being single.
I mean, who wants to be married?
Who wants to do half of what
they want to do at all times?
I mean, unless you have no legs
or something.
I didn’t want to get married.
But all I knew was,
when I wasn’t with her,
I was bummed out.
She was that great.
She was that much fun
to be with.
- It’s done.
Two tickets to Springsteen,
Friday night, sold out.
We got vip backstage passes.
- She was on your side.
It was the best thing
in the world.
- Excuse me.
- No, it’s okay.
- Excuse me.
- It’s fine.
- I’m sorry,
my husband was next.
He was just about to pay
for his protein powder.
- This is just gonna take
a second.
- Oh, no, no, I get that,
you know,
all things being equal.
Even when you call ahead,
you still have to wait in line
like a decent
fucking human being.
- And if she was against you…
- GOOD LORD, Jason,
THAT MUSTACHE IS RIDICULOUS.
- Watch out.
Oh, was that good?
- That was it?
No, that was awful.
- Even when she nagged you,
you sort of liked it,
because out of all the suckers
in the world,
she chose you.
- Can’t we just do
something quiet,
like go to a nice restaurant
and look at each other
and talk and eat delicious food
and drink wine?
- Yeah.
We had an unexplainable
connection.
And then all this shit happens,
and it goes away.
- So I have a fun little project
for us.
- Oh, cool.
- I got all these architectural
magazines and stuff,
and I thought what we could do
is, go through them
and cut out our favorite tiles
and countertops
and faucets and things like that
for the house,
and you could put what you like,
and I can put what I like,
and then it would be
sort of like
our dream book for the house.
You know, like a dream.
- I’m not into that, you know?
And quite honestly,
it’s very superficial.
You know, wanting stuff,
buying stuff.
“I want this. I need that.”
I mean, is that really
what it’s about, busy?
- I’m sorry
that it’s superficial
for me to want to build
a nice life for us together.
- I know, but you wouldn’t want
me opinion anyway.
- I do!
- No, you don’t.
- That’s why I’m asking.
- We’ve been through this.
You don’t like…
and I have no idea.
I don’t know how to pick
things out.
I pick stuff out, and you go,
“oh, that’s not right.”
And I just don’t know.
So…
- You can like architecture
and design,
and it doesn’t make you not
funny or… like, you know?
Brad pitt is an amazing actor,
and he’s super into
architecture.
- God, CAN WE STOP WITH…
Can we stop with talking about
Brad pitt in this house?
I mean, believe me, the guy’s…
the guy’s got rocks in his head.
Honestly, you know.
- Are you kidding?
- No, I’m not kidding.
He’s like a bunch
of yahtzee dice in a cup.
- Do you know that Brad pitt
has almost single-handedly
raised millions and millions
and millions and millions
and millions of dollars
for new Orleans and built…
- that’s not hard.
I’m talking about…
I’m talking about brains.
I mean, I’m sure
he’s a nice person.
I’m just saying, you know,
intellectually…
- Yeah, intellectually,
I’m sure you have him beat.
- Well, I probably do.
I don’t see him on Twitter.
- When you’re not just posting
jokes about shitting.
- Well, you know, it’s funny.
It’s just not my thing.
- Whatever. Fine.
- No, don’t be mad.
Don’t be mad about it.
I’m not trying to be a jerk.
I’m just telling you the truth.
You don’t want…
a dream book?
You want me to spend my time
cutting out
pictures of things
from a magazine
that we may or may not get?
I tried to tell her
that material things
were not gonna make us happy,
that we needed to keep
our relationship simple.
And I get it.
I understand that she wants
certain things.
And I wanted to give it to her.
I wanted to care
how the house was decorated.
But I just didn’t.
I owed the government $30,000
and had to come up with
a TV show based on a title.
- OKAY, OKAY, ADVENTURE BABY.
I got this.
- Nice. So you sold a show.
I bet you that burns busy’s ass,
right?
Huh? Huh?
Ah-ha, in your face, busy!
Boom.
- Steve, we’re not competing
against each other.
- You kind of are.
- Wait, I got it. I got it.
OKAY, OKAY, ADVENTURE BABY,
OKAY?
We stick a baby in the middle
of a mall, right,
and we let it crawl around,
figure its way out.
People bet on it.
ADVENTURE BABY. BOOM!
- Here’s one that’s better.
Okay, the baby is like
the crocodile hunter,
and every week it’s got to kill
different, dangerous animals.
- Why do all your ideas involve
putting the baby in harm’s way?
- Hey, it’s your title, dude.
- Yeah.
Now in your face, busy.
Boom!
- I got another one.
- Ah, ah!
What are you do…
what are you doing?
- Why would you do that?
That’s not funny, scooter.
Not funny at all, you know?
- You should see
the fucking look on your face.
- You don’t go in and grab
somebody’s nuts like that.
- Yes, you do.
- You know, man, I’m tired…
I’m tired of you, man.
You come in here,
you mess with me,
and then… and all you do is tell
me really depressing stuff.
- Buddy, I’m not the enemy,
all right?
There’s this chick
I’ve been scoping out for you.
She lives in this building.
- Yeah, I’m really not ready
to start dating anybody,
so I don’t want to do that.
- I know you’re not.
That’s why we’re doing it
together.
A little two-on-one action.
You ever barbeque
on the same grill, huh?
Ah…
Ah… Switch!
Not yet. Switch again!
RIGHT?
- I don’t know what’s going on
in that scenario,
but, um, I just… I wouldn’t be
into something with another guy.
- What?
Dude,
you should talk to someone.
You know, like a therapist.
- Okay, I need to talk
to a therapist.
- Yeah.
- Okay, sure.
- All right. Fucking weirdo.
- ♪ I…
- See you later.
- ♪ I sit with you
♪ and feel
that I should feel… ♪
- Hey, on Thursday, I want you
to come to my therapist with me.
Really, I just want you to meet
Dr. Glenn.
- You want me to go somewhere
where you’ve been going
for the last two years,
building a case against me,
and go in there
and face an ambush?
Is that what you want me to do?
- Really?
I thought you were more evolved
than that.
Come on.
Fine. Just forget it.
- So I’m here, and, uh…
- So, Jason, busy tells me that
you might have some reservations
about therapy,
and I want you to know
that I am going to be impartial,
always,
because my job is to make things
better for the two of you.
Busy tells me that sometimes
you find her to be controlling.
- Uh…
- I think that’s far.
- Yeah.
Okay, yeah, sometimes I do
find her a little controlling.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Well, that can be a tough thing,
and believe it or not,
I’m that way
with my wife sometimes.
- Oh, yeah.
- Shoot.
You know what? I’m sorry.
I think I left my phone
in the waiting room.
I’m just gonna grab it.
Two seconds.
- Mm-hmm.
- Come right back.
- I will. Of course.
- Okay.
- Come here.
Come here.
Listen, dude, I want you to know
that I totally have your back.
Okay?
No matter what is said in here,
I’m on your side, bro.
Okay?
Do you know what I’m saying?
- What do you mean?
- What do I mean?
She’s in her own world.
Look, we’re a couple of guys.
Dudes back each other up, okay?
We’re dudes.
I’m gonna back you up.
- Oh, no, no,
you don’t have to do that.
- No, I’m going to do it.
- No, no, no, that’s okay.
- Shut up. Here she comes.
Oh, my gosh. Thank you.
Sorry. Embarrassing.
- Any calls? Everything okay?
- Oh, no, I just didn’t want
to leave it
because I have lost,
like, four phones.
- So, Jason, go on.
- Um, well, yeah, she’s
a little controlling sometimes,
in that, you know,
I just kind of…
it feels like it encroaches on
my freedom a little bit and…
- Mm-hmm.
Do you feel that’s
an accurate characterization?
Do you feel that sometimes
you are controlling with Jason?
- Well, yeah.
I mean, to be fair,
we have two children.
We have a lot of responsibility.
- Yep.
- I’m the one that… I mean…
- she makes all the money.
- Right.
I’m over here,
and I’m doing this thing,
and I’m over there,
and I’m doing that thing,
and I’m parenting the kids,
and so when I ask you to pick up
milk, it’s not an order.
It’s not me being controlling
when I ask you
to come home at 10:00 P.M.,
as opposed to staying out
till 3:00.
- Right, right.
I just have… I’m working
when I’m out that late.
I mean, I’m, like,
doing stand-up.
- I mean, like,
hanging out in a club is work.
- I don’t know.
- Yeah.
- I don’t know.
- A big component of your job,
as I understand it,
is hanging out.
There’s a lot of…
there’s a social component
to stand-up comedy that is…
it’s being in those clubs,
and that’s a big part
of how connections are made,
getting work
and securing future work.
- I just haven’t thought of it
that way.
- That’s right.
- Like, it was more…
- you know, I’m sure
you would be able to tell busy
that there’s an unpleasantness
to this hanging out.
You wish you could be home
sometimes.
But that…
it’s all part of the…
it’s all part of the business.
- Do you see why I love him?
Isn’t he the best?
- He’s the best! This is great.
Dr. Glenn!
I know I should’ve said
something about Dr. Glenn,
but it was so much easier
not saying something.
- I don’t know.
I just have never thought about
it like that before.
- GIVE HIM SOME SPACE TO SELL
THIS SHOW ADVENTURE BABY.
Just… he’s so close.
- See, with Dr. Glenn
on my side,
busy eased off a bunch.
- It’s a little bit more simple.
And then…
- I told you, you do the tiles.
I don’t care.
I don’t have an opinion, and
I have to get this pitch done
FOR ADVENTURE BABY.
I don’t… I don’t even know
what I’m doing.
Listen, this guy’s the man.
Whatever he says goes.
You’re driving the ship.
And it made no sense
to say anything
because we were getting along
better than ever.
Looking good.
That’s the old…
that’s the old nightie.
That’s our
little action nightie.
And busy was tough.
You know?
You needed two people to…
I don’t even think
I have to come anymore.
I feel like mostly the work
is being done over here.
- I’m sorry.
- Hey, you know, there’s no
right and wrong here.
We’re in it together, you know.
- Buddy, oh!
- Exactly. Thank you.
Have you heard about this thing,
your mourn?
- No. What is that?
What does that mean?
- Your mourn.
It’s like, if I died, who would
you go to for consoling?
And then, like, ultimately,
who would you be with?
Like, who’s your mourn?
- That’s not a…
I don’t think that’s a thing.
- It is a thing.
I thought of it.
- OH.
Well, there you go.
It’s not a thing.
- I’m trying
to get it out there.
I think it’s a good thing.
It’s kind of interesting.
Who’s your mourn?
Who would… who’s yours?
Who would you go… if I died…
if I died, I got hit
by a truck… boom, gone…
where do you go?
Who do you go to?
What guy? Go.
- Ugh…
I don’t… Chris Olsen, maybe?
Does that work?
- Chris Olsen.
- Does that work?
- I love it. I can see it.
He’s totally successful.
And he’s a nice guy.
He’s handsome.
He doesn’t have…
- doesn’t have kids of his own.
- He doesn’t have kids.
- Fuck.
- That’s important.
- Fuck that.
- Fuck someone else’s kids.
- Someone else’s kids? Ugh.
- ‘Cause I’d already be dealing
with you dead.
- Yeah.
- And I don’t want the kids
to have to adjust
to somebody else’s kids.
- Somebody else’s weird kids
walking around.
- All right, who’s yours?
Whatever.
This is the point, right?
You want to tell me who…
- okay, you want to know
who mine is.
Okay, I’ll tell you.
- You know who mine is?
- Huh?
- I thought about it.
- Erica savage.
- Ugh.
- Erica savage? Gross, J.
- Erica Sav… you don’t like
Erica savage?
- No, she’s crazy.
I don’t like Erica savage.
- She’s great.
- No, she’s not.
- She’s the opposite of you.
She’s, like, really free.
And like… you’re great.
You’re great.
But you’re a little rigid.
But she’s… I would go
in the other…
if you died, I would go
in the other direction.
I’d be like,
“I get somebody free.”
Like, she’s barefoot.
She likes to write songs.
She always has a guitar
in her back seat.
- So gross.
- She loves the beach.
- Yuck.
- And you know I love the beach.
- I do not love the beach.
- Right.
So that’s… mine would be Erica.
- Erica savage is bonkers.
I think she’s cra…
I mean, like,
do you remember that
she gave back her foster child?
Who does that?
- Oh, yeah, I think I remember
something about that.
But, you know, that foster child
was really rude.
She said those things
to the rabbi.
That was…
- she’s a child,
like, an abused…
- she called the rabbi a Jew
to his face.
That’s…
- All right,
well, I can’t even…
I don’t even know
how to begin with that.
- It didn’t work out.
It didn’t work out with…
you know, what are you gonna do?
- Jason, Erica’s crazy.
Just don’t tell her
about the mourn thing.
Just don’t…
- don’t tell her?
What do you think of me?
You are sensational.
I was just saying to busy
last night that, um…
- what?
You guys were talking about me?
- Well, I’m not… I’m not
supposed to tell you this.
I said, “if anything
ever happened to you”,
I would love for Erica savage
to be my mourn.”
- Your what?
Your mourn? What’s that?
- You never heard that term?
Your mourn?
It’s, uh, your mourn.
It’s like… it’s like, you know,
if your husband or wife dies,
it’s like,
who will be your mourn?
Who will you go to?
And I said, “Erica savage.”
‘Cause I think
we would get along great.
So…
- Uh… Thank you, I guess?
- You’re welcome.
- That’s kind of an awful thing
to think about.
It’s pretty morbid.
- Yeah, it’s a little morbid.
- Kind of weird.
- It’s a little…
yeah, it’s a little morbid.
- Kind of effed up.
- Sure, sure.
But I mean, you know…
- thanks for sharing that
with me.
- Yeah.
- So if your wife dies,
I’m the one.
I’ll be waiting for that.
I’m gonna be waiting for that.
Thanks a lot, Jason.
- No, no, that’s…
- No, I really appreciate it.
- Erica,
that’s not what I meant.
You…
I was trying to cheer you up,
Erica.
Good talk.
- Jason, I want you
to do something for me.
I want you to say, out loud,
“I am good enough.”
Go ahead and do that.
- I really don’t want
to do that.
- Mm, I know
you don’t want to do it,
but I think you should.
Go ahead and say it, out loud.
“I am good enough.”
Say it out loud.
I am good enough.
- How’d that feel?
I… okay.
- That’s right. Say it again.
“I am good enough.”
- Are you serious?
- Yes, I am.
- I am good enough.
- How’d that feel?
- Good.
- It felt pretty good, right?
- Yeah.
- Say it one more time, louder.
“I am good enough.”
- I AM GOOD ENOUGH.
- Now how’d that feel?
- Good.
- “I am a funny comedian,
and I can do anything.”
- I am a funny comedian,
and I can do anything.
- Right? Does that feel good?
- Yeah.
- “I can be successful
at comedy.”
- I can be successful at comedy.
- That’s right.
How’d that feel?
- Good.
- Give me some more.
What else can you do?
- I can, uh, get up on stage
and make people laugh.
- That’s right.
What else can you do?
- I can do anything
I put my mind to!
I can write screenplays!
- Mm, screenplays
are pretty hard.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Too hard for you.
- I just think
it’s really solid here.
I think we got…
I mean, I really think we got…
- it writes itself, right?
- Pretty much, and I think we
have a really good handle on it.
It’s just, we need to go over
a couple of these notes and…
- do you have any key points?
- Hi.
- Hey.
- Oh, good.
Okay, so you remember Chris.
- Jason, yeah, good to see you.
- Hi, Chris.
Good to see you again.
- CHRIS IS ONE OF THE CREATORS
OF VORTEX.
- Oh, yeah.
- AND WE GOT THE NEXT VORTEX
RIGHT HERE.
- YEAH, DID YOU SEE
THE VORTEX FINALE?
- OH, YEAH, VORTEX.
We’ve… we watched…
- what was your favorite part?
- Um… Well…
- You liked the surprise
at the end.
- Yeah.
- And the cliffhanger.
- The end.
- Thank you so much.
- When they all ended up
just being in the same place
they started…
- It has huge, huge numbers.
I mean…
- Now I’m blushing.
What are you working on?
- Well, I went and pitched
this thing to this guy,
and he sort of misheard me.
I said… I said
I was working on something
with David Fincher, maybe.
- I love David Fincher.
I’ve seen all of his stuff.
That’s great.
- Yeah.
- So it’s sort of like
a David Fincher meets…
like, updating it for…
- well, we’ll see.
We’ll see what the idea is…
- I SAW SOCIAL NETWORK.
- Okay, yeah.
- So good.
- IT’S ACTUALLY… THE SHOW
HAS TO BE CALLED ADVENTURE BABY
’cause he misheard me.
- Cool.
- But maybe I can…
- well, as long as you bring in
that David Fincher structure.
- I don’t know if they’ll…
I don’t know if they’ll be any…
- uh, so, J… so, listen, we’re
just nailing out this pitch,
’cause we have it on Monday,
and we need to work for two,
maybe three hours tops,
if you could watch the kids.
- By the way, this tile, unreal.
I love that you guys
are tile people.
- Yeah.
- We love it.
We love… we love doing
what busy wants to do.
So…
- J, it’s gonna be two,
three hours tops, work here,
and then if you can just
keep an eye on the kids.
And we’ll… – yeah.
- We’ll be done very soon.
- Of course.
Oh, looks like
there’s somebody here.
- Let me get that.
- Okay.
- Do you guys
want something to drink?
- Arnold Palmer.
- Arnold Palmer?
- What do you want?
- Gatorade.
- Gatorade. I don’t have…
I’ll see if I have gatorade.
- Hey!
- Hi.
- How are you doing?
- Really, really good.
How are you?
- I’m doing great.
Are you doing better
since the other day?
- Yeah, yeah.
You know, I thought about
what you were saying,
and I get it now.
- Oh, my God.
What I was saying was so stupid.
I am so sorry that…
- it’s not stupid, Jason.
I love you too.
- No, no, Erica,
that’s not what I was saying.
- I know you weren’t saying it
because you couldn’t say it.
We have to tell busy.
- Tell busy what?
- That we love each other
and we want to be together.
I can try to get Ariel back.
- I… I’m in love with busy.
I’m not…
I don’t want to be with you.
I just… I just was saying it
in a hypothetical scenario.
- It’s okay.
You don’t have to be scared.
- Erica, you have to go.
You’ve taken this
to the wrong place.
- Sometimes the wrong place
is the right place.
- And so we have to…
hey, who was at the door?
- Oh, uh, nobody. Nobody.
Um, you know what?
Let me get, uh…
- Ow.
- Oh, uh, nobody.
Oh, you know what?
I didn’t get the drinks.
- Okay.
- Let me get those drinks
for you guys.
- Erica? Oh, my…
what are you doing here?
- Hello.
- Whoa.
- Oh, Jason didn’t tell you
he just slammed the door
in my face?
- No.
No, he didn’t tell me that.
Jason…
- and that we’re in love
with each other.
- Oh, good lord.
- That’s not what I said, Erica.
I simply said, if busy died,
that you would be my mourn,
that I would want to be
with you.
- I know.
- Just like if I died…
- No.
- Chris would be busy’s mourn.
That’s all I said.
- Jason,
I want to be with you too.
Let’s just all tell the truth
to each other.
- Okay, I’ll tell you the truth.
Busy was right.
You are crazy,
and you need to leave.
- Yeah, right.
- Just…
- Hey, are you dating anyone?
- How do you mean?
- Erica, go.
- I’m right across the street,
if you want to come over
after your meeting.
ASSHOLE.
- She’s cute.
- I am so sorry.
- IT’S FUNNY, THAT WHOLE MOURN
THING WE DID ON MY SHOW, VORTEX.
- No, no, that’s my thing.
That’s my idea.
- You must’ve taken it
from the show,
because we did it years ago.
OH, MY God, HE’S RIGHT.
It was, like, the end
of the first season, right?
There was a whole episode
about your mourn.
It was just… it was one episode,
to be fair.
- Yeah, I guess…
no, I guess that’s yours, so…
- How about those drinks, man?
- Yeah. Yeah, the drinks.
- Thanks, man.
- Busy was around
successful dudes all the time.
It was like a parade
of white guys exactly like me,
only they all had
health insurance.
I knew if our relationship
was gonna survive,
I HAD TO MAKE
ADVENTURE BABY WORK.
- Ha! That’s great.
- It’s funny, right?
- Yeah.
- So that’s it, you know.
ADVENTURE BABY.
He’s a baby,
and, you know, he gambles
and he smokes cigarettes
and he fights crime.
And he smokes… he smokes pot.
- Yeah.
- I love that.
And obviously, it doesn’t
have to be real pot,
because the parents of the
babies that you get to play this
are not gonna…
they’re obviously gonna say,
“I don’t want my baby
smoking real pot.”
- The… uh, the cartoon.
- What?
- This is gonna be a cartoon.
ADVENTURE BABY WILL BE
AN ANIMATED PROJECT.
- Oh…
- Yeah, I had a feeling…
- Oh!
- ‘Cause we said that,
but I feel like you maybe
you didn’t hear it.
- The whole show is a cartoon.
- Yeah.
- So you’re just drawing
the baby.
- Yeah, this is…
this is animated.
- I thought this was just, like,
a reference drawing for casting.
- No, it’s not live action.
- Yeah.
- Okay, that makes it…
that’s a good change,
because it makes it a lot easier
to shoot, you know,
than if it had to be
a real baby.
- IT’S ALL LOONEY TUNES.
- Well, whatever.
- Yeah.
- But you know what?
I don’t care whether you draw it
on a cave,
whether you hand it out
on pamphlets,
or whatever you do with it.
I think this is great.
I really love this.
I’m so glad that tidal
brought this to me.
- I want to do this.
- Booyah!
Oh-oh, yeah!
Oh, man.
I… I’m sorry.
I really needed a sale
this week.
I am this close to foreclosure.
This is just…
this is exciting.
GOOD. OKAY.
- L’CHAIM.
- It feels good, man.
This is it.
- That was a good day.
- I feel like
I can just breathe.
- Hey, speaking of, it turns out
Karen and I go to the same
therapist as you and busy.
- Okay, yeah, yeah. Dr. Glenn.
- Dr. Glenn.
- Yeah?
You guys are going there?
- Yeah.
So he said something
kind of weird.
“Listen, man, whatever you say,
I’m with you.”
Did he do that to you?
- Yeah, yeah, he said…
- he did that to you too?
- He said the same thing to me.
She walked out of the room,
and he leaned in,
and he was like,
“you’re a bro. I’m your bro.”
He did that to you too?
- Yeah, he was totally like,
“whatever you say,
I’m gonna take your side.”
- Isn’t that amazing?
He’s cool.
- I got to tell you, man,
I’m not comfortable with that.
That feels like lying.
We got to come clean
about this, man.
- Mm-mm.
- This is just eating me up
inside.
I can’t sleep from the guilt.
We need to talk about this.
- No, no, you’ll be fine.
- You want to say something?
- I don’t.
I don’t want to say anything.
Do you?
- I’ll keep my mouth shut, but…
- Yeah.
- Yikes.
- Yeah, I think that’s best,
’cause, you know,
he’s the professional.
I would like to make a toast
to my wife, busy.
You have been incredible
through this whole thing.
Thank you so much
for standing by me.
And, um, you’re awesome.
I don’t know what I would be
without you.
So thank you.
- Okay, I got to get something
off my chest.
- No, no, no, no, no.
Ted, you don’t
have to say anything.
- I have to.
- Ted, you don’t have to.
You don’t have to do that.
- That therapist we’ve
been seeing is lying to you.
He told Jason and I…
took us aside
and said that he was on our side
no matter what
and he would always take our
side in any argument that arose,
and it has been sitting
on my chest.
I’m SO SORRY.
- Jason, did he say that to you?
- Um… I’m trying to think.
Did he say that?
I mean, I thought… yeah.
Yeah, he did.
He did say something like that.
- And you lied to me?
You thought that that was okay?
You lied to me?
- No, no, wait, wait, wait.
Now, that’s not lying.
I played within the confines.
- Um, I think it’s time for me
to take care of my side
of the street.
It’s truth time.
None of my part of it
is real either.
- What… what do you mean?
- Just blazers media, all that.
I have a disease.
I’m a pathological liar,
and my therapist told me
to confront the people
that I’ve lied to.
And so there’s no blazers media
or any of it.
None of it’s real.
- We went over there.
We went to the building.
We… there was a sign.
- There was a sign and a couch
and books on the walls.
- I mean, there are couches
in most buildings,
and then as far
as the sign goes,
I’m pretty handy with Photoshop,
’cause I was
a graphic design major.
You know what?
That’s not true either.
- Ted…
- I didn’t really go to college.
- Ted, I thought
you checked him out.
- I mean, I gave him a call,
but we had to cut off
the Internet at work, man.
I had to cut everything out.
We haven’t had Internet
at the office for… I don’t know.
I want to say three…
three, four weeks now. Yeah.
- No, no, no,
what about Marty Denman?
Who… we talked to Marty Denman.
- Yeah, he owes my father
$200,000,
so he’ll basically do
whatever I ask him to.
I mean, he’d bury a body
if you guys had one.
I don’t know if you…
- wait a minute. Wait a minute.
You’re a pathological liar,
and…
Then this is a lie right now.
You’re lying.
- This is another lie.
- It’s another one of your lies.
Because this is all…
it couldn’t possibly
all be fake.
- It’d be awesome if this was…
- this is one of your lies,
right?
- It’s really not.
This is one of the only true
things I’ve said
in three months.
It’s hard to be around people
who make excuses.
It’s even harder to think that
you might be
one of those people.
And as far as my relationship,
you can only fail
in front of the same person
so many times.
- Hey, look out!
Underwear shot.
- Hey.
- Hey, did you just
throw these at me?
- I’m sorry.
We know each other.
We know each other,
so I thought…
- Oh, okay. All right.
We know each other, okay.
We met before?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Through your podcast.
- So you were on the podcast?
You…
- no, um, actually, no,
I’m a listener.
So… So I know you through that.
- Right.
So I wouldn’t know you.
I wouldn’t… I wouldn’t…
I wouldn’t know you through…
necessarily, unless we had
some interaction or…
- no.
- Do we…
have we spoken before?
- No. No.
- Don’t be upset.
That’s okay. I love it.
Listen.
Honestly, this is, like…
that’s probably
the coolest thing
that’s happened to me
in two months, so…
- whatever.
I think you’re really funny.
So right now, I’m doing
the dog-walking thing,
but I’m also working on
this astrological handbook
and I’m also doing
this sex toy business
with my best friend, Ethnie.
But I’m also just trying to
keep time open for a boyfriend
’cause I really
want a boyfriend.
Is it bad to say
that I want a boyfriend?
- No, no, not at all.
I think that’s really good.
Say exactly what you want.
- I mean, I’m not one of those
women that’s like,
“I must get married.”
- Yeah.
- I mean, I will eventually
fucking kill you
if you don’t marry me.
- Yeah, well,
maybe don’t say that.
- HEY.
Oh, you still
wear your wedding ring.
- Oh, yeah, you know, I…
honestly,
I didn’t even know it was on.
I probably should take that off.
PROBABLY SHOULD…
She’s not coming back.
Throw it away.
I really should keep it on here,
though,
’cause it’s the best way
to not lose it.
- Right. Listen.
Let me give you…
if I have one… a card.
Um, only if you want some
advertisements on your podcast
because another job I do
is to help people find sponsors.
So that’s my number.
- Um…
- Okay.
- You have a ton of jobs.
- I do.
I mean, I don’t want you
to think I’m, like,
one of those people
that’s all over the place.
‘Cause I am
a really solid person.
- Yeah.
Your panties
are over there still.
- Oh.
- You want to hear
my Neil diamond song?
- Jason.
- ♪ Food!
♪ I been eating some – Jason.
- ♪ I love you, food
- Jason,
I have to tell you something.
Please,
I just need to say this and…
- what is it, baby?
Um…
When I was in Arizona
for work…
I cheated on you
with Dan morrison.
- Oh, my God.
Really?
- I didn’t sleep with him
or anything, Jason, we just…
I was really drunk,
and we fooled around.
And I feel… I don’t know.
It was so weird, and I’m…
I’m so sorry, Jason.
And I just… I’ve been
beating myself up about it
for two weeks,
and I just didn’t know
if I should even tell you.
And, God, I’m just so sorry.
I can’t believe I would…
I don’t know why I…
it’s just so stupid.
I’m so sorry.
- Hey. It’s okay.
No worries.
Who cares?
- What?
- I don’t care.
- What do you… what do you…
what do you mean, “who cares”?
- It doesn’t bother me.
Do you love him?
- No, of course
I don’t love him, Jason.
- Okay,
so then what’s the big deal?
So you hooked up.
No big deal.
Oh, God.
You know what?
I’m gonna go to sleep
before I eat the fridge.
All right.
Will you lock up
and, you know, do the lights?
I love you.
I’ll see you upstairs.
To be married,
you got to be normal.
You got to care
about normal things
that normal people care about.
Like tile and thank you notes.
And, yes, I cared
that she was with someone else.
But saying that I didn’t
was the only way
I could have some power.
I was the shit spouse
in that relationship,
the person
who waits for the cable guy
or takes an animal
to the hospital
when he needs to be put down.
And with busy,
everything was about her
and her life.
- I’m so glad that
we finally worked this out
and you guys could make it over.
It’s great.
And, Andy, seriously,
we would love to work with you
on something this year.
- Oh, I’m glad somebody
wants to work with me.
- Everybody wants
to work with you.
I’m just glad that
we’re getting to know you guys,
because friendship
is so important.
I had to cut off a friend
this morning.
- Oh, no.
- What happened?
- Remember how I told you
I took a picture of my kid
watching the
shake weight commercial?
- Right.
- So funny.
- And it’s like, you know,
a woman is shaking a weight,
like, doing this gesture
right in front of her breasts.
Anyway, I put it on Facebook,
I told my friends.
Like, I locked the privacy down.
I said, don’t share this
with anybody.
It’s a picture of my kid,
but it’s so funny.
- Of course.
- And this woman
put it on her tumblr blog.
- A picture of my kid.
That’s the ultimate invasion.
- You don’t do that.
- No.
- You don’t do that.
There are so many pedophiles
out there.
- Right.
- And believe me,
I know how perverted I am.
- Just cut ‘em off. That’s it.
I said, no more.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Wow.
- Burn me once,
you’re out of here.
- Just like that. Just…
- YEAH.
- Cut ‘em out, huh?
- Sure.
- Wow. That’s awesome.
You know, ’cause…
that’s so funny,
’cause, like, I mean,
I don’t know you that well.
But you seem… you seem so nice.
Like, it’s just… – I am nice.
But don’t cross me.
Cross me once,
and you’re gone, Jason Nash.
- Okay, Sarah.
I… I won’t…
I won’t cross you.
- SHE’S NOT KIDDING.
- Okay.
J, why don’t we get some
drinks out here.
Andy doesn’t have anything.
What would you like?
- Water’s fine.
- Water? Great.
- Oh, my God.
Andy Richter and his wife,
Sarah, are so cool.
- I know.
- Hey.
I think he really likes me.
- Okay, no.
No, please, do not ask him
to do your podcast.
- That’s not what I’m saying.
I can see the little wheels
in your brain turning.
- Well, why can’t I ask him
to do my podcast?
- Because you do it with Dennis,
and that guy is a moron.
He’s the worst,
especially with celebrities.
What did he say to Liam Neeson?
- HE TOLD HIM HE THOUGHT
SCHINDLER’S LIST WAS TOO LONG.
- See? That’s what I’m saying.
That’s crazy.
- It is a little long.
- Oh, hey, look at you.
You are, like,
king of the dipshits.
- King of the dipshits?
- It’s pretty…
- is that a reference
to me and my friends?
- Yes.
- Really?
- You are.
- Yeah?
- Look, all I’m saying…
this is my point.
Don’t blow your wad
with Andy Richter
on some stupid podcast
that no one’s gonna even hear.
- You know,
I sort of think you owe me,
considering…
What happened in scottsdale.
So, Andy Richter,
thank you so much
for being here for the hour.
- Thank you for having me.
It was great.
Had a good time.
- Yeah, it’s good, right?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It was painless.
Painless. I expected more pain.
- I just want to say
I SAW NEW YORK MINUTE LAST WEEK,
AND, UH…
- Here comes the pain.
It was pretty unfunny.
I mean, well,
when I said “pretty unfunny,”
I mean, really, really unfunny.
- WHAT’S NEW YORK MINUTE?
- It’s a movie I did
with the Olsen twins…
- What is it?
- A number of years ago.
- Wait. What’s the movie?
- IT’S CALLED NEW YORK MINUTE.
The Olsen twins.
It was a feature film
that they did,
and I was in it.
- I guess it was
an artistic choice
to do an Olsen twins’ movie.
Oh, and also the Chinese accent
you do is really offensive.
- Wait, you do
a Chinese accent in it?
- Yeah, a really offensive
Chinese accent.
- Nah, it wasn’t that offensive.
- What are you doing?
What are you doing?
- It was kind of funny.
- What are you doing?
Why are you doing this?
Why… why… don’t do this.
This is our guest.
- I just kind of brought it up.
- Don’t be…
- why would a man your…
a man with gray in his beard
be watching
the Olsen twins’ movie
just a couple of weeks ago?
- Oh, why would a man your age
be doing the Olsen twins’ movie?
- Dennis.
- No questions…
why would… – just stop, okay?
Dennis, just do the…
- Is that perv?
Is that some kind of perv…
- Andy, I’m really sorry.
I’m just… just do the technical
end of the podcast.
- Anyway…
- Sorry.
- Andy, it’s been a great hour.
You know,
Andy and Sarah were, Dennis,
they were up at my house
the other day.
- We had a very nice time.
- What a beautiful wife.
- Oh, thank you.
- She is…
- I hope she didn’t have
a little too much to drink.
- She had a little to drink.
She’s fun. She’s fun.
- She gets a little crazy.
She likes her white wine.
- Yeah, she does.
- Sometimes, you know,
she gets a little feisty,
but you know,
it’s got its upside too.
Sometimes it makes her
a little frisky.
- Really?
- Yeah.
So I get to… you know,
I get the benefits
of that sometimes.
The insistence.
- Like sex? She’s sexual?
She’s a little… gets horny?
- I maybe have been pulled into
a couple of bathrooms
here and there.
Which is really…
- Are you serious?
- At, like, a party?
- A joy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I… but…
- wait a minute. Wait a minute.
So Sarah, nice Sarah
the wonderful, charming Sarah
will go to a party…
- Yes, I’m… oh, I’m in so much
trouble for saying that.
- And pull you
into the bathroom,
and you’ll have sex
in the bathroom?
- I will leave it up to your
imagination as to what we do.
- Oh. I love…
I mean, I just…
I love her so much more now.
- Well, don’t love her too much.
- I thought I loved her a lot…
- Yeah.
- And now she’s, like,
a ten in my book.
- Great. Okay.
- Sarah.
- Fuck!
- Fuck.
- What?
- Shit! It’s gone.
Fuck!
Oh, no, no, no. Don’t crash!
It crashed!
Fuck! Fuck!
Fuck! It crashed!
It’s gone!
Everything we just did,
it’s fuckin’…
- all right, so take it easy.
- You fuckin’ take it easy!
You fuckin’ take it easy!
- Right? Take it easy?
- Calm down!
- It’s gone!
- Stop yelling.
- Fuck, man!
Fuck!
Oh, fuck!
- Dennis, will you stop?
- Will you calm down?
- Shit!
You don’t even know
what I’m doing!
You don’t even know
what “crash” means!
- Yeah, I…
- You don’t even give a shit!
- I know what “crash” means.
- Neither does this
fuckin’ asshole.
Jesus Christ!
It’s fuckin’ gone.
No fuckin’ way.
FUCK!
- Is he okay?
- Oh, yeah, he… yeah.
No, he flips out
every once in a while.
- Yeah, yeah.
Uh, he might need some help.
- He’s actually really good
technically.
- Okay.
Um, I wanted to ask you
before I go.
Uh, it’s totally my fault.
I brought it up.
But could you please
cut out the part
where I talk about my wife
and the drinking
and the sex and the…
I should not have brought it up.
I’m sorry.
But I do not want that on
the podcast if that’s possible.
- I totally understand.
Of course.
And you know what?
The whole episode is lost, so…
- Oh.
So he wasn’t able to get it…
he was…
- no.
- It’s gone.
- Yeah, so I don’t even
have to cut anything out,
’cause nothing is…
nothing is going out.
- So this has all been a waste
of everyone’s time then.
- Yeah.
- Wow. That… that is a drag.
That is a real…
- Yeah, I know.
- I… um…
- Uh…
- And I would say “let’s go back
in and do it again,” but…
- no, no, no, I can’t. I can’t.
- Yeah, of course.
No, I get it.
I get it.
- All right, well, thanks.
See you later.
- See you… see you later, Andy!
We’ll talk soon.
But… we’ll be able to do it
again or…
- no fuckin’ way!
Fuck!
- Jason, I just don’t get it.
Did you really not care
that I was with someone else?
- Um, I mean, I guess.
I guess I…
yeah, I mean, I cared.
I mean, I care about you,
but I mean,
what do you want me to do?
You want me to go over there
and start a fight with the guy?
- I don’t… I don’t know.
- Yeah, maybe. Sure.
- Oh, that’s…
that’s ridiculous.
Oh, and what… no, I want you to
do something, you know?
I just feel like your reaction…
I don’t know, Jason.
Maybe there’s something
wrong with you.
- Well, you know,
I’m not possessive.
I’m not a possessive person.
If you want to go be with
that guy, you go be with him.
- I don’t want to…
- I know you don’t.
I know you don’t want to
be with him.
I know that.
But it’s like, um, you know,
this is our thing,
you know what I mean?
Like, this is… remember
when we first started dating,
and, like, I didn’t care?
Like, that got you
more interested in me.
Like, when you think about it…
- that’s really not true, Jason.
And I don’t want you to
get out of this by doing bits.
I want to have a real
conversation with you.
- Let’s have it.
Let’s have
an adult conversation.
Oh, God. Okay, I got to…
I have to take this.
- Jason.
Just…
- hey, Dennis, what’s up?
- Hey, man, good news.
I was able to recover
that Richter episode,
and I uploaded it.
- What?
- Yeah.
A couple of sites
already picked it up,
so it’s going crazy.
Must be all that stuff about him
having public sex with his wife,
which is disgusting.
- No. Dennis, no.
He wanted that stuff taken out.
You got to take the episode down
right now.
- I can’t. I already put it up.
It’s already out there.
I can’t.
- Oh, jeez.
This is Andy Richter calling me
right now.
Take the episode down.
Hi, Andy.
- Yeah, hey, Jason.
Uh, you told me
you were gonna take that down.
- Andy, I am so sorry.
I know what I said.
And it’s a funny thing with me.
Things seem to go poorly
when I’m around them.
Don’t know how else to say it.
- Yeah,
Sarah wants to talk to you.
- You know what?
I don’t need to talk to Sarah.
Just tell her
I’m very, very sorry.
Send her my…
- You lying piece of shit.
Sad sack asshole.
You betrayed our trust.
I told you not to cross me,
Jason Nash.
Uh-huh.
You’re dead to me.
You’re dead to me!
And you’re dead to Andy.
Tell him he’s dead to you.
He’s dead to you.
- You’re dead to me.
- HELLO?
Hello?
- I want a divorce.
Do you have someplace to go?
What do you care?
When you get separated,
two voices go off in your head.
The first voice goes,
“don’t be a dick.
You’re not as important
as you think you are.”
And the second voice goes,
“fuck this.
This is not what
I wanted my life to look like.”
I have a friend
who doesn’t come see me anymore
because his wife is afraid
that they’ll hit a deer
on the highway.
It’s a totally irrational fear.
And he’ll call me,
and he’ll say,
“oh, man,
“j, I’d love to come down
this weekend,
“but, you know,
Megan’s worried about the deer.”
And he’s fine with that.
He totally accepts that
as his reality.
And that’s what marriage is.
It’s basically what
you’re willing to put up with.
- ♪ Hold on
- I was really excited
that you asked me out.
- Yeah? Why’s that?
- I don’t know.
I just… I feel like
I’ve dated so many baby men.
And you’re, like, mature.
- Well…
- You know?
And I would be lying
if I didn’t say how much I love
seeing your chest hair
snake out of your shirt.
- Oh.
OH, YEAH.
Hey, you like the front,
you should see the back, huh?
IT’S LIKE…
“YOU SHOULD SEE THE BACK.”
- Did you think that was funny?
- That was really funny.
- You like that one?
- It’s really, really,
really funny.
Look, and I’m sorry that
I was arguing with you before.
You know, I just…
I think you’re being
too hard on yourself.
Like, you’re a guy.
You don’t want to go antiquing.
You don’t want to pick out
some stupid tile bullshit.
And that’s just… that’s it.
- Yeah.
- I mean, honestly,
your wife sounds like a lot.
Like she was difficult.
- I don’t know.
That’s what it is. You know?
Your marriage
is this crazy compromise.
And, like,
one person wants Italian
and one person wants Chinese,
then they argue
for a little while,
and then they just end up
somewhere that nobody wanted.
So two people are just
sitting in a restaurant,
and they’re like,
“did you want this?”
And the other person’s like,
“no.”
And then, like, “did you want”…
like, “no.”
And that’s why we have
cheesecake factory.
- You’re completely wrong.
I feel sorry for you.
I mean, that… that’s not
what marriage is at all.
It’s not supposed to be
that hard.
Marriage is supposed to be
where two people fall in love,
and they are together.
And together,
they can accomplish
anything that
they’ve ever wanted.
They can… they can accomplish
their dreams.
And I’m sorry,
but it sounds like, you know,
your marriage just, like,
it’s a good thing
that it didn’t work out.
- You really think that?
- Yeah.
- Oh, you poor feygele.
I feel so bad for you, Jason.
I can’t believe…
this is such a nightmare.
I can’t believe
that this is happening.
- It’s okay.
- This is a terrible thing.
- No, no, don’t be upset.
- Oh, my God.
This is awful.
What about the kids? The kids.
Oh, my God.
- They’ll be okay.
- Why is this happening,
feygele?
It… you’re so perfect
in every way.
You’re a perfect father.
You’re a perfect husband.
You’re such a wonderful person,
and you’re so handsome.
- Do me a favor.
I want you to tell me…
tell me something negative
about myself.
I want you to tell me.
- Well,
the only thing I can think of
is, you’re so smart,
and you’re so fast
and your mind works so quickly
and you’re so far ahead
of everybody else that,
you know, sometimes that may be
intimidating to someone.
- Right.
- They’re intimidated by me.
- Yeah.
- The fact that I…
- It could be.
- The fact
that I don’t have a job,
and I owe the government
$30,000.
- So listen,
while we’re talking,
I have an appointment at saks,
and I have to get…
I have a new product
that I’m promoting.
It’s called delectable face.
- So what do you…
do you eat it?
Is it… do you eat it?
- No, no, no.
It’s… a pleasant product.
Delectable means to be pleasant
on your face.
- It’s an odd name.
- One of the things
I’m gonna do today is,
I’m gonna interview people
because I need people
to work for me
to promote the product.
- I could
do something like that.
I mean, maybe
I could work for you…
do you think
I could do that or…
- yeah, you could use
your improv skills
to sell the product.
It would be great.
With your looks
and your personality
- yeah?
- And you’ve got comic timing.
You know what the best part
of this whole thing is, doll?
- What?
- We’re gonna
get to spend time together!
Oh, I’m so excited!
- This is it, man.
This is it. This is the ticket.
- I think that’s the worst name
of any product of all time.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Delectable face?
No, it’s really good.
- No, it sounds like somebody’s
going to eat your face.
- You got… you don’t know a lot
about words, but words…
- did you even
know what that meant
before you started
working there?
- No, I had to look it up.
- Right. Yeah.
- Nash?
- Hey!
- Hey!
Oh, my gosh.
So good to see you.
How are you doing?
- Jeff Grayson.
- Yeah, uh, Jeff Grayson.
- Hey, Walter.
- How are you doing?
- Hey.
- I’m headed right over
to the Nick Swardson show.
We’re just…
- you know, I’m not in
the industry, so I don’t care.
- All right.
You know, I don’t know if
you would be interested in this.
Would you want to
as a writer
or a writer/performer?
- Oh, you know what?
I’m not…
I’m not doing that anymore.
I’m out of the comedy game,
and I’m working
over at delectable face.
- Oh, is that… so it’s like
food you put on your face?
- No, it’s not like food.
It’s… it’s a different meaning
of “delectable.”
Like “pleasing.”
“Delectable”
also means “pleasing.”
- I always think of…
delectable as, like,
a culinary connotation
or it makes me think of…
- there’s a couple meanings
of “delectable,”
and you need to use
the other meaning.
It’s… you know what?
It’s really gonna work out.
- Okay. Well, if you…
I mean,
I would read anything
that you wrote.
- Thanks a lot.
That’s a really nice thing
to say, and…
thank you. That means a lot.
- So good to see you.
- Yeah.
- It was nice to meet you.
- See you, Jeff.
Slap! OW!
Oh, my God.
What the hell was that for?
- What the hell was that for?
First you let some guy
sleep with your wife
and now he’s offering you
a writing job?
- I’m not gonna get that job.
That job is a waste of time.
- That guy was begging you
to take the job.
- No, he wasn’t.
- You got to get back
to crazy Nash.
Level-headed crazy.
That’s what works, okay?
That’s our friendship.
If it’s just level-headed,
level-headed, it doesn’t work.
- Look, I’m sorry, dude.
I didn’t mean to hit you
in the face.
I get it.
Just drop me off here.
There’s a bus.
- There he is.
That’s Dan morrison.
- Who’s that?
- That’s the guy
busy cheated with.
- Wait. Dude.
Okay, man, listen.
This is not a good idea.
Okay, I know what you’re doing.
I know I said
I wanted crazy Nash back,
but this is the wrong way to go,
dude.
- I’ll be right back, Walter.
- No, no, no, no, no.
It’s a bad idea, dude.
- Hey!
- Hey, can I help you, buddy?
- Yeah, you could tell me
how this tastes for lunch.
- Smack!
- OH!
Oh, my God. Oh.
- Are you all right?
- What the fuck, man?
Why’d you hit me?
- Stay away from my wife, Dan.
- Dan!
Dan, you got to get out here.
- I’m not Dan. I’m bill.
- Almost done with this…
- Huh?
- I’m not Dan. I’m bill.
- Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. What did you do?
What did you do?
Are you all right, bill?
- He hit me.
He hit me.
- Oh, my God.
You got the wrong guy.
I’m Dan. This is bill.
YOU HIT THE WRONG GUY.
- What did you do this for?
- You hit…
you hit a guy with cancer.
He’s got cancer.
- Really?
- Yes.
- But I…
- we’ve met a ton of times.
You don’t recognize me?
- Really?
- Yeah, like, 20…
you came to my wedding.
- I did?
- Yes.
You came to my wedding.
- I don’t remember.
- Are you that self-involved,
Jason?
That you don’t even recognize
the guy you’re beating up?
- Well, listen, you guys…
I mean, you look exactly alike.
- NOT REALLY, ACTUALLY.
- NO.
- We look nothing alike.
Just ’cause we’re bald?
- Shut up, Walter.
- Yeah, you could throw me in,
I mean…
- yeah, do we look alike?
- That’s enough.
Okay, shut up right now.
You fooled around with my wife,
and that’s unacceptable,
unacceptable to me.
I’m sorry I hit your friend
who has cancer.
- It’s okay, I just lost my cool
for a second.
You know what?
I’m in remission five years.
Thank God for that.
- Five years?
I mean, you don’t really
have cancer anymore, right?
Kind of… – what?
Yes, it’s cancer.
- Of course it’s cancer.
- Just… I live a life of fear.
- You’re kind of in the clear,
though.
I mean, right?
- Not in the clear.
- No.
- You do kind of use it
as a crutch sometimes.
- All right, that’s enough!
That’s enough!
Okay, well, you stay away
from my wife, all right?
- You got that?
- Yes.
- Okay?
- Of course.
- Or I’ll come back and hit
your friend in the face again
who may or may not have cancer.
- He has…
- I have cancer.
- Definitely,
definitely has cancer.
- Not as much anymore.
- Okay, you know what?
You just calm down, Andy, okay?
- One day, you wake up
and you realize
that life is not about
the big swings.
Life is about doing
exactly what’s in front of you
at that moment.
I would get that job,
pay back the money
I owe to the government,
and then maybe
busy would take me back.
Hi, I’m Jason Nash…
- Uh, can you take a seat?
- Uh, yeah.
- Jason,
they’re ready for you now.
- Oh. Okay.
- In here?
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah, you can totally
do your alien voice.
- Oh, yeah, like that…
WELCOME TO THE PLANET EARTH.
- Jeff, how you doing?
- Hey, you’re here.
- This is Jason Nash, everybody.
- I’m Frank.
- Hey, what’s up, man? Nick.
- Hey, Nick, nice to meet you.
- Yeah, good to meet you.
- Yeah.
Thanks so much.
- Yeah, of course.
Thanks for coming in, man.
- Uh, we loved
everything that you did.
You really nailed it.
The packet was hysterical,
so great job on that.
Nick, uh…
- Hilarious, dude. Hilarious.
Like, Jeff doesn’t recommend
anybody, and he was, like,
gave me the full pitch,
and we loved it.
Yeah, really funny.
Really original.
Really psyched,
and you got the job, dude.
- Yeah.
- Congratulations.
- Congrats, man, welcome aboard.
SO GREAT.
- Welcome.
- Oh, my God.
- Congrats, man.
- Are you crying?
Oh, my God.
I’m so sorry.
I just had a really hard year.
- It’s cool. Could you not cry?
Just… it’s bumming me out.
- Yeah. I’m so sorry.
- It’s okay.
You don’t have to write down
“crying.”
- I didn’t mean to cry.
I just…
it just means so much to me.
I’m a huge fan of yours.
And I’ve been…
I’ve been, like…
I’ve been watching your career
for so long.
And you’re so funny.
And it’s like, you know,
to have you…
to have you approve me…
It just… it just means
the fuckin’ world.
Oh, Nick,
I’m so sorry I’m crying.
Jeff, I’m so sorry.
- It’s okay.
- It’s okay.
- It’s okay, buddy.
- It’s a big moment.
It’s just this means so much.
You know what?
I’m just… I’m just gonna go.
Thank you.
- Oh, yeah, thanks, man.
- Hold on, hold on, hold on.
Stay, stay, stay for a second.
It’s okay.
- Oh, yeah.
- It’s okay.
- Yeah.
- It’s okay.
- No, I shouldn’t…
- We understand.
- I shouldn’t leave yet.
- No.
- It’s a big deal.
- Yeah.
- Take a second.
Just take a second.
There’s a lot of stuff
to go over.
Do you have any questions
about how it works
or anything about the job?
- Yeah, what…
what are the hours?
- Um, we come in
about 9:00 A.M. Every day,
and we leave around,
what, 10:00 P.M., 10:30?
- Yeah.
- That’s…
that’s a lot of hours.
- Yeah, it’s a full hour
of originally programming
every day, so…
- is that too many or…
- no.
I mean… I mean, yeah, it is.
BUT, OBVIOUSLY…
I want the job.
- I mean, it is a lot.
It’s a lot for me,
you know what I mean?
It’s tedious, but, you know.
- I just… I worry about it,
’cause I was really fat
as a child,
and I actually went through
a lot last year.
I lost about 30 pounds.
Yeah, and I did Nutrisystem.
So I just worry that,
you know, like, I’ll…
I won’t be able to go to the gym
with those hours.
He’s messing with us.
- WHAT?
- He’s doing the…
he’s saying the most…
he’s saying the most… not is it
only the most awkward thing,
it’s the thing that we’re also
the most sensitive about.
It’s a character.
- You’ve gained weight.
You gained weight.
So he’s making everybody…
- I’m messing with you guys!
Yeah.
I was messing with you guys.
- That is a bit.
Which is… – awkward guy.
- Awkward.
- Awkward?
- The most… not…
the most awkward.
- Love the show.
I can’t wait
to start working on it.
- Cool, man.
- Is this you right here?
- This is me.
- This is great.
- Yeah.
- Great part of town.
- I love it.
- Yeah.
Really nice.
- Thanks.
- It was really fun.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
I had a really good time.
- Me too.
- Good.
So we should do it again.
- Well, did you want to come in?
- Uh…
Yeah, I don’t know.
- Yeah, okay.
- Yeah, good.
- I’ll COME IN, I GUESS.
- Come in.
- Come on.
- I’ll check it out.
Hey! Great news.
- Jason,
what are you doing here?
I thought we agreed
that you were gonna call
before you came over.
You can’t just walk in
like this.
- I know. I know.
I wanted to come over in person
and tell you something.
- This is just… hi.
- You… j, you remember Chris,
right?
- Hey.
- Hey.
- How you doing?
- Good.
- I thought you guys weren’t
working together anymore.
- Yeah, no, we’re not.
- No.
No, I wanted to come
check out the tile…
Again.
- Oh.
- It’s so…
it’s… your tile…
I’m redoing my bathroom.
And I wanted to see
a bunch of tile.
- Yeah.
Came over to check out the tile.
- Yeah, it was…
I needed another look.
It’s really great.
- Jason,
what’d you want to tell me?
- Oh, um…
I just came from the interview.
I got the job.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
Well, congratulations.
That’s really good for you.
We’re kind of
in the middle of this,
so maybe I can just
call you later?
All right?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- Yeah, okay.
- All right.
- Um…
So I’ll just…
I’ll call you on the cell?
- No, I’ll call you…
j, I’ll call you later.
- ♪ I am my mother’s only one
♪ It’s enough
♪ I wear my garment
so it shows ♪
♪ Now you know
♪ ooh-ooh
♪ Only love is all maroon
- Oh, wow. This is great.
- Rose is okay.
- We have a connection.
- ♪ She’s the moon
♪ I am my mother on the wall
♪ With us all
♪ I move in water
- you know what?
Actually, I have… let me just
throw some toothpaste
in my mouth,
’cause I don’t know…
I don’t know
what’s going on
with after dinner right…
just real quick. I’m so sorry.
Just give me one second.
- ♪ Only love is all maroon
♪ Lapping lakes
like leery loons ♪
♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh
♪ sky is womb
and she’s the moon ♪
♪ Ooh
♪ Only love is all maroon
♪ lapping lakes
like leery loons ♪
♪ Ooh-ooh
♪ sky is womb
and she’s the moon ♪
♪ Ah-ah-ah
So that’s it.
I still live alone.
I still see my kids
almost every day.
I still love her.
And I can make a grand gesture
and go to the drugstore and
buy some magazines
and cut out little pictures
of all the things
that she loves…
Show her
that I can participate…
And tape them all into a book…
Take it down to her work.
Is, uh… Is busy around?
- Okay, they’re having a really
hard time there right now.
They’re in crisis mode.
So if you want to just
leave that thing with me,
I’ll make sure she sees it.
She needs to see that.
- Mm-hmm.
- So you make sure
that she gets that.
- Okay, have a great day.
Thanks for stopping by.
And she would know,
in that moment,
that I loved her more than
anything in the world.
- ♪ I need to bring you
back into ♪
- The only thing
I ever really wanted
was to take care of her.
And I’m sorry if it’s too late.
And she would run.
- Oh, my God.
Jason!
Jason!
You did the book.
- You did my book.
- Yeah.
- You did my book.
Thank you.
- I could do all those things…
But it’s not that simple.
- ♪ If you are serious
♪ I’ll be serious too
♪ I’ll rip your heart out
like you want me to ♪
♪ I am serious
♪ are you serious?
♪ I’ll kiss your mouth
♪ and you’ll be better for it
♪ If you are serious
♪ I’ll be serious too
♪ I’ll rip your heart out
like you want me to ♪
♪ Why are you laughing?
♪ This is serious
♪ I can love you
like I want to ♪
♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
♪ ooh-ooh
♪ ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
♪ ooh-ooh
♪ ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
♪ ooh-ooh
♪ ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh

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Subtitles “Believe” Second Chance – english eng English

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Previously on Believe…
– Bo, who is that?
– Dani.
Her readings are the
strongest we’ve seen since Bo.
She’s had a difficult past, Roman.
didn’t kill their brother.
This heavy bookcase at our house,
it fell on top of him.
Dr. Winter did a good job with you,
didn’t he?
Taught you to meditate to prevent anyone
from getting inside that mind of yours.
I don’t care who she is.
You may feel differently soon.
Look out!
[Gunshot]
You won’t survive
if we don’t get you to a hospital.
Then find me one
somewhere off the grid.
Winter was responsible
for your mother’s death.
Is it true? My mom died because of you?
I will share the blame
for that terrible, terrible decision.
I’m not going with you.
I’m going with my dad.
As you know, the degrade is like a cancer.
The onset in Dani is remarkably aggressive.
You’re afraid of seeing
everything you’ve built collapse.
You’re afraid of something
happening to the little girl.
Milton, it’s Roman.
I need your help.
Well, it’s not the four seasons.
For some of us, Roman,
luxury is not an option.
Yeah, well,
I didn’t come here to debate philosophy.
What do you need, Roman?
I’m an open book, Milton.
I came alone.
I’m unarmed.
I’m at your mercy.
What circumstance could be so dire
that you would risk walking in here
and asking for help from
somebody you tried to kill?
Her name is Dani, Dani Sullivan.
I believe she means to kill Bo.
[Airy, mysterious music]
[Rock music blares]
Turn it down!
Stop it.
[Chuckling]
Where are we?
We are just outside of the city
on the highway of life, kid,
headed south to greener pastures.
How south?
Well, we’re almost out of New Jersey,
and once we get some fuel, hit the road,
next stop…
[Whispers] Ixtapa.
Ix-what-a?
[Whispers] Ixtapa.
That’s how you got to say it.
[Whispers] Ixtapa.
[Giggles]
It’s a little beach town in old Mexico.
My Uncle Donny took me
there once when I was a kid.
I’ve always dreamed about going back there.
To be honest,
it’s kind of what got me through
being locked up.
Figure it’s a great place to start over.
We have nothing to start with.
Come on, kid, you think I don’t have a plan?
The lottery?
You go do your thing,
get us the winning lottery ticket,
and then we’d have more
than enough to start over,
and you wouldn’t have to do
one of your little
spookie things ever again.
We’d be left alone forever,
and it’d just be you, me…
and Stanley.
Stanley,
a palapa,
and some cold beer.
No mas problemas, señorita.
[Both laughing]
All right, go in there
and buy whatever junk food you want to get.
I got to get some gas.
This girl? Dani?
Tell me about her.
She’s 19, a runaway,
estranged from her family.
She’s untrained, undisciplined,
and very, very gifted.
How gifted?
Right now, I wouldn’t bet on Bo.
Dani’s anguish has made her very powerful,
but she’s suffering from the degrade,
the most rapid onset I’ve ever seen.
She’s gonna die soon, and she knows it.
She blames me for her condition.
So she wants to kill Bo
to make you suffer.
She knows I care about Bo.
That’s what this is about.
She wants Bo, orchestra, me.
She wants to destroy the
very idea of orchestra.
She wants to eliminate any possibility
that a person like her or Bo could ever…
Be exploited again.
All right, Milton,
whatever has happened between us,
I am begging you,
set it aside, please.
I will do anything.
I have exhausted my resources.
Milton, I need your help now.
We’ve got to protect Bo.
– That could prove difficult.
– Why?
Two days ago,
you told Bo how her mother died,
said that I shared in the blame.
You left her only one choice, Roman,
and it wasn’t me,
and it sure as hell wasn’t you.
What are you saying?
I’m saying she chose her father,
and I don’t know where they are.
Ask her about the dove.
Mom, what are you doing here?
Ask her about the dove.
Who am I asking?
I like your bracelet, especially the dove.
Oh, this?
Thanks.
My best friend gave it to me.
It was hers.
That’s nice.
Are you still close?
She kind of had some real rough things
happen to her, so…
I’m sorry.
Yeah.
Do you mind if I look at it?
Yeah.
Knock yourself out.
What are you writing about?
None of your business.
John!
Hey, stop.
[Rattling]
[Screams]
Oh, my God! John!
You all right?
I’m not used to more than
a few seconds of silence with you.
I just saw something,
something I was meant to see.
You were having one of your little moments.
I could see it in your face.
I can’t just stop them.
Hey, look at me.
I know you can’t, and I don’t expect you to.
Did you see something
you wanted to talk about?
I don’t think so.
What I saw was pretty confusing.
Yeah, well, we could sit around here
and try to figure it out,
but we got a date South of the border,
so what do you say we just, I don’t know,
let those little moments go?
Think you could do that?
It’s not just a coincidence.
No, and I’m sure it’s not, believe me.
I just…
I got to move on.
I can’t keep going on like we’ve been going,
you know?
So do you think maybe you could
please just pretend
it didn’t happen, for me?
Sure, I’ll try.
That’s my girl.
[Sobbing]
I’m sorry, John.
Maybe someday you can forgive me.
Are you insane, Winter?
Give me one reason I don’t
strangle him with my bare hands.
Look, until we can neutralize this threat,
we’ve got to work together.
– Someone, please, wake me.
– We have a plan.
Dani has no way of finding Bo, not directly,
so she’ll start using the
information she does have,
information she read from you.
What’s that supposed to mean?
Milton discovered years ago
a telepathic connection…
you mean messes with someone’s head.
It’s like an echo of the
target’s consciousness.
It means that Dani can find you.
So you want to use me as live bait?
I need you to let me hypnotize you.
So are we staying here tonight?
Negatory.
We’re just staying long
enough to grab a shower
and get cleaned up.
[Phone rings]
Who is it?
It’s the chief baby-sitter.
He’s been calling nonstop.
The inbox for this voicemail is full.
Nothing.
So why do you think this girl
Dani is stronger than Bo?
Because she’s driven by hate, Miss Channing.
These extraordinary abilities
are intimately connected to emotions.
The stronger the emotions,
the stronger the power.
Dani’s convinced she’s
been betrayed by the world,
forsaken by her parents,
lied to by me,
dying because of her gift.
We found her too late.
She needed orchestra.
Bo was nurtured there, loved.
Dani never had that,
and she hates me for it,
hates orchestra…
Hates Bo.
Sir, Mr. Zepeda for you.
What’s the update?
Coming together as discussed.
Have your people checked in?
Everything’s on schedule.
She’ll never see it coming.
No, I think you’re gonna dig it.
It’s got miles of white Sandy beaches,
the locals down there are chill,
and the best part is,
nobody down there’s gonna be looking for us.
So we can get you enrolled
in an actual school.
Shh, I’m trying to hear the TV.
We interrupt this program
to bring you breaking news.
There was a fire in Brooklyn
earlier this morning.
The blaze started several hours ago,
and was reported by a group of kids
using the abandoned parking structure
across the street.
Dani did this.
Dani?
The girl I saw at the gas station.
Okay, so you saw a girl in
your vision at the gas station,
and you’re saying that she’s responsible?
Tate, look.
Don’t you recognize that building?
It’s Winter’s loft. And we’re being told
that full knockdown is expected shortly.
What? No.
According to fire department sources,
these buildings are unoccupied,
though some are host to…
I knew it.
What?
There’s something else.
I saw mom.
She warned me about this girl Dani.
Has that ever happened before,
you seeing your mom?
No, never.
Why didn’t you tell me
that in the first place?
Because I knew how excited
you were to go to Mexico.
I don’t think Mexico’s in the cards anymore,
not if you’re seeing your mom.
I’m sorry.
Don’t. There’s nothing to be sorry for.
So this girl Dani,
we need to find her.
Yeah, but how are we supposed to do that?
We don’t have any idea where she is, or…
you’re seeing this, right?
Yeah.
Good, just checking.
Get your stuff.
♪ Borders and horizon lines ♪
♪ we’re alone but side by side ♪
♪ half awake and almost dead ♪
♪ keeping empty beds elsewhere ♪
♪ we’re yet to bleed ♪
♪ we’re yet to bleed ♪
♪ all the time and energy ♪
♪ we’re yet to bleed ♪
♪ we’re yet to bleed ♪
♪ all the time and energy ♪
Just relax, Miss Channing.
This technique is very well established,
and it will work.
If this girl is as strong as Skouras says,
she will hear this signal,
and she’ll be drawn to it.
Close your eyes.
Breathe in very slowly.
More slowly.
Open your mind to your past.
Breathe out.
Slowly, evenly.
You feel yourself becoming lighter.
Every cell in your body is floating,
weightless.
Your body isn’t your body anymore,
only a thought, only a consciousness.
Let her find you, Miss Channing.
Let yourself radiate a
beacon of bright light.
Let Dani find you.
[Breathing heavily]
Now, Mr. Zepeda.
This isn’t right.
She should be unconscious by now.
Is she neutralizing the gas?
No, that’s impossible.
Roman, you should know by now,
nothing is impossible.
Go, Mr. Zepeda. Go, now.
[Gunfire]
Mr. Zepeda.
Damn it.
Wait. Wait!
[Groans]
Dani, stop. Dani, stop hurting her.
Enough, Dani, enough!
Enough.
Winter.
Tell me where Bo is.
– I don’t know.
– Yes, you do.
Tell me! I don’t know.
Don’t try and resist.
Dani, please.
[Gasping for breath]
This… this knows where they are.
You tracked their phone.
I’ll make sure Bo knows
you’re the reason I found her.
Looks like this is the place.
Routledge house,
a therapeutic home for girls.
So I’ll pick you up next Tuesday?
I’m playing.
Doesn’t look like anyone lives here anyways.
[Knocks on door]
Well, there’s only one way to find out.
Come on.
This is her, the girl.
Well,
at least we know we’re in the right place.
Yeah, now we just have to figure out why.
What is that, writing?
What does it say?
“Forgive me, John.
“Forgive me, John.
Forgive me, John.”
Over and over.
All she wants is for her
brother to forgive her.
That’s all she cares about.
Yeah, but isn’t that proof
that she did it, that she killed him?
I mean, you don’t ask for forgiveness
for something you didn’t do.
She needs a second chance.
Yeah, well, I hate to break it to you, Bo,
but some people just aren’t worth saving.
They’re just too far gone.
It’s not worth the time or the energy
to try and salvage them.
You know they could’ve said that about you
when you were in prison.
The only difference is that
you got a second chance.
She was good once. I can feel it.
That sounds familiar.
Yeah, that’s what I said about you
when we first met.
Kind of changed your whole life around,
didn’t I?
Oh, is that so?
Pretty much.
Listen, Bo, I hear you, really,
but there’s one big difference
between me and this Dani chick.
What’s that?
I never actually killed anyone.
She did.
You really think someone
like that can be saved?
I don’t want to be saved.
All right, I think that’s close enough.
Tate!
Tate. Wake up, Tate!
Don’t try and stop me, little girl.
You’re not strong enough.
There’s nothing you can do.
I’m gonna take you to Dr. Skouras,
and I’m gonna show him that
you’re not worth his love.
Please, you don’t have to do this.
I know you didn’t mean to kill your brother.
[Screams] Come on! Go!
– Zepeda?
– Yes, sir.
– I assume he’s…
– Dead.
Who found him?
Anonymous tip.
Director Lofton.
Roman, look familiar?
Found with the body.
Who else has seen these?
No one outside the agency,
but I want you to know, Roman,
if these documents go public,
the agency will deny
any and all involvement.
You’d be completely on your own,
you understand?
Don’t worry, sir.
We can handle this.
Don’t let this rattle you.
I’m going back to orchestra.
We have to erase everything,
every trace before the story breaks.
Sir, what we should really…
you see what Dani’s doing, don’t you?
She wants everything out in the open.
She could send the originals
to the times, the guardian,
hundreds of outlets.
I want a complete evacuation,
Every person at orchestra, I want gone.
Of course, sir.
There is no story if
orchestra doesn’t exist.
I didn’t know what else to do.
No, you did the right thing, Mr. Tate.
– Did I, Winter?
– You did.
Nobody is alone in this world,
do you understand?
You’re not alone.
Neither is Bo, ever.
She’s alone right now, Winter, somewhere.
If that Dani girl hurts her…
that is not going to happen.
How do you know that?
‘Cause I think I know where Dani took her.
Come on.
Wait.
We want the same thing, you know.
No, we don’t.
To be normal, ordinary.
I missed that boat the day I was born
and every day since.
Everything’s been taken from me…
my parents, my brother,
my chance to fit in.
Skouras promised me that,
then he took it away.
I want him to see what it feels like
to have everything he
cares about destroyed…
his company, his program…
This is the last of it, sir.
Yes, that’s fine.
Thank you, Cory.
Make certain it’s all shredded,
then get yourself out of here.
Yes, sir.
What’s the rush?
There’s nothing left, Dani.
All the files,
all the records, all the data.
You got what you wanted.
Orchestra is no more.
Not all of it.
I’m still here, Dr. Skouras.
You’re still here.
Yeah.
And Bo…
Your favorite.
It’s over, Dani.
It’s finished.
All of this…
records, files…
it’s just stuff.
This.
This is real.
Tate!
I’m sorry, kiddo, we’re here.
Hey, Bo.
Roman, where’s Dani?
Waiting for you.
All of us together at last.
We’re gonna experience the end of orchestra.
Isn’t that what you wished for, Winter?
Not this way, Dani.
Nobody needs to die to
see orchestra finished.
What’s happening?
It won’t open.
Milton, please, please will you untie me?
Bo, sweetheart,
can you do anything?
Whoa, hey, hey.
Whoa, I got you. It’s all right.
– I can’t do it.
– No, it’s okay.
It’s all right. It’s all right.
It’s all right, baby. Come on.
Hope you’re proud of yourself.
It’s not gonna help, Mr. Tate.
It’s not gonna help.
You already dug us too deep in a hole, huh?
Dani’s more powerful.
I wonder whose fault that is?
I love you, Bo.
I love you too.
I’m sorry we couldn’t be
together all this time.
I know.
Mom, I don’t know what to do.
You can save everybody.
You can save Dani.
Dani needs to know that
her brother forgives her,
that he doesn’t blame her for what happened,
and that he loves her.
Will you tell her that?
That’s my girl.
Why can’t you stay with me?
I’ll never be far.
And you have your dad now.
Now it’s time to be strong.
What’d your mom tell you?
To save Dani.
If she said you have to save her,
then that’s what you have to do.
This is who you are, Bo,
and I get it, and I got your back 100%.
I love you.
I love you too.
Dani, stop it!
You can’t do this!
Please!
You don’t need to do this!
Bo, Bo, Bo.
No, no.
No, Winter, no.
There’s nothing we can do.
None of us can.
You’ve got to trust Bo.
Dani, listen to me.
I have a message for you,
from your brother, from John.
He forgives you, and he loves you.
How could you know that?
My mom told me.
Your mom told you?
– Please, Dani.
– No!
Listen to him.
It’s true.
I told you.
John loves you, and he forgives you.
Now you can stop fighting.
Thank you.
Everyone deserves a second chance.
What happened? What’d you tell her?
I didn’t tell her anything.
She talked to her brother.
Bo, you have to go.
Are you coming with us?
You go with your dad.
You don’t need me anymore.
Thank you, Milton.
That’s my girl.
Go. You got to go.
You got to go. Go.
[Sirens approaching]
Roman.
Milton, please, just go.
[Slams door] [Gasps]
[Sighs]
Were you dreaming?
I don’t think so.
No visions, no premonitions?
You’re not seeing anybody
that might need our help,
nothing like that?
Just sleeping.
All right, just checking.
You know,
you never held up your end of the bargain.
What are you talking about?
The lottery, I totally forgot.
Guess it’s not too late.
Just messing with you.
Thought I’d do it the old-fashioned way,

Subtitles Il momento della verita – english eng English

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Subtitles Il momento della verita – english eng English

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